Can I ever get past this?

[TapiCat]

I was in a controlling relationship for 2 years, it was awful. No physical violence but a lot of emotional manipulation and I was in a really bad place.

Finally got the strength to leave for the final time over a year ago now. For the first few months I felt strong. I realised what he'd put me through and I no longer felt any love for him and just felt angry.

After a few months though, I just seem to get this constant feeling of regret. He lives locally, our kids go to the same school so I have a constant reminder of him all the time. I miss talking to him. I miss his DD. I'm going ahead with all the plans I had with him (new house, pets etc) but just on my own and all I can think about is how I wish he was there doing it with me.

I know deep down that this is just glorified because he isn't here to remind me of why I left. I know if I were to go there again, I'd ruin all the relationships I've rebuilt with my close friends that were nearly destroyed because of him. I'd have no life.

So why can I not stop thinking about him? This also seems to be heightened currently because of a recent dating let down. He always used to say to me when we were splitting up that no man would ever love me like he does and i can't trust them.

I thought it was best to come on here as I think my family and friends would be furious if I mentioned feeling like this!! Is it normal to feel this way? Is this just something I'm going to have to deal with forever now? Feeling at a low point due to aforementioned dating let down and he's just appeared on my dating app

There's an addictive element to abusive relationships.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Please do it at your earliest. It will help you to meet others in the same position and to break the isolation - you think you're the only one, you really aren't. It is very common to be addicted to abusive men because they set it up like that.

You've done the usual reading, yes? does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a must. That'll get your head straight, along with the Freedom Programme.

I personally found CoDA really helpful when I was recovering from an abusive marriage. It gave me something to think about that wasn't him!

I've not been but I keep meaning to go to SLAA which, along with CoDA, definitely addresses the addictive element of abusive relationships. Don't be blinded by the 'sex' part in the title, most are addicted to the 'love' bit.

You're not the only one. You're feeling particularly threadbare because you've been let down romantically and all your old ,warm, familiar feelings for shitface have resurfaced. Take no notice, do the work, and wait for it to pass. He's full of shit when he says no-one would want, or love, you as much as him. He wants you only to punish you because he gets off on it.

Keep going girl. Keep posting if it helps. You really aren't the only one xx

Why does he do that? is the title of Lundy's book.

You could also have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans who is good at looking at and recovering from the effects of narcissistic abuse. She's a bit woo but hey.

Thanks for your advice.

I was going to do the freedom programme and was in touch with women's aid for counselling too, but I work shifts and they said they couldn't accommodate me unless I could commit to set days, which I understand.

I was referred elsewhere for counselling by my GP, but it didn't really work for me. I just didn't have the answers and didn't know what to say because I just feel numb really, so I ended up after 4 sessions saying I actually felt positive and was happy to leave it there.

I've read some of those but will have a look into the other ones, thanks again.

It always seems to be when someone's not treated me great, I feel low and worthless and instantly wish I'd just stayed with him. I honestly think if I didn't have friends and family who would probably disown me if I went back to him, then I would've done a long time ago.

Is there a correlation with perhaps a childhood issue, chasing someone's love and approval which you never got?

That's what's going on here. If ONLY you could get his live PROPERLY, then you'd know you were good enough and could relax and enjoy life.

You can't go back. You'll never win it as he's doing the dangling for his own reasons. He withholds love, you chase it and you are perfectly fitting pieces of jigsaw.

Except....you're both reenacting an unhealthy dynamic.

Get used to the flatline boredom. You don't have to chase any one for love.

Move forwards and date better men. There will be your days out and companionship xx

You can drop in and out of the Freedom Programme, you don't have to go every single week if you work shifts. It is a 12 week rolling programme you can pick up when you join.

I'd really recommend it. Go to the course don't just read about it. Going to the course is powerful xx