I have few friends, will it ever change

[SausageSimon]

I'm wondering if anyone on here has ever gone from being a bit of a loner to having a great group of friends?

I've never really fit in with people and I'm so envious of those with a group of friends.
I'd love to have a group of 3+ friends who meet up and go out!

I have one close friend I see once a week, and a couple of others I rarely see for various reasons but then it's good when we do get chance.

I really struggle to make and maintain friendships and it wears me down.
People really do seem to like me but I struggle to turn it into anything meaningful

Have you ever been a loner and then found yourself in a group of good friends eventually?

Hi OP, my situation was slightly different. I moved town to be with my now ex. I had no friends at all in my new town. It honestly took me years to build up friendships and they have always been through work. I don't really meet people any other way. I don't make friends that easily as i have very close friends back home I've known since I was 5.
So, i have a few friends locally now but that has happened over a long period of time. I've also had many friends come and go over the years too for various reasons.
It just takes effort I think. Maybe you could make more effort with the friends you see more rarely? There are also meet-up groups online you could try.
Do you meet many people through work?

@crappyday2018 thank you for your response! I know a lot of people who make friends through work but sadly my job is terrible for that. I really like the woman I work with but she's the same age as my mum, and there's only one other woman I work with who is even older!
Both lovely women but not long term friendships.

I'm trying to make more of an effort with mums from school but as I was a young mum (this is where the friend issues begun!) they're always older than me so while we get on it makes it more difficult with an age gap!

I don't know what the solution is

Finding a friendship group is a mixture of personality type and then a huge dollop of luck. I have had periods where I have easily made friends in my environment and also the complete opposite where I was a loner. I was not a different person, it was just in some places I fit and then in others I was a big square in a party for circles!! When I became a mum it was hard at first and lonely, I went to lots of playgroups and felt like I was surrounded by people who had already made friends. Partly to feel less awkward I volunteered to help at these groups, and bonded with other volunteer mums and as I became a permanent familiar face, mums were coming to talk to me when they felt out of place etc. Some of these mums become great friends but it took a long time to get to this point, in some cases years. I guess what I am saying is that it can happen but it might take persistence and commitment on your part, take up an activity that you want to do anyway and turn up on a regular basis, be friendly and open but don't expect fast immediate results. I think as adults fast friendships are few and its often more of the slow burn variety.

Your not alone, I struggle with this as well. Im 28 expecting my first child and I'm completely friendless. Dont even have a partner to lean on. Some people have it all and just dont realise it.

OP I don't see how age should hold you back from being friends with someone. One of my good friends here is 71 (I'm 43). I realise you have to have things in common with people but I still don't think age should be an issue.

I actually think it’s better not to be part of a group. In my experience, you always get one person who wants to be top dog.
Maybe I’v been unlucky, but I just can’t stand all the bitchiness and fallouts. I’ve distanced myself from all group situations and concentrate on building individual friendships nowadays.
I’ve come to stand for a lot less crap from people as I’ve got older.

@crappyday2018 I think you're right about age, I've had friends older than me before and it worked better. It is more about personalities and even life stages sometimes

@Lulutheboss that's true, I've heard of situations like that before where one wants to be the centre of attention and then there being jealousy between the friends in the group or feeling left out etc!

I’d rather have a few very good friends than loads of not so good ones. I don’t know who has time to maintain loads of friendships tbh. It would be exhausting! I normally catch up With a friend once a week and see some others at a sport we’re involved with and another with the toddlers. I’d never be home if I had more than that

... and yes as we move a lot I didn’t have anyone 5 years ago but now have 4-6 and that shits me. I dropped out of 2 big groups friendships as they were very clique-y and exclusionary.

Haha, suits me!! Although the big groups shitted me, hence leaving them

@Blessthekids it's good to hear that it isn't always your fault and that sometimes it's the group you're in. I felt more accepted at uni when around a group of like minded people but at home I feel a bit alienated at times. I was planning on joining the parents group at school that organise events for the kids so hopefully that'll help me meet people too

@Dreamzcancometrue I'm so sorry you feel that way, I feel extremely fortunate to have my one good friend and I am close with my parents. But it saddens me I don't have a close female friend or two, I always think if I ever got married (being single is another nightmare) I'd have nobody to have as a bridesmaid or to get excited about the wedding with on my hen do.
Do you have family you are close to?
I feel so envious of people surrounded by family and friends, my life feels empty and I imagine you feel the same way

At OP one good friend is better than none, I literally have no friends that I can call up if I ever need to just chat about things etc and its good you are close to your parents. I wouldn't say I'm distant from my family but im certainly not close to them relationship wise. Im currently staying at my mums till baby is born and a couple of months after that then I will be going back to my lonely flat.

Aww I often wonder that too also if I died suddenly (God forbid) who would come to my funeral... It would be embaressing as I dont have anyone who could be invited if the inevitable does happen.

The baby im about to have is the only reason im not giving up. Otherwise God knows ive had my off days and struggles with MH issues in the past. Sorry im waffling...

@Dreamzcancometrue nothing wrong with waffling Dreamz! I'm glad to hear you are stopping with your mum until the baby arrives.

It can be lonely being on your own with a small baby, the thing that used to help me was making sure I went out every day even if it wasn't for long. Whether it's for a walk with the pushchair or for a look around town and for lunch.

Do you work Dreamz? And where abouts do you live? I'm in Yorkshire

OP I dont work due to mild MH issues. And I'm from S.E London - should be easy to meet people right?? Nope. Its even harder to engage with people here than outside London. IMO.

Yeah once baby is born, will try mum and baby groups with the support of the local MH team. I'd go craxy staying alone at home all day with a tiny tot. Dear Lord. Lol

Also just find that any connections I do make tend to fizzle out after awhile, even tho I try my best to be accomadating and a decent friend it rarely works long term.

Do you have any kids OP? Im sure Yorkshire is a nice village type place to live but I've never been so dont know if people there are more friendlier or not than London.

I actually think it’s better not to be part of a group. In my experience, you always get one person who wants to be top dog.
Maybe I’v been unlucky, but I just can’t stand all the bitchiness and fallouts. I’ve distanced myself from all group situations and concentrate on building individual friendships nowadays.

Do you think this is an inevitable? I have just watched one friendship group fall apart due to this.

@somethingwithlemons

I don't think its inevitable, it really does depend on the people involved. I think you have to wear friendships lightly sometimes and not get too possessive. Now and again when a good friend talks about doing something with someone else I feel a slight pang and think why wasn't I invited but I'm old enough to let it go instantly as I know I haven't invited her to every thing either. I also think not being on FB and instagram helps!

I have one close friend I see once a week

You are more fortunate than many.
(Unless she's a twat)

Im curious as to what needs you think would be fulfilled by spending more of your time with other people?

I've felt this way recently, too. It's really awful, isn't it?
I have about 3 close friends that really make an effort. I'm in my third year of uni (out of 4 where I go), and have drifted apart from lots of friends because it seems like lots of students just can't seem to juggle their schedules and just try to survive through the current week without having any idea what will go on the next week. However, the 3 I mentioned above are great and if any one of them had to cancel for any reason, I'd know they're being genuine.
Sometimes it's a matter of it being better to have a few really good ones, rather than a lot who aren't the best of friends. I also think it's good to make small-talk but not rush into "deep" conversations too much. Good luck.

I'm also close to my parents, but I really strive for more than that, because I don't just want to rely on parents' companionship and then be lonely once they're gone.

Lemons, I don’t think it’s inevitable but I think it’s very, very common.
There was a woman in the first group of mums I was in who sought to exclude me for some reason. I guess she just didn’t like me. I withdrew from that group pretty fast and then a couple of years later the whole group fell apart because of jealousy and arguing.
The second group I left, had a woman who wanted to control everything. She would include and exclude people as she saw fit. I couldn’t be bothered with all that. As far as I know, they’re still friends but some others have left (or have been pushed) the group.
I made myself fairly unpopular with the second lot because I told the big wig some home truths!

@SausageSimon
How are you today? Are you feeling a bit more optimistic? There are a fair few of these types of threads and I often contribute as I know how loneliness can really hurt. But I also wonder whether we help the OP at all. I hope we have.

My husband is now in a nursing home after a sudden cardiac arrest which left him with a severe brain injury. I was very suddenly alone and very lonely. I have since joined knit and natter ( all ages very active funny WhatsApp group) the woman’s institute,( all ages) made the effort to ring people and go for coffee, carried on going to see bands ( easy to do by yourself) and I always see people I know and I am starting to look at local meet-up groups. New friends won’t knock on your door you have to go looking for them. I am not a very confidential person but I always think to myself give it a try Whats the worse that can happen?