Alcohol Issues

[Katy256]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a couple of years and I can't stand him when he's had a drink. It causes such huge problems in our relationship as I dread him coming home after a night out and we end up in a huge fight. He can't just come home and get in bed, he starts turning all the lights on, saying stupid obnoxious things, bashing around the room, starts coming on to me or being a weirdo and I lose my temper as it's the middle of the night and we end up in a huge row. He behaves like a sloppy embarrassing man. I have told him how I feel and he still continues to go out every few weeks. Should I break up with him and move on? I need some advice.

Break up asap with your alcoholic boyfriend and move on. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you certainly cannot cure this.

This man's primary relationship is with drink, its certainly not with you. There is no good future for you in this relationship and talking to him about his drinking anyway is a wasted effort.

BTW did you grow up seeing a parent who drank heavily as well? What attracted you to this man in the first place?.

No, neither of my parents drink heavily. He is great sober but I can't stand him when he's had a drink he turns into a different person. He doesn't believe he has a problem with alcohol. I think I just need to end it as I can't live my life like this.

Many alcoholics are masters of denial.

You will be doing the right thing in ending this relationship (which in his case is not with you anyway, its with the alcohol).

What is the situation re the property, do you have linked finances?.

You don't want this life, it's much easier to walk away now and have a chance of the life you deserve. It's not easy, please don't think I'm underplaying it but having been there I know how different my life is fifteen years down the line x

@Katy256 my ex was the same except more abusive. I left with two small children and honestly, life is so much better. I'm not super strong by any stretch but he was an alcoholic and we couldn't live that way. I wish I'd split pre kids but obviously I love them dearly, much harder later on.

Walk away. Odds are he won't change.

Thanks, I think your all right. It's hard for me to talk to people because they all say I need to remember his positives and he's a nice guy and they like him. They don't have to live with him when he's drunk! I would rather cut my losses now and think about my future.

If you don't like his behaviour then you should consider ending the relationship. But be warned a lot of people go out every few weeks and get drunk. It is part of a mercifully declining binge drink culture in the UK. Then they behave pretty much like him when they have had too much.

Maybe connect with someone who is teetotal or doesn't drink much.

It's hard for me to talk to people because they all say I need to remember his positives and he's a nice guy and they like him

This is where you need boundaries, it is your life, your feelings and they are valid. I left a lovely but drunk man, it only ever got worse as it's a negative coping mechanism.
Never ever regret leaving someone with a drink or drugs issue as they will just drag you down.
Please be strong and walk away.

Your friends may like him but they do not live with him after all. They see the happy smiley man, you're seeing a completely different animal when he comes in roaring drunk. You have yourself stated that you would rather cut your losses now and think about your future. This is a very good idea.

Thanks girls, really appreciate your advice. It's important to look after yourself and your own mental health. It is a huge deal breaker in the relationship and it's sad to walk away from a man who is great sober, but that other side I will certainly not miss.

Attila and others are spot on, I too have lived it, they don’t change, I am leaving after 32years, best thing I am doing ever. I’m much happier, please please walk away. Funnily enough as I’m writing this he’s come in after drinking and giving me abuse, GET OUT NOW. Can’t wait for the house to sale!

You are saving yourself so much heartache. Well done. Watch that you are not hovered back by his promises of giving up.

Can’t you give him an ultimatum or tell him how you feel and explain things - give him the chance to change his ways? I know exactly how you feel I actually hate being anywhere near my partner when he is drunk - he is horrible, can suddenly flip for no reason and swing between really soppy and really nasty. Have had 16 years of it now - although he doesn’t drink much nowadays but is still lying about whether he has been to the pub. I wish I had got out years ago at the first sign!

He said he will set a bed up on the couch if he goes out and he won't come in the bedroom when he's had a drink. I still feel nervous though as I don't know whether to trust if he will remember when he's drunk. I shouldn't have to feel stressed over something so ridiculous, he's a fully grown man and can't handle a night out without causing a ding dong.

I think you need to end this relationship. You shouldn't have to go through life worrying whether he's actually going to stay away from you when he's drunk. And actually, if he knows how much you hate how he is when he's drunk, and still insists on getting that drunk - then there isn't a future for you two.

Take it from the widow of an alcoholic - walk away.