If it takes this long to meet the right one, is it me? Destined to be alone?

[roundabouts11]

I've been single now for 4 years on and off (a couple of one year long things in this time).

I'm 35 now. 36 in summer.

I have tried everything where relationships are concerned. I have dated a lot, met lots of people for coffees, dinners, drinks. Spoken with people on the phone. Made an effort at work and with friends to suss out who is single, without appearing desperate. I've waited for a spark with various people. I've taken a break and focused purely on myself, i've made more effort to invest time into things. Nothing works. I've not met the right one.

All I've wound up with is a string of shitty relationships, the longest one in my mid twenties (I wanted to marry him and he moved to Oz and met someone else, he's now married). The latter two lasted only a year each.

I am so unhappy. I've worked so hard in all areas of my life to be 'ready' to go with a family. I have a nice home and decent job. I look around on my saturday night and all my friends are with their husbands, their kids. Usually i would make plans but today i feel like giving up.

Yes there is more to life than a husband and a family. But to me it is hugely important and for the first time I feel like actually, this doesnt look like it is going to happen for me. Where did i go wrong? if i could go back to being 20 now, i think i would have got pregnant and then worked everything else out afterwards. i am so sad. has anyone been here?

That sounds bitter when I read back...I am happy for those around me, it feels hard thinking that it just won’t happen now.

It's always hard when you see people around you looking all happy and coupled up. But everyone has their problems.

Some might be married but not have kids, money, health etc and they want those things too.

The right one will come, in time I'm in my early 40's and still not found the right one.

But I know when it's right, I will. Until then I'm living life for me. Doing all the things I can do whilst I'm single.

Life goes - don’t you worry about children? I do all the time. That’s the main thing going round my head.

I just focus on what I have and things I like to do. If I focus on the negative it will destroy me.

Plus I know if I wanted children I could still have a child or adopt.

My niece had her first child at 45. Now a healthy 8 year old. Don’t despair or dwell on what you haven’t got. How about saving for a vacation to someplace you’ve never traveled? How about the US? Men love accents!

Yes I'm in your position except I'm 42.

Spent my 20s having fun, building a career etc then my 30s I became mentally ill & lost my career. Because I was unwell I looked ill & met no decent men.

I can't really have a baby alone as I have schizo affective disorder now & would be unable to cope but if I was you I'd consider becoming a single mum for now.
I too wish I'd just had a baby at 20, but it's too late now.

My sister is single so I spend time with her but I know going on past experience that if she meets a man then I won't see her.
One friend is single but she won't go out at night.
My social life is shit. I go to the gym but no one talks to me. Local meet-ups are full of single women.

I've joined Tinder & joined a local singles group, been asked out by 6 men from the group recently but they were unsuitable (far too old, too fat, not very intelligent, not in good health at all).
I'm chatting to one nice man, he works away from home though & is on his fifth week abroad! So I can see why he's single.

I'm trying to be positive for you OP but I don't feel very positive!

Seriously I would think about having a baby now & meeting a man later as you don't want to get to my age without a child.

I'm in the same position. Mid 30s. Great career. Financially independent. Lovely group of friends and family. Just so difficult to meet a man to spark/connect with. But I think to myself it's better to be in this privileged position than in the wrong relationship. Keep dating, online and in real life, don't give up

Despite being married I haven't met the right man and I suspect there are lot of people like that. Not sure I settled but I definitely ignored red flags and my instincts.

I admire women like you who haven't settled, you don't have the "baggage" I have.
Would you consider going it alone with children if you haven't met someone by a certain age? I don't regret my children but I regret my marriage.

I think you are doing all the right things, it's ok to feel sad but practice gratitude for what is in your life as that helps to keep you positive.

Decide what's most important to you. Men can wait, babies can't. If babies are important, look into donor sperm. There are lots of very normal women in your situation taking control of having their own families.

You might be or you might meet someone tomorrow. No true answer, I felt similar although nowhere near as long. I now date myself, treat myself. I enjoy the gym, an occasional meal out, walking, a day out, a takeaway, a massage and many other things. All on my own but all a way to treat myself. I'm happier than I ever was during 12 years of marriage, I wish I had someone to share my life with but not at the expense of myself.

if i could go back to being 20 now, i think i would have got pregnant and then worked everything else out afterwards.

Well there’s a winning strategy thats worked out for so many.

I get you’re feeling down but life doesn’t come with a guarantee.

I would never had planned to be a single parent but despite the sacrifice and hard work, it’s been bloody awesome! The idea of raising DD in a relationship makes me shudder now.

Definitely if you know you want a child, look into donor sperm. People can give you all the hopeful stories of meeting the one and having a family in their 40s, but it’s rare. Most women’s fertility isn’t good in their 40s. If you feel your biggest regret would be not having a child then do something about it now.

The modern dating world is brutal and I think it’s become harder than ever to find a life partner. I’ve got a group of female friends (we all met through work) all in our 40’s and 50’s. Out of a dozen of us, only 1 is in a relationship. The rest of us have either resigned ourselves to singledom (some more successfully than others) or are desperately lonely trying all the meet up, OLD stuff and getting nowhere.

I did have children very young (they’re grown up now) so I think I am more happy with my single status because I still have a family. I now feel happier alone and don’t want a relationship, but as I say, that’s easy for me to say because I had kids. I always knew I wanted children so had I not had them young but still not met the right person, then absolutely around the age of 35 I would have looked into using donor sperm.

I will say as well that after two successful pregnancies at a young age, I had an unplanned pregnancy at 38 and it was ectopic, and yes they did say it was likely because of my age and that it was unlikely I’d have a successful pregnancy after that. That was fine for me but no, it’s not as easy to have a baby in your 40’s as some on here would have you believe.

Well I had everything and then last year my husband died of a brain tumour aged 38. So i now find myself in that situation. But rather then dwell I look for the positives . I’m lucky in a way that I have our children but that will also make moving on a lot harder and complicated .