I feel so lonely in my marriage

[HorsesForCourses1984]

Hello wise ladies (and guys),

I’m so sad. I’m lying in bed in the spare room, where I have been sleeping for months, feeling sorry for myself. I have a really sore throat, swollen glands, etc, and wish I had a husband who cared.

Married 8 years with 2 children. Our relationship has broken down almost completely since I told him I was unhappy in the Autumn. He was blindsided and really hurt. We’re in relationship counselling but it’s not really helping. We have no intimacy in any way (no sexual interaction, no emotional intimacy). I’m so lonely.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation? Did you leave? Did you ever find happiness?

I want to be with someone who:

• touches me
• cares about me
• helps me if I look like I could do with a hand
• prioritises me sometimes
• I’m attracted to

I know this isn’t AIBU or WWYD but I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you.

I did leave. I regret now not leaving earlier. Alone is so much better than lonely in a marriage. I am just fine. You can be too.

Thanks TearingUpMyHeart.

I'm sorry you are feeling unwell OP. I'm coming out on the other side after a nasty bug too.
Why did you lose intimacy with your husband? Was there a particular problem or did it slowly disappear?
You say your husband was hurt, presumably he would like things to be better? Is this something that you have or could discuss?
Ultimately I would choose to be on my own rather than stay lonely and unhappy in a relationship but if nothing sinister happened and life just got in the way maybe you guys can sort it out?
Hope you feel better soon

Thanks Nc1548. In terms of emotional intimacy, we have barely had a conversation in the past 5 years because of the busy life of both working in demanding jobs, rarely seeing each other, having 2 young children. In terms of sexual intimacy, things have never been great between us. I think we’re not very sexually compatible. I just feel like I’m living with a stranger.

Also, so as not to drip feed, DH had a ONS before we got engaged, after we had been together for 3 years and were going through a rocky patch. I wanted him to stay and we decided to stay together but we never properly talked about the infidelity. And now it seems disingenuous to use that as a reason (even though it is) because I got engaged AFTER it happened. But I think it affected all aspects of intimacy.

I think he would like everything to work out but he’s emotionally different to me. He seemingly doesn’t need a connection. He wants more sex and to feel desired. But I need emotional intimacy first. We haven’t had sex for 6 months.

But is he more touchy feely after sex?

Scott72 probably/possibly. I’m not sure. We have it so rarely!

He's not going to give you what you need is he OP?
*I want to be with someone who:

• touches me
• cares about me
• helps me if I look like I could do with a hand
• prioritises me sometimes
• I’m attracted to*

That's not a demanding list but he's not even hitting that low bar. Please leave and give yourself a chance to find someone who makes you happy.

Thanks Oldstyle. You’re right.

Hope you are brave enough to leave. I left my miserable but ok marriage when I was in my 30s. Life immediately became happier and more fulfilled. Couldn't believe that I'd put up with it for so long - partly habit, partly thinking it would somehow improve. You go for it!

There is not always a rainbow at the end of the road but this sounds miserable. At least if you are free then the possibility opens up.

You probably made a mistake continuing with a relationship with little sexual compatibility and after his infidelity (why did you?). It’s never too late to do something about that. If he won’t engage properly then is there much point continuing?