Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

In love with my best friend

21 replies

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 22:47

I don’t know what to do. I’m in love with my best friend. We both have partners. Since I realised that I have developed strong feelings for him, I haven’t been able to have sex with my partner and we’re most likely splitting up. The last time we had sex was in August. My best friend also has a partner who I think he’s very fond of but I don’t think he’s in love with her. However, he’s a self confessed coward who says he follows the path of least resistance. He’s had 3 long term girlfriends and they (the previous 2) always broke up with him (for various legitimate reasons).

I’m pretty sure that he feels the same way about me but is trying to be a good partner and do the right thing.

So now I find myself in a situation where I have lots of (mostly phone) contact with this man who I love but I’m desperate to kiss him, to touch him, to love him, etc. What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel about him? But I’m worried about destroying our friendship and losing him altogether.

At the moment I’m pinning my hopes on him becoming single but I can’t see that happening any time soon because of his personality.

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/02/2019 22:50

It's very simple. Leave him alone and be by yourself. If it's meant to be sometime in the future then it will happen

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2019 22:51

You need to end your relationship with your partner. Then, if your “friend” ends his you can consider pursuing something between you. But if you love someone else you’re being very unfair to your partner who’s probably miserable that you’re pushing him away when he doesn’t know why.

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 22:53

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5, but if I leave him alone then how will anything happen?

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 17/02/2019 22:55

Definitely start by ending your current relationship. It sounds like that's dead in the water anyway.

Then I would tell friend how you feel. It's up to him then whether he continues his relationship or not. Make it clear you're not offering an affair.

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 22:56

AnneLovesGilbert, yes I’m going to end things with my partner. I know that I need to do that. But when I’m single do you think I should say something to my best friend? I’m not sure if he realises. I think he knows but I’m not 100% sure. I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing a physical ache in my chest. I didn’t know that I could ever feel like this about someone.

OP posts:

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/02/2019 22:58

I don't think you should say anything to your friend when he is in a relationship. Surely if he wants to be with you he will end his relationship too.

Concentrate on finishing with your own partner first without moving on to somebody else's

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 22:58

MyOtherProfile, I’m so scared of losing his friendship though. We have become really close. He’s the first person I call if I have happy news or a crisis. I value my friendship with him so so much. I don’t want to lose him.

OP posts:

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 22:58

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 do you think he’ll know that a relationship with me is an option though?

OP posts:

RelaisBlu · 17/02/2019 22:59

Do either of you have children with your current partners?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/02/2019 22:59

I've no idea but there's no way I would pursue a friend while they have a partner

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 23:01

RelaisBlu, no children.

OP posts:

Original poster

FranklyMyDear69 · 17/02/2019 23:02

I see what you’re saying NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5. I know that a very selfish part of me has kicked in. I want to be happy and I want to make him happy. I think we could be really happy together.

OP posts:

importantkath · 17/02/2019 23:07

I agree with @NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5. Don't be a knob and pursue a man who is spoken for. End your relationship and take time to get over that before embarking upon a new relationship.

Didiusfalco · 17/02/2019 23:10

Split up with your partner first, you need to do that regardless. Then talk to friend, tell him how you feel but be very clear nothing would happen while he has a partner - then it’s up to him.

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 23:31

If you want to end your marriage then do that. But don't think for one minute that your friend will definitely ditch his wife for you.

I assume you've known each other for years - if you were right for each other romantically it would have dawned on both of you long ago and you'd have married each other.

But you both married other people.

Tell him how you feel if you want to, although that's likely not the best thing, as he has a wife. If he's into you, you will know anyway. But prepare yourself for the strong possibility of him not wanting to bring upheaval into his life for you.

Mrsmummy90 · 17/02/2019 23:35

I agree with others that it would be pretty bad to tell him how you feel if he's in a relationship.
Just put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine you WERE in a relationship with him and someone else was declaring their love for him. It would be horrible and it also puts him in a very difficult situation.

If it's meant to be, his current relationship will end naturally and you'll end up together.
For now, deal with finishing your own relationship and leave him alone. He's spoken for.

MyOtherProfile · 18/02/2019 06:32

There's a difference between pursuing him and telling him. Don't pursue. Do tell but it may affect the dynamics of your friendship.

ukgift2016 · 18/02/2019 06:42

This is why I don't want my partner to have a close female friend

OP is very self absorbed at the moment and her only thought is to "get the man" regardless of the hurt and chaos she leaves behind.

Tennesseewhiskey · 18/02/2019 07:21

You want a man who would stay with a partner because it's eaiser?

Why?

If he wanted you he would have split with own partner. If he hasn't, he isn't that bothered.

Leave him alone and if he leaves her and gets in touch with you (AFTER he has sorted that situation) then see what happens.

You don't want a relationship where he has only left his partner when he is sure you will have him. And down the line You will always be wondering if he wants to be with you, or is just with you because it's easier.

Musti · 18/02/2019 08:01

When you're in a bad relationship, it's easy to latch on to someone who is nice and you have stuff in common with. Once you're single again, start dating. There are a lot of nice and available men out there and you might find that you realise that your friend is just a friend.

ConfCall · 18/02/2019 08:30

A variety of opinions on here.

Fwiw mine is that you should tell him (after you've ended it with your current boyfriend) but make it clear that you won't be his side piece. Tbh it sounds as if your boyfriend and his girlfriend are both being shortchanged currently - they're both better off free, irrrespective of what happens between you two.

Flip