How do I approach this with Ds dad?

[Catscratchclub]

Ds dad left when I was pregnant and moved to another country. He’s visited once a month since then, but we have little / no contact in between and Ds struggles with their relationship, as he doesn’t really know him. Ds is nearly 7 now.

In last 6 months something has changed - he’s become even more distant, had said he is no longer going to pay school fees (he’s never paid maintenance in lieu of this) and has been even sketchier with contact. He left his job to set up a business and point blank denied doing this even in the face of me sending him newspaper articles announcing it. This is only relevant in the face of him withdrawing financial support for Ds.

I Facebook stalked him last night and noticed his girlfriend has changed her surname to his.... which I am thinking means they have got married?!

Do I ask him? I probably haven’t seen her profile in maybe a year so I don’t know when this name changed occurred. I don’t know how Ds will feel about not being involved / aware given he’s already struggling with their relationship. I just want to protect Ds from the fall out, and at nearly 7 he has quite fixed ideas about what a wedding / getting married is (essentially a fun party his dad won’t of invited him too)

I’m nervous of rocking the boat, how do I best handle this?!

(Please be kind by the way, I’m struggling a bit with stuff at the moment and this is one more utterly surreal instalment in a shit show!)

You should start the process of formally agreeing child maintenance. Sounds like he has got married and is trying to pull away from you and DS completely. That’s fine (sounds like you’re better off) but he can’t neglect to pay for the upbringing of his son.

thequaffle he’s moved abroad so involves taking it to international court, and being honest, I don’t have the money - or the oomph - right now to chase this. I know that sounds lame. He’s paying school fees up till end of summer.

I think that’s the thing - him getting married doesn’t affect me and Ds in the slightest, I don’t know why he hasn’t just said. He’s so secretive about EVERYTHING though. We don’t even know where he lives any more as he won’t tell me. I just don’t want Ds to either find out when he’s older and then be upset that I didn’t tell him, or I tell him now and deal with the fallout at this point.

But, equally, maybe she’s just changed her name for.... er..... well duck knows why someone does that, but maybe they haven’t actually got married and I’m worried about this for nothing?!

Does DS go to visit his dad at all? Because if not, I'd not say anything to your ex about a marriage, it's for him to tell DS if he chooses to (probably won't by the sounds of things.)

Has he outright stated he's refusing to pay maintenance instead of school fees?

Tell him in short words you will take him to court for child maintenance it doesn't matter if you don 't have the energy be blunt he might get scared and sort a formal I don't think asking if he is married is your bussiness your energy and priority is your sons welfare I am sorry this man is treating you like this.

A formal arrangement*

Because Ds dad moved abroad when I was pregnant he has always come back here to visit Ds. Ds won’t even go to his hotel over night with him let alone go on a plane to see him.

Yes, he said he didn’t want me to spend the money on myself so would pay school direct instead (and has done since Ds was 2 and went to the nursery attached) He has made various comments regarding it since and I’m not really sure where we stand with it going forward as it depends on his mood as to what he says.

I agree it would ideally be up to him to tell Ds, but I don’t think he’s going to and I I wish I didn’t know as now I feel complicit in it. I don’t know what the best way forward is for Ds - I would like him to know so it’s not a big deal going forward that he didn’t know. If that makes sense?! Sorry for rambling!

I think CMS formally the child support agency can investigate him on your behalf and he would need to pay the fees.

Thats ok ramble away your poor son having such an uncaring selfish man for a father

MrsJayy thank you, I need opinions like that as I’m too entrenched in it to see clearly. I have been scared of him retreating further with regards to contact if I push for formal financial help, but I think I’m at the point where I have nothing to lose.

Don't tell ds about his dad's marriage. There is no need for you to tell him. You don't even know for sure if it's true although it sounds like it probably is.

How will you manage for money if he stops paying fees, will do have to change schools?

mrsjayy he’s overseas. I wouldn’t tell my ds, if he finds out I wouldn’t feel bad saying I didn’t want you upset, your dad never included you in his life and i tried to protect you from that because I love you. I mean, ds is unlikely to find out anytime all if your ex is as secretive as you say.
Mind, if I could I’d tag him in photos if ds on Fb to make sure his gf /wife knew he existed.

He’s in a country with no CMS sadly. I have to take it to the international family court according to google.... and being honest.... I have no idea to go about that.

Me and Ds are a happy little team usually, it’s always been just the 2 of us. I just hate that I can’t protect him from someone who is meant to be putting him first and doesn’t!

Could you possibly just mention that DS is struggling with the reduced contact to him.

I don't really know how to improve it though. Do you know any of the paternal side? Do they know your DS exists?

timeisnotaline funny you should say that - he didn’t tell her about Ds till he was 1. She found lots of photos of him that I had sent on his phone and asked who the baby was. She sent me a load of messages slagging Ds off and calling him a little bastard. We actually all met this summer and I took them for a meal..... so I had hoped it was the start of a better relationship, but clearly not!

Ds has a place at a new private school starting September. We got a bursary and the fees are marginally cheaper so I can manage financially on my own if I need too. It won’t be easy though, and I am resentful of having to if I’m honest.

Sandy I tried that a few months ago. I texted him after a disastrous visit where Ds hid under the bed and refused to come and see his dad, ans said Ds really needed to hear from him in between visits. That he could text or call, but he really just needed to hear from him. He promised he would cal every day.... and we haven’t heard from him since. So, it didn’t exactly work!

You should instruct a solicitor here and apply under Schedule 1 Children Act for maintenance/school fees and if he is fairly wealthy and you are in need then even capital payments. England has the jurisdiction to deal with this because your son is here. The difficulty you will have is with enforcement but it is still worth doing. Plus, you can even get an order that he pays your legal fees throughout the process.

Also personally, I wouldn't worry about the no contact. Sometimes in a situation like this it is better to have no contact than flaky contact.

Oh eyes thank you - that’s really useful. You know when you don’t really know how to go about something so it feels bigger than it should be?!

I feel sad, and like a shit mum saying this, but I’m at the point where I wish there was no contact. I have fought up till now to get his dad to visit, to contact Ds, to just be involved. And as Ds gets older, it’s apparent his dad is just not interested that I think it is causing more damage than him just not being involved.

I don't understand parents who abandon children co trol the resident parent with money it must be torment! Fwiw ive not seen my bio dad since I was 5/6 my mum had to stop contact because he was so flakey and usually had a drink in him when he did turn up it affected me a little bit as a teenager but as an adult i honestly couldn't give 2 hoots about him he lost out not me

That makes me feel better MrsJayy we manage okay on a day to day basis, but I really just don’t want Ds to be hurt by his dads behaviour later on when he has more awareness. Him paying school fees was meant to be taking me out the equation so he couldn’t have any control..... guess I got 5 years peace!

That's sad to hear that he didn't change after talking... why did his wife call your DS that name?

Is she (and he) from a third world country?

I don't think these type of fathers have any idea how their sporadic contact can and often does affect their child.

I think she was just bloody angry (understandably!) that her boyfriend hadn’t told her he had a child, and she lashed out at me and Ds (he met her once he moved abroad so no over lap or anything)

No, not a 3rd world country - Europe.

I agree, he genuinely has no clue about the damage he causes. It’s hard, he has no clue about his son at all. Really struggling with it today, sat outside work plucking up energy to go in. Hey ho!