I left my boyfriend, venting, long post

[seesamiseem]

I just want to vent. I know it will pass, I just need to get it off from my chest..

I broke up with my live-in boyfriend. First a week ago, but he refused to accept it, and finally on Tuesday (a few days ago) we finalised it. But now I am so sad... He is still living here with me until he finds a new place to go. It was difficult during the work week, seeing his face here - he was so sad and hurt, the next day a bit better, but still. Now he has gone to his parents place for the weekend and I finally get to be alone at my home. But I feel so sad and lost, I even felt a little panic attack yesterday evening because I have not been alone at home for the entire night since we moved in together (5-6 months).
I have always lived alone since moving out from parents house 10 years ago (I'm 29) and it was my first grownup real relationship (1,5 years) and it was the first time I ever lived with someone. I know I can survive alone, I know I can be happy alone, but currently it terrifies me. And I hate it. I wake up in the morning and start crying..
I remember all the good things about him, all the things we did, all the characteristics which could make him a good father if I wanted to have children. He has everything in place. BUT on an emotional level we did not click, he has anxiety (though not (yet) diagnosed), I guess a bit of depression also, he has childhood traumas etc. So all of his good qualities are shadowed by his constant fear, insecurities, hesitations, negativity etc. He hides these well from the outsiders, but I could see and feel these things everyday. He did not communicate with any of his friends, he did not have any hobbies, he did not want to do anything by himself alone without me. It was so suffocating for me. I pointed these things out to him several times, but he claimed he is alright, he does not need counselling, he does not want to do hobbies, yes he is hesistant and is scared, but he can gather himself together if it is needed or if he really wants etc. Whether he did something or not, it all felt like it was so difficult for him. I never new whether he did or did not do something because he was scared/insecure or because he really did or did not want to do it. And it is hard to put my finger on it, but I just feel that on some emotional level we just did not match - it seemed to work, but I missed the connection and I did not know hot to make that. I am also rather insecure etc, I have had counselling years ago and I can manage very well, but I also need someone stronger beside me, because I also want to be weak sometimes. He could not support me in my weaknesses. He sometimes tried, but I had a hard time trusting him/believing him, because how could I if he was so weak himself.

But I keep thinking that f* that, who cares about the emotional connection, I am smarter now, we can make that connection, he has promised that he will go see a counsellor, he will find a hobby, he will talk to his friends! Maybe we can make it work, because he has so many good qualities and skills. He says he loves me and wants to fight for it and true love needs fighting! He says he now understand what he has done to me and what I have been telling him all the time, he is now ready to do anything to fix him so he could feel less fear and anxiety.

Then again, I keep thinking that true love should not be so hard and difficult, I should not feel so exhausted all the time etc. And then I think about his past - he has almost always had a girlfriend. I bet all of them were his love of the life (all these girls left him), but somehow he managed to find the next love of his life very soon when the previous left. And it feels to me he just cannot be alone, he needs someone beside him.

Then again.. what if I find a guy who is more confident, with who we emotionally click and understand better each other, but who does not have all these skills etc that I value about my ex? But I guess emotional click is more important. Nothing can stop us, if we can be honest and secure and understand each other. Is it even possible to find someone like this? I have never met anyone like this..

More venting. I did not like to go out much by myself (as I said, I have some anxiety too from my past). Well, I liked to go shopping etc and meet with my friends sometimes of course. But going to events alone is difficult. And it is kind of boring just wandering around the city all alone.. But I was happy to stay home alone, I practiced my hobby, read, did some DIY projects at home and then be active with my friends or go to my hobby twice a week etc. And I actually really enjoyed being home alone. It is something that I really need regularly. With him though I never got to be alone at home. I hated it. But he also liked to go out, just wander around, go to events. But not alone, only with me. Now being alone at home - I am currently unable to enjoy it, I have some kind of mini panic attacks - I am afraid and lost alone! I would do anything to get him here and just go wander around the city which we used to every weekend. But I know I do not want this life back, where I had NO alone time at home at all. I'm so confused... I feel like I am in a worst place I have ever been - not enjoing being alone at home, in my safe place.

Give it time, you'll get your equilibrium back. Hard to go break up and big change from something that sounds quite smothering.

Now I'm beating myself up because maybe I rushed things. 1,5 years is still time when we should enjoy just dating and having fun and not being so serious. I guess it was too early to move in together. BUT he always pressured me that we do not spend enough time together etc, I always have so many other things to do (yes, I have my hobby, which takes time, yes I occassionaly (two times per month) see my friends, yes I also want to be home alone), but I did not actually agree with him. Finally he told me that if we continue like this not spending enough time together, we will split. I did not want to split at that time. He did not offer any solutions. I knew it was all up to me. I should have said that fine, we will split. But i did not. I told him let's move in together then. I figured then I can continue doing all these things, but at least we could see each other every day. When we moved in together, the fun mostly ended. we did things together of course and so, but the everyday routine and rut kicked in. Moreover, I started to lean on him regarding different repairs or projects to do at home. I figured I am not alone anymore with my desicions regarding home and there are things which are "man's work" so I do not have to worry where to order a service or something, but he could take care of it or help me, we could do things together. But he did not deliver. He procrastinated etc. I figured "he is no good for me, I am still alone with all these things". But maybe I rushed things. Perhaps he was not motivated to do these things because it was too soon, because it is not "his home", he just lives in my home, etc. But I do not know! because I still am not sure what he thinks. I do not know if he thinks or does something out of fear or out of will. I just do not know! He says "yes" - but I cannot be sure, whether he really wants it, whether he is scared of saying "no" or whether he just doesnt bother discussing/arguing with me (which he has said to me, that he just do not like arguing).
I feel I just did everything wrong. But all my decisions were also the result of his subtle or less subtle pressure and manipulation. I should have been stronger in setting my boundaries, but I too was afraid I will lost someone good. So confusing. Both being insecure I guess.
I know it will pass. But I just feel so failed and so guilty I wasted his time.

OP it sounds like he’s using you as a prop. My ex was like this, wouldn’t go anywhere, do anything, and made it very difficult for me to have any freedom. He also promised to change a hundred times, and a hundred times things stayed exactly the same.

I think if you stay with him you’ll end up drowning in it tbh, and once they’ve dragged you down it’s very hard and scary to get back up again. You really do sound like you’re better off calling it quits now. It might not seem like it but there are plenty of good men out there who won’t drag you down. He’ll be alright. Like you said, he always finds another one.

Take it from me OP, you’ll end up surrendering your personality and your like to this man if you remain in the relationship. You’re already seeing how destructive it is, so act now, because the more the two of you become entwined, the harder it will be to get out. You’ll find yourself settling for much less than your worth And when you do make it out the other end, you’ll have to rebuild from the ground up, with a battered self esteem and more than likely kids and financial entanglement.

You have to live your life for every second until the day you die, so you need to make it happy for you. You don’t get your time back if it doesn’t work out. You can’t solve his problems for him and neither should you let him transfer them onto you. You don’t have to settle for less, so don’t. It’s much harder to pick up the pieces after because you take on their problems and emotions, and they train you to feel for them. Don’t let yourself get into that position. You’re seeing the warning signs, so act on it. That feeling you’ve got that this doesn’t feel right, that’s your instinct, it’s there to protect you. Listen to it, or he’ll train you not to.

Whatisthisfuckery - Thank you for the support! I'll try to stay strong. I understand everything you say. Self-pity just kicks in and it is hard. But I will stick with my decision, there is no point in turning back now... I was once happy and strong, I can be that again and there is no way HE can help or support me to grow even stronger, rather he brings me down.. So I let him go and concentrate on myself again. I have thought about the whole day today and I feel more confident. Venting here also helped a lot.