Ignoring hurtful behaviour

[MrsHoneybun]

Do you think ignoring hurtful behaviour that you suspect is a passive aggressive punishment for stepping out of line gives the message to the perpetrator that you don't care what they think or, that you think you deserve the punishment?

I wouldn’t ignore hurtful behaviour.

What’s actually happened?

Sorry, should have said by ignoring it you’re condoning it and saying it’s fine to treat you like that.

purple is right. You’re saying you accept it. Don’t do that.

Show you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Just leave.

It's my DP (and I feel by association me) who is being treated badly by a member of his family. His approach so far has been to ignore it as 'it's their problem' whereas I would call them out on it if the roles were reversed.

It's his SIL (his brother's wife) she won't have anything to do with me and is very short with him/ignores him if he happens to see her when he pops in to see his brother. As a result I have only met his brother once and DP only sees his brother every month or two when they go out on their own.

SIL was close to his STBXW and still lives near the ex whereas DP has moved about an hour away. (I wasn't the OW before anyone asks). DP is the younger brother and I get the impression that they're used to him doing what he's told. That's from things he's said and phone conversations I've heard when I've been in the car with him.

Also, he used to be very much an 'anything for a quiet life' person, putting others needs before his all the time. Now he's much less that way.

Yes, it's my view that by ignoring it you're condoning it.

He's said he is going to speak to his brother about it next time he sees him.

It can't be nice for the brother either, they are the only siblings and their parents are deceased. I guess he's probably also a bit 'anything for a quiet life' as well given they shared the same upbringing.

I think he needs to speak to his brother about it but you can't really expect him to be able to change her behaviour. As long as their relationship is ok then I'd leave it be. She sounds awful

So your SIL is NC with you and basically ignores your DP when he visits his brother. Apart from the comment that she was close to DP's Ex, there is no explanation for this behaviour.

So she had made either made a choice not to have a relationship with either of you or is trying to force your DP to conform to something by making him uncomfortable. If the former, then she is entitled to do this and you should both just recognise you have no relationship with her. If the former, well, you should just not have a relationship with her. The brothers can have a relationship, just one that doesn't involve her.

I would tell her husband that you are both happy to have him in your life and he is welcome in your home. Your DP should just not visit or spend time in her company. I don't see the point in confronting this behaviour. It is her husbands problem. Really you are getting a luck break.

Does his brother not want to know you either?

It depends how much you have to devote to petty squabbles.

If someone has this mindset in the first place you won't get any adult rationale out of them so in terms of confronting them, why waste your breath?