How do I do no contact with narcissistic ex-H when kids are involved?

[Velvetrevolution]

I’ve been divorced for a year, and separated for nearly 3 years but am still getting vile abuse, mainly in the form of pages of text messages daily from my ex. Like this morning I’m a slapper and an unfit mother. I’m meant to be getting my kids today and he won’t give me a time for this, which I think is a controlling/attention seeking thing. Similarly when I need him to take kids when I’m working he often won’t commit to a time. Police won’t help as he’s not threatening me. Tried changing my number, and got a Nokia for him, but found it a bit of a pain to keep in touch.

Sorry you are going through this. In the past when I had an ex very similar to yours, one day I just hung up on him mid rant and I completely blanked him for around 6 weeks. That meant he couldn't see our son, but you know what I didn't care our son was just a baby then. When he eventually wrote a letter asking to speak in a civil way, I made it clear if he ever called me disgusting names or raised his voice, I would again completely blank him. There were a few episodes where he did and again I would hang up immediately until he apologized. It took about a year for him to know I was serious... this ex was a solicitor too! Threatened court etc... I still blanked.
I know its different now with texts... it sounds like he is making your life miserable. Let him contact you about collection of the kids later. Hes enjoying the game. There is no reasoning with an abuser like this, he just wants to punish you. I would seriously block him and let him stew for a few weeks.

Don’t let him get to you today.

Stay cool and calm.

Does he drop them off or do you collect them? Who has them the most?

I would do as Crystalize does and text him to say if he doesn’t treat you civilly, he won’t see the children as you are blocking him on your phone.

Take photos of all the things he has sent you so you have proof of how vile he is.

The police will help... they should do... that is harassment, he does not have a right to send you abuse. Go back to the police with copies of all abusive texts.. it does not have to be threats.
I know this because I was harrassed via text and social media and I wasnt threatened but the woman was none the less given an harrassment warning.

Dont engage with any abuse he sends. Just make copies of it. Only respond to direct questions about the kids. Keep and communication you send to him completely bland and just facts/instructions.

I'm sorry you are going through this

I have a narcissistic ex-H, nowhere near as bad as yours though!

Best things I’ve done are: only allowing formal contact through email & having all drop offs / pick ups through school to the point I haven’t seen him for months now which is bliss!

SheRaa that is brilliant! Well done for sorting him out. Having complete no contact even for a short time really does help.

It's hard. As pp have said, disengage. Get it in writing (text or email) that you will not accept any further malicious communications or you will seek legal advice or police for harassment. If he won't give you a reasonable timescale for pick up/drop off of kids, turn it back on him - 'as you are not prepared to do me the courtesy of arranging a time for dropping/collecting the kids I will be home between x and y times this weekend, any changes to this will need to be negotiated etc etc'.

My ex threatened to leave my 9 and 6yo kids at the motorway services once unless I was there to pick them up between 3.00 and 3.10. I was stuck in traffic 3 miles away from an accident at that junction (was on the radio and showed on google maps) but he raged at me so badly i had to stop for an hour when I finally arrived until I'd calmed down. Quick letter from the solicitor telling him his threats to abandon the kids raised safeguarding concerns that would limit his unsupervised contact with the kids soon put him back in his box.

FUCKING bastard trying to keep up that control over you!

I think you need to take a deep breath and take back some control.
Maybe give him set times for collection and if he’s not there within half hour then he forfeits contact.
Or cease contact until there’s a court ordered arrangement in place.
You could also report the harassment.

I’d block him for a few weeks so he can’t contact you. If he doesn’t see his kids then that’s his own tough luck x