Were these good enough reasons to leave my husband?

[Jkgoober11]

1.We have never once kissed with any passion. I know from past I’m a good kisser, but it is awkward. Our sex life has never been good, he is timid and has never taken off his shirt in the entire time I’ve known him. Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)

He calls himself a workaholic. Says he’d work 100% of time if left to his own devices and chose me to force balance into his life. This translates into him barely spending time with me unless I convince him to, and him calling me “needy” for wanting to spend normal amounts of time together on weekends because he doesn’t need nearly as much interaction with me.

Never contributes to joint savings account. Took years off from grad school bc he couldn’t stand others telling him how to spend his time. Has a dozen startup ventures and only half develops any of them before trying to sell them off; has made $0. If I ever gently suggest he focus his efforts he gets oddly angry and tells me I’m not allowed to suggest he limit his work. Once told me he wanted a divorce after I asked some critical questions about a project that he chose to spend our entire vacation morning talking about.

Has a post grad training program he could do pretty much anywhere, 5 years. I moved for him once, to our current city, even though far from my family. Now wants me to move again even though this whole career is his “backup plan” after entrepreneur stuff, he could get good training here, and I (the breadwinner by far) am now very settled with A very difficult to find job in terms of both time off and matching my exact career interests. I’m also pregnant and not interested in starting to work twice as hard elsewhere (which will result in much higher childcare costs) and undergoing stress of new job and move at that time. He says he would have stayed here if I “respected and supported him,” yet the only reason I don’t is because he’s willing to ignore all this and see his baby only on weekends for 5 years! (He blames me for “breaking up the family” by not moving.)

He is kind and gentle and generally agreeable. Though Even my mom feels though he does the right things on paper , there somehow seems to be some emotion lacking, and he’ll do just enough to get by like come on family trip for 1-2 days then say he “has to work”!(self invented projects)

I knew his flaws but married him after convincing myself they shouldn’t matter so much. That good sex isn’t everything (though we barely had mediocre), or his total financial immaturity (he doesn’t even know i pay $ for his health insurance premium) should be overcome by how super frugal and successful financially I am. But the result is no attraction to him

How is he ever going to see his child if he can't even make time for you. He is going to be a lifetime of disappointment. And you've tied yourself to him with a pregnancy. Good luck.

Every time he flips and says he misses me and is nice and attentive (he is when he does interact- it’s just so limited when he’s physically and or emotionally gone bc of wanting to work), I feel I should just try to reconcile (even though he’s been telling me the relationship is over for almost a month too), for the sake of the baby we’re about to have and everything being less complicated. I’m positive there will never be passion either sexually or emotionally bc when I’m honest w myself he never showed that, I’ve never even had 1 great kiss w him, but if I can just ignore that forever and appreciate his stability and that he’s a good person then would be okay.

Did he drug you and drag you up the alter? I wonder at you even getting through your first date with him! I’d have climbed out of the bathroom window and ran screaming in to the night.

Oh OP. I have been there and know how conflicting it is when the man is not "too" bad but not great either.

In the end, I knew I would always want more. So we split. Our sex life had been exactly as you describe yours and it was soul destroying. There was no intimacy and I stopped respecting him.

Now, we have split. My exH and I are great friends and co-parent brilliantly together. My DD is happier because we are happier. I have a new partner and he gets on well with my ex too.

I now have the relationship I always wanted. I find my partner exciting, sexually attractive, I respect him massively. There is no comparison. I have found what I always wanted. It is out there. You don't have to settle and needing more doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother.

Good luck, whatever you decide

PS I too felt that if I could just overlook the sexual side, all would be ok. Then realised that if I could overlook it, I already would be doing!

Trying to make a decision about whether to split was MUCH more traumatic than actually splitting. ExH also.agrees we were right to split as we were mostly just friends. But he didn't have the courage to be the one to make the break.

The financial irresponsibility would also kill and sexual desire I had, in your position.

Your husband sounds "ok" and "steady" and "nice enough" but who the hell wants to be married to someone whose primary attribute is that they aren't awful?

You can do so much better. Honestly. Divorce is really nowhere near as stressful as trying to decide whether to end a marriage to a man who is "ok but not brilliant". I have been there.

^We have never once kissed with any passion. I know from past I’m a good kisser, but it is awkward. Our sex life has never been good, he is timid and has never taken off his shirt in the entire time I’ve known him. Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)^

This alone is reason enough.

I get the impression he is borderline on something.

Also that perhaps you feel sorry for him and that’s why you got together in the first place or one of the reasons.

Agree it's a moot point if you've already left.

However, I wonder why you are so passive in your own life that you allowed it to get as far as marriage?!

Your post reads like the complaints of someone who has stayed with this man just so that they can evidence what a shit boyfriend and then husband they were.

If the sex was shit; he never removed his shirt; had no interest in pleasing you then you were a fool for going back a second time!

All I can see is a parent child relationship.

You are the parent, he is the child.

Make a settled secure life for you and your baby and, there is s9meone else better suited to you out there, you just need to stay free and happy to meet him.

Thank you all. I’m just worried I was being too harsh because his good attribute is that he can be really sweet and empathetic and accommodating (ironic when he’s so NON agreeable/accommodating about where to live, finances; the actual big issues- but accommodating about small stuff like where we go on vacation). He can be comforting when he is around and it could make my life much simpler to just stay put. I know the grass isn’t always greener and even though I’ll never have a real spark w a partner or a good sex life or great kiss again, those aren’t the most important things in life and he could treat me much worse... I can just give in and move to this new city he insists upon and maybe Things will be better after he sees I did that and compromised for him?

You should never have married him. You aren't compatible at all. I think you should think about what relationships and marriage actually mean to you. Because from what you have written here, it seems like to think it is something you have to do at a certain age and that you should just settle with whoever is available at that time and deal with it. Certainly, there are some people who can live in marriages like those, but there are many who could not. You being so unhappy makes me suspect you probably aren't someone who wants to live their life this way.

Even the biggest arse has or had good points OP or none of us would have married these guys. If you look out in the real world their are guys you would get on with and guys you find attractive but long term it only really tends to work if you can combine both aspects. I lived with a guy for a while who was very very busy being entrepreneurial and making nothing, in the end it was seriously annoying as real life bill paying all landed on me

You don't sound compatible at all, and I think the blame is not all his because you knew what he was like before you got married and went ahead anyway, presumably because he was Mr Right Here Right Now as opposed to Mr Right.

However, I can't agree with the upthread comment: You only need one reason to leave - because you want to. . Does this apply to anyone (not necessarily OP) who just feels like bailing? What if it's a man who simply fancies a change?

Yankeesgrl

re your comment:-

"I married him bc I reasoned w myself that I’m at an age where I should settle down and look for stability, not passion, and that my super responsible nature and great job would compensate for his financial irresponsibility".

All those were poor reasons to say the very least for marrying at all let alone someone like he. He is not yours to rescue and or save.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think on this and the following questions. Who taught you how to be super responsible here, your mother?. Where did this mindset come from and start with you?.

He will accept no compromise; if you stay with him what you write of him now will simply continue with you being miserable with your child in that process. He will in all likelihood find that this new city will not work out for him either.

Do not stay with him for the sake of your child; that rarely if ever works out well and in your case its a particularly bad decision. Make a life for yourself and your child without he in it day to day. Would you want your child to have a relationship like yours as an adult; I would think not. This is not good enough for you either.

I'm not sure I can find a reason to stay, in all of that. What drew you to him in the first place? You don't seem compatible at all.

You settled. Foolishly. Don't compound your mistake by second guessing yourself.

Be happy to be "tagged as a divorcee" whatever the fuck that means. Could you explain @starzig ?

I’m just worried I was being too harsh because his good attribute is that he can be really sweet and empathetic and accommodating (ironic when he’s so NON agreeable/accommodating about where to live, finances; the actual big issues- but accommodating about small stuff like where we go on vacation)

The thing is, those little things aren't the important stuff.

Yes, sweet is lovely and empathetic and accomodating are nice but they aren't the foundations upon which to build a life. You need them, but the other stuff is equally important too.

You all are so helpful. I think you hit the nail on the head and my husband even once accused me of this- he was in the right place when I got to an age (30) that I thought I needed to settle down and have kids. I did value things about him like his agreeable nature (until the recent unilateral decision to move states unnecessarily) and honesty, but I never felt much of a “need to have you” connection and never respected him much- I see him more as childish than my equal. So I guess even though it sucks to not have this easy intact family, I can’t live like this forever.