I’ve threw my selfish husband out

[Ribbon86]

Hey everyone I’m looking for a bit of advice/ support . So last night it all got too much and I threw h out . He had been pushing and pushing all day we went “food shopping “ his turn to pay but he only picked up stuff for himself and then said let’s go . We went to the next shop and I decided to stay in the car ( frustrated with how selfish he is ) he knew what we needed ... packed lunch stuff , mostly kids stuff and came out with cat and dog food , he didn’t get anything else because I didn’t go into the shop so that left us with no food etc he said if I wanted to go I was to get my dad to take he me because he was going to the gym . So off he goes to the gym comes home after picking up dd from a friends who explained she was running late he totally exploded and screamed at her in front of her friends because she was late . I told him he was out of order but the usual defensive I was wrong it was dd fault . So he decided last night at 10pm he wanted to go the pub (from past experience he always takes it too fair drinks to much and spends all day in bed ) which would mean no shopping again so I told him to go and not come back .im just confused as of what to do now , he’s off work this week and I generally think he’d planned the whole thing so he can run to mummy’s and do as he pleases , we have 3 dds . Any advice would be much appreciated x

So you've told him not to come back. Hopefully he won't, but he'll probably try. It sounds like he's a waste of space, so don't let him bAck.

This isnt the first time I’ve thrown him out he always seems to worm his way back but it’s usually he who texts him mainly because I need to work , I need to know I have childcare etc I really think he enjoys making it hard for me . My dilemma is he is supposed to be picking up dc from school tomorrow as he is off for the week but I don’t think he will and he’ll turn it around to be my fault , I really don’t want to contact him , what would you do ?

Also someone who enjoys making your life harder is someone you should stay far away from.

@ThankYouNext19 thank you your soo right , the only thing is I don’t have any other childcare , this happens ever time so he knows I will need to contact him. This time I am determined I will not contact him first . I feel so stressed with the not knowing , I managed to get some shopping in today but I constantly worry that I won’t be able to do everything I need to x

Can you talk to work tomorrow and say you and your partner have split up and you need to leave work early this week and in the meantime sort out a childminder, after school club or nursery that can get the kids from school? Most employers would be reasonable and understand these things happen. My employers have been really accommodating with things like this in the past.

Do you have parents or siblings around that could help or even parents in law that you get along with?

You just need to show him you don’t need him, he will love that you need him and he will love that he’s making you stressed and fucking yo your work week while he lazes around on his arse looking after number 1 while his partner and children struggle. Absolute arsehole.

My work work would be fine but I don’t really want them knowing my business hence the reason for posting on here plus I need the money and don’t see why I should take time off because of him . I have my mum but she’s not keeping too well everything feels like it’s getting on top of me , I hate the fact I let it bother me I hate the fact I get upset I wish I could turn off for a while .

Can you make a permanent break from him. The effect on your children of you throwing him out and then him coming back, must be very damaging

I think he is the type to try and take the house etc ( joint mortgage ) I know I shouldn’t be worrying about material things but I am . Dc seem happy ( I know that sounds naive but I generally think they are ok ) I have always been the one to do everything for them so they’re not missing out on anything.

This sounds so awful OP. Can you try to make an emergency plan for this week and work things out from tomorrow. Work are going to need to know something so you can be supported.

The affect on your children of him coming and going pretty much on his terms or by his manipulation will be massive. Think of what you would be advising one of your Dds.

Perhaps talk to school to sort something childcare wise. Try not to worry too much about the future stuff like the mortgage. Take it little by little.

@Testyisanicerword that really helped . I know I overthink everything I can’t help it . I’m struggling to stay strong haven’t ate since this morning constantly feeling sick and I know he won’t be bothering at all

I'm massive over thinker to. I think in serious situations like this though you have to take it slow.

Make lists, all your worries.

The main thing is not to go this alone. School, work, family, they all need to know.

I suppose your right I’m just one of those people who everyone thinks is really happy , I never let on about my problems I always think there’s always someone worse off . Hopefully I can sleep tonight and think a bit straighter tomorrow.

I was the same but ended up with a serious breakdown because of it.

Talk talk talk and talk

Hi OP. You know deep down this will keep happening time and time again. He relies on you backing down each time. Take things one step at a time. The most urgent issue is collecting the kids. If need be, can you just phone in sick tomorrow (if you don't want to tell them anything). Start looking at more permanent childcare arrangements such as after school club or childminder. I would just assume he's not going to help and don't sit wondering if he will. Talk to your Mum. It might not be ideal but I'm sure she would want to help you, even if its just in the short term until you get things sorted.
Let him see you can manage without him.

What does he bring to the relationship OP that makes you continually forgive/accept his selfish behaviour ?

I guess it’s just habit . Struggling a bit today my family are not very supportive they have the attitude why should we help if he’s not doing anything which I get but it doesn’t help me any which is why I think I tend to give in and contact him , it all gets a bit much sometimes worrying about childcare work shopping money etc

Hi OP, of course it will be really hard. Its so easy to give in and make contact because then the most urgent worries are sorted out. Sadly though, all the other worries then continue (ie his behaviour).
Have you decided what you will do about collecting the kids? I really think you should look at all other options - don't contact him. He will be sitting waiting for you to.

You need to send him a clear message that you mean business. If you give in and contact him he will never take you seriously.
I hope you can stay strong and you get things sorted today.

It's not as bad as you think it will be. I ended my 17 year marriage in November. He too had become selfish and only did things for himself or if I specifically begged him to help. We had separate finances and he was eating steak while me and the kids had plain pasta.
I think he thought I'd take him back but I rang tax credits. I was lucky I had amazing friends who scaffolded me through the really shit part (first 4 weeks) but once he realised I wasn't letting him back and we could keep it nice for the kids it's actually ok.

Get the locks changed so he can't worm his way back in while you are at work, claim you have lost your keys if he complains. He sounds as useless as my ex, leave him staying with mummy & let her put up with his useless selfish ways.

I know it can be a little overwhelming and I'm sorry you have an absolute twat of a partner

What you really need to do is sit down and truly sort your situation out, you have to think long term here

Most schools facilitate morning and after school clubs which can be a massive help you could be entitled to help with that I'm not sure

I left my abusive ex partner last year after years of misery, violence,
Emotional abuse....I had literally nobody to turn to in regards help with 3 children
And I stayed for years through fear of not being able to cope on my own......

But guess what...I found a way to
He doesn't give two tosses about what shit you have to juggle on a day to day basis
You need to look at the bigger picture here for yourself.

Hi so he contacted me at work today to ask if he was to collect kids , this is the kind of thing he knows I’d worry about if he cared he could have sorted these things over the weekend but that wouldn’t benefit him . So he explains he has no key and can’t get the kids ,I explained he didn’t need a key he can take the kids to his mums so he did . However I got home around half 8 tonight and he was here ( my oldest dd has a key ) so he came here fed the kids pot noodles and lazed in the couch . He obviously doesn’t think it’s important to buy prosper food for dinner etc . I explained all this and again “ I talk shit “ he was refusing to listen to my “ shit” so off he goes running to mummy’s . I guess I’ll be in the same boat tomorrow he likes to mess with my head . These comments really helped me today I’m taking each day as it comes and hopefully I’ll come up with a solution

Thats actually a positive update OP. He picked the kids up and you stood up to him. Well done!!

It seems as though not contacting him works a treat as he contacted you in the end. I'd probably have a back up to leave work early each day just incase he steps it up and doesnt collect them.

His response to you explaining the kids need a healthy tea just says it all really doesnt it, he has no response other than you talk shit...actually no your the one being an adult and caring for your children unlike him! He has no answer for that so just spouts random insults at you. Moron.

Is there any way you could change your shifts at work and explain your no longer able to work late anymore due to a change in circumstances at home? That way you would be available to pick the kids up? Just an idea as you need to break the "i rely on you" cycle and rely on him for absolutley nothing.