Frightened of the future - BPD DH and break up

[FrustratedBeyond]

We've had a long complex history - I have a gene malformation which has caused me to have multiple rare serious conditions, and he has borderline personality disorder. Been together 15 years, 2 DSs ages 12 & 9, elder is autistic. He has been unable to work, or take care of the house. I work 41 hrs a week, commute and hour and a half each way, doing the child care, house work, shopping, everything. DH has serious emotional issues where they describe his symptoms as 'I hate you, don't leave me' disorder. Anyways, obviously things are coming to a close. Never thought this would happen to me as I've tried so hard to appease him and do everything else. He says its him that's fucked up. I'm frightened of giving up my dream job of 15 years, which I'd have no alternative. I'm petrified of money and being chased for debts. I know it'll be better for everyone but I'm so scared of giving up that last bit of 'me' ... No advice needed, I'm used to being isolated, just needed to get things off my chest

This sounds very hard FrustratedBeyond.

I'm a bit unclear about the job, are you saying you will have to give up your job if you split up? Because he looks after the kids?

If you split up could he still care for the kids after school?

If you became a single parent would you be eligible for child care allowance?

You have so much on your plate, do you have people in real life to talk to?

You sound like you've been having a terrible time of it - so many things in your post make me want to make you a cup.of tea and tell you to rest! As pp said, not sure what is happening in terms of work, but sounds like your relationship is over? I'm so sorry. You sound like you've dealt with so much this is just the end of your tether perhaps? Sending you virtual strength and to cope

You’ve been a single parent in all but name only, so why would life be harder without living with someone who takes up all the oxygen?

I know you are all right... Its hard to accept change and I have been with him since I was a teenager. I would have to give up work as my eldest needs someone with him all the time, and my work place do not accept part time working unless you can do 8 hr days. And I can't do 8 hrs plus 2 hours travel! I keep thinking that it would be better, and who gives a fuck about money if you can wake up with the weight off your shoulders. Was due to start counselling over the phone but got laryngitis for my first appointment and lost my voice! I guess I need to go to the CAB and see if they can ease some of my worries. I have no family within almost an hour drive so its kinda isolating. Thank you x

Of you split up and your ex were providing so financial support could be still safely look after kids?

If you were a single parent could you get support for after school care?

Could you find am alternative job closer to home or with home working in your chosen field?

I think work is not just about money, it's about independence, value of yourself etc. Do your children go to a school that provides wrap around care?

Please get advice on the work situation, eh government support especially as this may be seen as a disability for your son which could mean you can claim money that goes towards hos care. My friend gets a disability allowance for her autistic daughter.

Good luck.

Sorry If you split up and your ex were providing no financial support, could he still safely look after kids?

Really sorry to hear of your sad situation.

If you split with your partner could you:

1. Claim DLA for your autustic child;
2. Claim Carers' Allowance;
3. Claim single person household discount for Council Tax;
4. Split child care between you and STBXP so that you can get part time local work of 16 hours;
5. Claim Working Tax Credit, depending on earnings.

Hugs to you for your difficult situation.

Any chance of moving nearer to your family so you do have more support?

OP, when I split up, I moved to the town where I work, 10 min walk from my house to work. I’m paying through the nose for it, but that means DD can walk/take the bus/cycle to school.
Before that, like you, I had a shit marriage, a long commute and was really worried about childcare.
I chose where I live carefully: close to the town centre, close to work, school, shops etc.
I drafted everyone I know for a few weeks to help with ensuring DD didn’t get lost/missed her school bus on her way back (I walked with her in the morning).
Best thing I ever did.
HTH