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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The emotionally abusive relationship is taking its toll

4 replies

KrisClaire · 15/02/2019 19:28

Hi all, just thought that I would share this with you all to see if anyone else has been through this or if anyone is going through this.

I have previously been in a very emotionally abusive relationship where I was constantly told that I was not good enough, pointing out my flaws, manipulating every situation, causing arguments, not allowing me to go out unless he was there, making me feel like nothing and that his mum is everything, telling me what I could and couldn't wear and so on. Safe to say it was not the greatest of relationships. He was a complete narcissists Sociopath.

It has been over a two years now since we broke up and after having some time out being single, I am now currently in a new relationship and have been for a year where he is amazing and treats me so well. However, I have this constant fear that that something is going to go wrong and that he is going to turn into my horrible ex even though he shows no signs at all. I have also noticed recently that I have become very insecure about myself in the way I look and feel a little bit as though I am not good enough and not sure if this has happened because of how I was made to feel in my past.
I have recently be contemplating cosmetic surgery, I know it sounds crazy but I feel like having something done might make me feel confident like how I use to feel before my horrible relationship and less insecure. I have told my current boyfriend and he really doesnt want me to get any cosmetic surgery done as he says that 'he loves me just the way I am' (think he quoted Bridget Jones Diary there lol).

What do you guys think I should do and how I should over come this as I really hate the feeling that my ex has mentally damaged me.
There was a lot of messed up things that happened in the relationship and thinking of doing another post to share it all as I would hate for anyone to be going through what I went through and feel alone or trapped

xxx

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 15/02/2019 21:32

I heard this book is good, I am going to read it - might help you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Life-Now-Kennedy-Dugan/dp/0415415195/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=it%27s+my+life+now&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1550265292&sr=8-1

KrisClaire · 17/02/2019 14:42

Thanks, i'll have a look at this book :)

OP posts:
alisonmoet · 17/02/2019 15:59

I have been in a similar sounding relationship, just ended it recently, even to the point of conisdering cosmetic surgery too...

My employer has a 24h counselling service which I called to relay some experiences just as I'd kind of come to my senses about the abuse. This gave me the strength to recognise and call out the behaviour, to the point where I was able to walk away.

Worth checking out if your employer offers this as it really helped me to get that reassurance. The counsellor talked about a "template" and said that I have allowed him to breach my boundaries. For me this goes right back to childhood abuse where I was never allowed to actuall have any boundaries.
I am set to received some face to face sessions as he said that this could be a pattern (and I think he's right) which might take some work to unpick.
I the meantime I read a good book and set out a list of boundaries, needs and wants which I look at every day to remind myself, and honestly this has really helped to notice when they are potentially breached and I am able to step back.

The Smart Girls Guide to Self Care

I am just at the start of my journey but I think spotting the red flags and going with your gut (not allowing youreself to be manipulated down) is crucial. You sound very strong and your new man soounds lovely. Good Luck xx

something2say · 17/02/2019 17:54

Hey

I was a DV advisor for years and this is quite common. Once you no longer have to cope with it, ie you are safe and out of it, it suddenly rises up and starts making it's presence felt. That would be why you're feeling shaky and insecure.

You can't go back to who you were before.

Going forward is the answer, but no need for surgery.

What I'd do is....each time an issue rears its head, sit down and get into it. Why did you start feeling bad? What stories of abuse from him is it bringing up? Why wete they wrong and unfair? What damage did they cause? And most importantly, how can love and care heal you now?

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