What to tell 3 year old about why his dad has left

[BornOnASaturday]

I have just left my husband after years of emotional abuse, he is suffering from mental illness and I’ve tried everything I can to help him, but he has become more and more angry to the point that he cannot control how he speaks and behaves towards me in front of our children. I’m currently staying with my parents, I have an 11 month old dd and a nearly 4 year old ds. I’ve told ds we’re at his grandparents for a sleepover for a few nights. My husband has said he will move out of our home in a few days so I can move back with the DC, but has said he wants nothing more to do with us. What do I tell my poor DS? My husband can be a wonderful father and they have such fun together. DS adores his father and will be devastated and confused, I don’t know what to tell him.

Well done for leaving, so glad you have support from parents.

I think I'd go along the lines of "Daddy is going to move out of our house and you and me will be staying there."

Dealing with "When will I see Daddy?" will be the most important and painful question here. I definitely wouldn't say any of what your ex has stated - especially since it may have been a threat to keep you from leaving and when he realises you're not backing down, he may well demand contact purely to spite you.

I'm torn on whether it's best to say something like "Daddy has been feeling very sad and grumpy recently. It's best for him to wait until he feels better before you can visit him." My worry would be that a young child might assume THEY are the cause of him being sad and grumpy.

What has the kids done to him that warrants him not wanting to do anything with him? Surely if he find you an issue the kids are innocent?

Is he using his MH issues to wash his hands off his responsibilities?

*anything with them

I think I would be finding ways of saying daddy's not very well at the moment and needs a break and lots of peace and quiet. Hopefully he will change his mind about having nothing more to do with you, what about his day to day financial responsibilities as a father?

Poor you. I think I’d also go with the ‘daddy isn’t very well and needs some peace and quiet’ angle. Will you still be able to see any family on his side, grandparents or similar?

Thank you for your supportive messages. He hasn’t been able to work for the last couple of years due to his illness. He loves his kids and me, but cannot cope with daily life. He’s going to move in with his mum, which might make it difficult to see his family, I’m hoping he’ll change his mind about seeing the kids when he goes, but at the moment he thinks seeing the DC will make things worse once he moves out. I think the daddy isn’t well angle might be the best. I just don’t know how to answer if DS asks when will he see daddy.

How about something like (for starters) when he's feeling better but that might be quite a long time because he is going to need a lot of peace and quiet to start off with

Not sure if this would be possible or not but could you help your DS draw a picture/write a letter if he really wants to and post it to daddy if you can agree that with him and his mother? It might help? Even if his father doesn't want to look at them his mother might and maybe one day he will change his mind and want to see them.

Thank you @PoshPenny, the idea of writing a letter is nice.

When I split with my STBX my DS took it really bad. He was 8 and I went down the route of honesty, that we didn't love each other but we both loved him. However, my STBX still wanted to see him although has now moved abroad and see's him every few months. My son has adapted. I'm sure yours will to.