Codependent traits & 2nd failed relationship

[TheEndofIt]

I'm in my 2nd failed long-term relationship & have had some counselling on my own to try & make sense of it.

Through this, I was able to understand that I have co-dependant traits.

My whole life just feels like a mess, of my own making & I'm looking back & it all adds up to co-dependency.

Husband no 1: met at 18, had poor boundaries (didn't even know what a boundary was!); he pushed me a couple of times for no reason, had a drugs habit (which he didn't tell me about). Then he lost it through drink & drugs after we married - I finished things (after detaching) & had a couple of years on my own. I had a good single life, with lots of friends & got myself back together (or so I thought).

At this point, I promised myself I would not do anyone else with "issues" eg drugs, alcohol, mental health, debt etc. I recognised that I was fragile & needed time on my own.

I then met DP a couple of years later & thought he met my criteria - good family & friends, seemed together with good job. Really enjoyed doing things together & I thought I had met the right person.

So I moved cities & jobs, away from my friends/family to be with him. It's the most self-destructive thing I have ever done. The first couple of years were fine, but he began to lose his sex drive (to the point of almost no sex), which was very upsetting for me. And he just seemed to lose interest in the relationship. I was 36 & keen to start a family. I thought he was having an affair & told him I was unhappy & made plans to leave.

He then told me that he had depression, that he'd had it on/off for most of his adult life but just hadn't told me - 5 years in to a relationship!!!!

And even worse, that he had never been to see a Dr for this or had any treatment.

He begged me to stay & of course it's what I wanted to believe. So I did, and got pregnant with DC1 shortly after. DC1 was born early & with significant health issues. We really were a team at this point. Or so I thought.

When DC1 had been home a couple of months, DP had left his emails open & I saw a message, from his secretary, about a year before, which more or less said he'd slept with her. A week later, he went on a work night out with a condom in his wallet & it was gone when he came back.

I wasn't right, having had a traumatic NICU experience & couldn't even confront him.

We went on to have another DC, bought a house & life seemed ok.

Then he started working long hours/away & I was left doing everything in the house, plus childcare and work -,it was just like he'd checked out if family life.

Then another episode of depression came, this time so bad that he was off work for 6 months; we had a charity pay the mortgage. The financial stress was awful. He wasn't doing much around the house & I was left working & doing everything for DC, which caused massive resentment.

That's when I had counselling & realised I was co-dependant.

And now he has lost his job through mental health issues & I am a seething ball of resentment. His mental health isn't great, but I am fed up living with someone disengaged & angry, who does not pull his weight.

I have detached from him, sought legal advice & am trying to find a way out.

But more than anything, I'm ashamed that I didn't have good boundaries, didn't kick him out or leave him & so sad for myself that I didn't assert myself or protect myself enough. I don't know if I can ever have a successful relationship.

I'm seeing how my whole life has been dominated by this & feel such a failure in relationships. I have good friendships, hobbies, family & work. I am an intelligent, degree-educated woman, yet my home life is a disaster.

Bizarrely, my parents had a very happy relationship of over 50 years. Absolutely no abuse, but my mum is has these traits too, as does my sister & I suspect my gran did too.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Anyone?

You sound absolutely normal. Life sometimes throws this shit at us. Be kind to yourself. You wouldn't think mean things about another woman whose husband turned out to be a dick. You did your best.

Been there. Husband was depressed due to guilt at his constant unfaithfulness. Dickhead. It took me years to leave but I am fine with that, that's just how it was. It was good for me to leave though.

@TearingUpMyHeart - thank you! That's good to hear.

I have felt very flawed, like some kind of cliché with the co-dependency. And embarrassed about my choices, although they were made in good faith. Not many people have 2 failed marriages.

Just not sure if I will ever trust my own judgment again. Or if I have been too hurt to find love again. Scared of passing these traits on to my DC.

Try three failed marriages! I don't think of myself as a failure and neither should you. I own my own mistakes and am trying to avoid making the same ones again. We are all human, with flaws. Go easy on yourself.

I'd start by looking at the language you use about yourself. Meant in a kind way . Fail isn't a kind word to use to describe a strong courageous decision to leave and start a new life Can you reframe? I actually really never think of my marriage/separation as a failure, I think of it as the end of a phase, or a cycle. Rebirth, growth. What is a success then? Staying with a loser? Ha!!! A lot of 'successful' marriages are not what I call success!

Thanks for your kind words; and yes, I do need to be kinder to myself. I keep having fantasies about going back in time knowing what I do now! How different things would be!

I've got good friends & family so have started enlisting their support.

Just bracing myself for the upheaval.

And I've ordered the "co-dependant no more" book so I can stop myself making the same mistakes again.

There is a “workbook” that goes with co-dependent no more, by the same author. The workbook has exercises in it, it is perfect to go through as/ after you read the main book. If you have a good counsellor, you could use some of your counselling apt’s to go through the written work.

Be kind to yourself. You have shown great strength by leaving an unhappy relationship. Not once, but soon to be twice. That is something to be proud of.

You have learnt about yourself, and you know now where your boundaries are.

You haven’t gone backwards and lost everything you learnt, and you will continue to grow and build on the lessons you have learnt so far.

And you will a wise source of support to your DC. You don’t need to worry about passing the traits on - they will see honesty from you and see that life doesn’t always turn out perfectly. But that’s okay. And it’s okay up ask for help. That is a great example to set, as opposed to the “happily ever after” tale, which may not come true and does not for many people.

(Also, remember that your parents marriage may not be exactly as it seems.)

From what you've said, I don't think you sound co-dependent - I think you sound like a supportive spouse who's understandably reached the end of her tether. It's normal to stay longer than you wish you had, especially when kids are involved. And it's all too easy to look back on a long period and see patterns and regrets. You did what you thought was best with the information available to you at the time. Which is what you'll do now to extricate yourself intact from this relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself; perhaps look into compassion focused approaches

I guess I'm grieving for the future that I never had and the life I wanted for my children.

When my first marriage ended, I was almost ill with the stress of it, but it was just me & him, so the house was sold & I got a new place on my own. Pretty easy.

Whereas this time, I can't afford the house on my own, or even the area so I'm going to have to move. And the effect on his mental health plus the kids lives being turned upside down. All on my shoulders....