Boyfriends giving me mixed signals. Welp

[AliceinWonderland13]

Hello Everyone, I'm new.

In need of some sound advice. No judgements would be nice, if possible haha.

So I found out I'm four weeks pregnant (been with my boyfriend 11 years with a three break ups) . Utter surprise because I'm in the final year of getting my degree in fine arts at age 29.... Woo I'm excited about that!
(I got pregnant when I was 19 and terminated because I felt pushed into to. I regretted doing that and not being stronger)

But anyways, I called my boyfriend Tuesday to tell him I'm preggo and his response was surprise.... And he was on the fence. Looking back now, I should have waited a few days to clear my head instead of going to talk to him about what we both want/scared of etc.
Well.... That went horrible. It seemed that as soon as I opened my mouth, he got angry.... Asking me what my reasons are for keeping this baby? I was taken by surprise because I hadn't really thought about it properly.
So he said we aren't ready, pointing out all my flaws and then our situation (we don't live together, we don't have a job and he's been on benefits since he was a kid). I was so exhausted and emotional that I don't remember saying "I am going to have this baby" just remember saying I want it and he didn't straight up say that he didn't want it, just that 'we' aren't ready.
The second night of arguing together, I gave in and said I would terminate but as soon as he wasn't around I felt conflicted.

I mean, I'm totally bricking it and thinking of the future. Will he give me a cold shoulder all through pregnancy and will I be a single mum. It makes me feel defeated.... There is no right time and I know that. I have friends and family who would support me but it's such a huge decision and in my heart I want it but my silly head won't be quiet.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Sorry for the long message and thanks if anyone has read it haha.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You can do this with or without him- many have and do.

There is no need to have an abortion if you are not 100 percent certain you want that.

Btw my husband took a long time to come around to the idea of being a dad. Now he is absolutely doting. A lot of men don't feel much of a connection till they are holding the baby and looking into her eyes.

Whether or not your boyfriend comes around, this is YOUR DECISION.

Thank you :D

It was honestly a surprise....one of those cases of coming off the pill, and getting pregnant after the first bleed.

Thank you

I'm glad he came around in the end. It must have been stressful for you at the beginning not having the full support of your husband.
Think in my boyfriends case, its the fear of the responsibility or repeating his parent's mistakes e.g neglect, money issues and violence.

I'll try to stop listening to my inner critic...that self doubt. Been dreaming of starting a family for many years hehe.

Why has he been on benefits for so long? Why no jobs?

You need to engage both head and heart here. Assume that this deadbeat you've been wasting your time on for 11 years is not going to be involved in any helpful, constructive or permanent way. Do you want to bring up this child alone?

He grew up seeing psychiatrists and psychologists since he was a child.

• was got diagnosed with ADHD, depression, anxiety and Bipolar.

Right now, he's doing voluntary work and trying to figure out what jobs would suit him etc and when he looks to his father he worries that he will ended up jumping between payed jobs.

I have my own mental health issues. had two short jobs and been in education since 2014. Not saying I am any better than him, just I ended up going down the route of what I'm best at

I did ask him what he would do if I kept the baby and he said "I don't know" and then another day when I mentioned about being scared about the idea of being a single parent he said "I couldn't let you live alone with my child". These aren't exactly a definite answer to if he would stand by me, like I mean having a child is exhausting both physically and mentally......it can either make or break a relationship.
The uncertainty of how he will be in the next few years...like having a job, how out relationship will be....has given me doubts.
I'm reaching down into myself to ask the question if i could do this on my own and I keep seeing my sister (who's husband got kicked out the country), I saw how stressed and depressed she was but my situation is different.

Trying to figure out what jobs might suit him? That's taken him 11+ years so far? How about he just jumps in and takes what he can get and then look for the perfect one after that?
Sorry my love, but I'm going to be harsh here. I doubt many people in real life will be honest. He doesn't sound ideal father or partner material. And how will you cope supporting him alongside a baby? And what if your child has similar issues? That's a lot to take on.

I have thought all these things and many more. That why I asked him if I could have the weekend to decide.
But my heart says yes and my head has a little bit of doubt. I am lucky to have family that will help and support me but i cant help how I feel.

If you have the DC it’s highly likely you will be a single parent.

The decision on the pregnancy is solely yours. Your DP can then decide whether to remain in the relationship and work hard to be a good father.

Of course you get time to decide. It’s your decision, not his.

If you have the baby, do it as a single parent. He's not good enough for you. He hasn't matured or evolved in 11 years.

Being a single parent will be really tough, but you seem to have bad feelings about the abortion you had years ago and having another when you're not completely sure will make you feel worse. Don't be pressured into making a decision over the weekend. He is trying to make you dance to his tune. You have more than a month to decide what you want. Use this time to do the sums and work out what support you could expect if you choose to follow your heart.

Congratulations, I hope!

Being a single parent may be easier than living with a DP who is ADHD, depression, anxiety and Bipolar. It'll make it very, very diffficult to be a good dad. OTOH the responsibility settling in may help him too.

Hard to tell. Good luck with everything, you can do it.

It sounds that you want to keep the baby, so keep the baby. I'd also seriously think about dumping the boyfriend, he doesn't sound mature at all.

when he looks to his father he worries that he will ended up jumping between payed jobs

What? Because that would be a human tragedy compared to living off benefits? Come on... I have every sympathy with his MH issues causing major problems in being able to work (I have a family member in this situation) but the longer he leaves it before pushing himself to take a paid role, the harder it will be.

That aside, I think you need to accept that you will be bringing up this baby alone. Even if he wants to move in with you and be a dad, in his current mental state he is NOT in a good place to be a good parent.

Why are you asking him if you can have the weekend to decide?

If it’s taken him 11 years and counting to decide what he wants to be when he grows up, then you get to take as long as you need to decide whether or not to continue with a pregnancy.

Good luck whatever you decide, OP.

Regardless of whether or not you choose to have the child, it would be madness to stay with this man.

It was honestly a surprise....one of those cases of coming off the pill, and getting pregnant after the first bleed.

At the age of 29 you didn't know that not taking contraception could result in pregnancy? And you came off the pill without his knowledge and agreement? To a man who has no job and various mental health issues? Very responsible of you

Did he know you weren’t using contraception?

You had unprotected sex and now you’re pregnant, it happens, so I assume you were happy to have a baby.

You know what he’s like, pretty useless by the sounds of things, so you must know he either didn’t know pregnancy was possible and would be at least surprised, or that while he knew it was a possibility he’d freak out and want no part of it.

Keep the baby if you want to, think you can cope and are prepared to go it alone.

Littlefrog... your judgemental post is out of place here. This isn't fucking AIBU.