Marriage already on shaky ground and now this

[cherryroseuk]

I am a long term lurker, first time poster.
DH and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have two DCs. For a while I have been quite unhappy in our marriage and have been thinking about leaving. DH is not abusive but I find him very difficult to live with and it has been making me fairly miserable. Things have been very strained and difficult for a while now while and I have pulled back a lot from the relationship but not actually ended it.
This weekend I have been away with the children visiting my mum. Yesterday he decided to join in with a pub crawl in our home town. At 9pm I got a call on his phone from a stranger saying that he was at the train station, very drunk and making a spectacle of himself, failing to buy a train ticket (I have no idea where he was trying to go). She was hoping I could come and collect him which I couldn't because I was miles away, don't drive, and have 2 kids in bed.
Long story short, I could hear him in the background being verbally abusive to both her and me, telling her we are not together, and basically being very unpleasant to someone who was just trying to help him. I'm the end he apparently threatened to punch her, and her friend convinced her to leave him to it.
I tried several times to call him after that but he hung up on me. I sent him a message saying that he didn't have to talk to me but to let me know when he was home safe. An hour later I could see he had read it but no response.
This morning he finally responded to say he was ok, he had spent the night in a hotel as he had left his bag with his keys in a pub.
He claims to have no memory at all of what happened last night and seemed horrified when I described what had happened, what he had said and done. He has been falling over himself to apologise, say that he loves me and he doesn't want things to be over between us. I haven't seen him yet so this has been by phone.
We are on our way home now and I don't know what it's going to be like when I get back or what I want to say. Can I/should I try to move on from this or is it the final nail in the coffin?

Is this the first drink-related incident or is this a regular occurrence?

This sounds like a couple of incidents involving my ex. His drinking was completely out of control and he would end up somewhere or other and having to be helped by strangers and then having no recall afterwards? I picked him up from random places several times.
He would also "love bomb" afterwards, apologizing and saying he loved me etcetc.

It's no good OP. You were already unhappy and distancing yourself so you obviously don't really want the relationship to continue. Now you have seen what he can be like when he drinks. I think things will only get worse from here on in. It is the final nail in the coffin.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Think this is the end of your marriage; its the latest of many examples of rubbish behaviour from him. Do not continue to do your bit here to show your DC such a crap example of how relationships work or in this case do not work. Its well and truly over bar the shouting.

How awful for the woman he threatened to punch. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that.

Thanks all. He doesn't drink very often but when he does it always seems to be to the point of losing control. He hasn't ever been malicious before though.
What I'm finding difficult to deal with is

1. how he behaved towards that poor women who tried to help him. I could hear him calling her a cunt, telling her to fuck off, telling her to tell me to fuck off, accusing her of wanting to steal his money. And threatening to punch her which there is no excuse for in my book.
2. telling people that we are not together any more. That's pretty telling, isn't it?

Also that he somehow managed to catch a bus and check into a hotel afterwards which he remembers, but says he has no memories of the earlier part at all. I dont know whether to believe it.

I dont want to overreact just because I've not been feeling that great about us anyway. But I feel like maybe I've been waiting for the final straw and this is probably it.

Why is your responsibility not to leave him but not his, to make you want to stay.

He knows you well enough to know a few platitudes thrown your way will probably surfice but doesn’t care enough, to be different than the poor excuse for an adult he has become.

I'd say this could well be the final straw. It could limp on for a while, but I suspect the end is in sight.

Been there, recognise the lack of respect you now have for him and agree that its warranted and he's not suitable for you really.

So the next step is....planning!!

Quiet night tonight then list making in private?

Also that he somehow managed to catch a bus and check into a hotel afterwards which he remembers, but says he has no memories of the earlier part at all. I dont know whether to believe it.

In my experience of getting that bladdered, yes it's possible to have no memory of a few hours of the night, then as you sober up slowly, you have memories again.

In what way(s) is he difficult to live with?