He tells people I am mentally ill

[Heartisbreaking]

I need to find the strength to leave him.

We have 2 children (age 3 and 5). We haven’t been in love for a long time, separate rooms etc. Apparently he loves me and I’m the one who can’t make an effort. I feel unhappy when he’s around. I have some anger towards him due to issues in the past.

When we argue (as little as possible, and I always beg for it not to be in front of the children) but he sees that as a great time to start a row. By the end of it I’m the one shaking with anger / anxiety, and he’s apparently wondering why the argument started in the first place. He says he’s doesn’t know why I am angry. It normally results in me asking him to leave, which isn’t great I know, but I don’t want to risk another row in from of the children.

Anyway, this happened, for what I hope is the final time, a few days ago. He has been telling members of my family (after I asked them to support me) that he believes I have bipolar, and again he maintains he doesn’t know why we argued. He completely puts all the blame on me and truly seems to believe it’s my fault.

As a result of years of this i feel like I must be a terrible person. I doubt my own mind now, and always manage to blame myself for it all also, thinking I must have got it wrong somehow.

The rows are generally about him lying and / or missing cash (he has a history of compulsive gambling).

I need to end this - I will lose my mind genuinely if this carries on.

We have a holiday / half term to get through, then I need to start getting the wheels in motion (him moving out).

The main problem is I always end up just slipping back to normal with him, because life is hard without him (2 different school runs, a busy business, etc). I want to stay strong this time because he’s breaking me.

Can I have a handhold please, I need to get through the next week.

Handholding here. Gather together any paperwork you are going to need before you say anything to him - financial information etc.

Thank you.

W heave separate finances (had to due to his gambling), and we aren’t married. I can get him to leave, it’s the aftermath I will struggle with. The DCs miss him when he goes, and also the practicalities.

It’s also very significant that I have a low opinion of myself. Not sure whether that’s just me, or a result of him getting me down over time. I end up thinking they are suffering if they are only with me. I’m so confused.

Handholding here also. It sounds like he’s the one with the issues. Get your ducks in a row and get out for the sake of you and your children. You deserve better.

Is there a name for what he does? I need to be able to understand it so that I can come to terms with it. He doesn’t seem to know he’s doing it.

Gaslighting, making you think you're going mad. Read about it on the internet.

It's gaslighting. And I bet he does know he's doing it, even if he doesn't know what it's called. He sounds like a grade A arsehole. You deserve better, and so do your children.

No fussy terms needed.
He is simply a twat.
My ds went nc with his df a few years ago as a teen. He told me his df told anyone who would listen I had mh issues.
He told the dc I was a prostitute!
Get out of the relationship op.
You will more than manage.

Its important to say that normal people don't gaslight, disordered people do. He sounded like he could have narcissistic personality disorder tbh. It is very common for those sort to tell others (and you) you are bad/crazy.

And I'd say terms are actually very important because if you read up on cluster b personality disorders you will see that these ppl are rotten to the core and there definitely is no warm gooey centre or person you first met (that was all an act). Knowing this and knowing these sorts for what they are and being able to spot them is soooo so important.

Hand holding . Get your things in order. Try and stay out of his way

Gaslighting

OP. This relationship is over. Separated parents can work out school runs etc. This is not a reason to stay together.

Don’t go on holiday. Use the money to fund your split. Or, tell him to go without you so you can have time to sort out your next steps. What can you do practically to end this and start again. Get a plan to leave and act on it.

There isn’t anything left to argue about. You don’t love him and you don’t want to live with him. That he is a gaslighting dickhead is just another dimension. When he picks a argument, don’t engage. Let him make his point then just confirm that you have heard what he has to say. That’s it.

I have done a quick search of gaslighting and it definitely seems that’s what he’s doing. I almost feel relieved this is a thing, as it means I’m not imagining it.

Sorting out the practicalities first are part of "putting the wheels in motion" . You sound like a clever lady and don't need us to tell you that you are better off without this twat. Don't tell him your plans until you are ready or he will really ramp it up.
Pave the way for a smooth transition for you and the kids , that might mean putting the feelers out for a friend / relative / child minder to help with the school runs.
Tell a trusted friend your plans so they can support you and cheer you on .