Am I being manipulated?

[YellowBlankets]

I feel like a horrible person even writing this but need to test something. My best friend is going through quite a bit right now -although this has been true for most of the time I’ve known him and we’ve been close (over two years). There are real problems but there has always been something if that makes sense - mh issues, family illness, problems at work etc. I feel mean even saying this as while he went through a phase of being a bit of a dick to me earlier in the friendship he’s been my greatest source of support this last few months.

I’ve just noticed a pattern though that I don’t like and looking back it’s been happening for ages. Tonight’s example goes him sending a message saying his life is shit, me worrying and replying with general nice friend statements and him not replying. Me then following up because I know he’s been drinking and I’m worried asking if he’s ok and him replying ‘I’m good’.

I just feel slightly manipulated but don’t know if I’m being mean? This happens a lot.

Yes, it's manipulation - though I'll add that often this isn't quite as conscious on the other person's part as we'd like to believe. That doesn't mean that you need to put up with it, though. I have a couple of people in my life who do that, and I keep them at arm's length. They're not malicious, but they are caught in a pattern, and I am not interested in perpetuating it.

Hmmm that’s interesting. It plays with my mind because I worry then feel daft for worrying.

Why do people do this do you think!

? I mean not !

Why do people do this do you think!

Attention. Which doesn't incidentally mean they don't need attention, but they are using you to get it. You don't have to be that person.

It’s not the greatest but I don’t think it rises to the level of manipulation. He’s drunk, a wave of sad hits him, he asks you for a few nice words, you send them. He didn’t want to chat about his problems, might even be too far gone to do that even if he wanted to, he just wants the nice words (like you always do).

I think it’s telling that when you follow up saying you’re worried, he does reply to say he’s fine. If he didn’t reply to that, or waited a day or something, that’s a jerk move.

I’m a person who gets unexpected “sadness bombs” sometimes when I drink. I have a friend I wail (via text) to. But we’ve talked about it and I know for a fact he doesn’t get rattled by it or mind briefly soothing me.

If comforting him in those situations is psychologically expensive for you, tell him so. In person when he’s sober. And stop replying to him. But since it happens the same way every time, you could also just consider providing a few soothing words when requested as one of your contributions to the friendship.

I think it s mean to make worrying statements to someone who cares adnwould worry, and then not answer you when you make good supportive statements.

I think it's important as a supporter of someone who rollercoasters this way,to get a good strong perspective, that you've said your kind and supportive words, and that is all you can do.

The rest is up to him. You must protect yourself and not go down with him, so give what you can, and no more. It doesn't help him for you to go down with his ship.

There are those who actually do want that though, so just be aware of which side he falls into. He needs to be aware if he's being cruel and manipulative.

I find the posts helpful thanks. Especially the idea of sadness bombs.

I think I’m sensitive as a few times over the years he’s been a dick to me and when I’ve pulled him up on it he’s apologised then said it’s because he’s got mh problems or something or other that’s prompted him to treat me badly and I’ve always forgiven him. It’s not happened for months but I guess it’s sown a seed in my mind about whether or not the sort of support I provide is ok for me.

But then he was so there for me when I needed him not so long ago so I feel really bad for second guessing this at all.

Ironically, friends are generally there in the good times as well as the bad. And a 'sorry' isn't a 'sorry' when it has an excuse attached. Even a valid one.

How long have you actually been friends?

Do you still enjoy his company?

MH issues or problems in his life were not an excuse for him to treat you badly.

Thanks. I do enjoy the friendship most of the time I just need to think some more about the low level concern about being played

This is attention seeking, pure and simple. Don't get drawn into it. If he message saying his life is shit, just send a nice one back saying things will get better then change the subject. Don't chase him up after that. Its very very childish.