Feelings about starting new relationship after break up

[carrotflinger]

My 5 year relationship broke up in November - posted a lot about it at the time on a couple of threads. It's been over 100 days now and I have maintained no contact with ex. Ex is apparently drinking all the time - whatever, not my problem.
I've been doing quite well recently, sometimes I have wobbles and miss the good times but then I remember that actually it was a pretty shitty relationship even though right up until almost the very end I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone and he claimed to love me etcetc. The usual stuff. Anyone who is really that interested can advance search me....but basically he was just pissing around and everything and everyone was more important than me. If I "complained" about anything he'd suddenly start whatsapping random women etc.
Anyway, I'm getting a bit of interest from some men at the moment (3 actually). But it's just making me feel shit and I don't know why. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced the same.
I feel strong and powerful and everything's great and then these men start flirting and it all goes to pot.
Example: last night, lovely guy who I have secretly liked a little bit for a couple of years, starts flirting a bit and I was enjoying this and then he gave me a lovely hug at the end. BUT today I've cried about it and just the thought of entering a new relationship brings on a massive feeling of exhaustion and just wanting to curl up and hide.
One of the other 2 blokes is also a lovely man but has a serious health issue at the moment - I just couldn't take it on. So I feel selfish and mean about it.

I also can't stop thinking "You may be nice and charming now but you'll turn out to be shitbags who fuck off when the slightest thing doesn't suit you".

Maybe it's all too soon. I just don't know. How did others feel after a break up and how long did you take before you felt like you could get involved in a relationship? Should I just declare myself celibate for a year or something until I'm really on my feet again.. but on the other hand, the guy last night is lovely and I have liked him for quite a while.

Anyone?

Sounds as if it's a bit soon for you.

Albeit Im not a believer that a woman has to set aside years of her life over a shitty ex who has no doubt moved on with his life.

These men aren't right for you, so you're not feeling it. When the right one comes along and YOU feel right - then you'll know.

& It doesn't have to be all or nothing either. You can just date...take as long as you like to decide whether to progress to a relationship or not.

Hopefully in the midst of all this you're doing things - be they big or small activities events or hobbies - that make you feel good? Any chance of a holiday?

Self-care is important. You'll feel better for it. Takes your mind off things too.

Met these three men through hobbies! Holiday isn't possible at the moment for various reasons.

I think I'm probably not ready. Maybe that's why I cried about the man last night. He could be right for me but maybe not just now.

I think my emotions are all over the place. Ex did a number on me over the years.

I do t think there should be a ‘set’ number of weeks/months to ‘moutn’ before moving on but I do think most breakups (of a significant amount of time in a relationship) require a certain period of time to heal from before moving on properly. That amount of time can vary from person to person but if you’re not feeling right about threse men then maybe it’s too soon.
I separated from my husband just over a year ago (not my doing-he had an affair) and I thought I was ready to start dating after 6 months but I wasn’t really. I have knocked all Dating on the head and a year later I am content with it being me and the kids for now. I miss the intimacy of a relationship but I know I’m not ready for another relationship and OLD has put me off for life!

Sorry about he typos...I have had a bottle of Chablis...TO MYSELF...and it was lovely 😂

My 5 year relationship broke up in November - posted a lot about it at the time on a couple of threads. It's been over 100 days now

Doesn't sound like you're ready. Enjoy some playlists that you ccan't admit to when you're with a bloke, like ear wax extractions.

I'm just tired and can't be bothered but there are feelings there for two of the men. Frustrating! I'm surprised 3 have popped up already. I don't think I'm attractive. I'm 42 and look half-dead. Ex was like a hoover, sucking the life-blood out. So I'm suspicious as to what they are after.

Dr Pimple Popper is also very satisfying.

Doesn’t sound like you’re ready yet. When you are, and it’s the right person, you’ll be keen and it will feel easy.

When he first left I would have been delighted if 3 men were interested as I was convinced no one would want me ever again. He was horrible at the end and made me feel really shit.
Now I'm annoyed by the attention (apart from the one last night - not annoyed by him). But crying about him is a bad sign.

As you have just come out of a toxic relationship would you consider doing the Freedom programme?
It would help you avoid being attracted to the wrong type again. Maybe help you spot the red flags waving in front of you.

Give yourself time OP, you sound like you're not ready yet.

Some exs' set out to kill your confidence ( they're shit like that). Don't ever feel he's done a number on you. A potential partner sees it differently. Don't tar them with same brush but be mindful and trust your gut instinct.

I will look into the freedom programme. There are a lot of attributes listed on the Mr Wrong poster that my ex had.
His family were very verbally and emotionally abusive towards me - that was maybe the worst part of the whole thing. I ended up feeling completely worthless and socially anxious.

Self-esteem is coming back and the social anxiety has disappeared completely since ex left.

I do feel he deliberately tried to kill my confidence in order to make sure I was at home and available for his needs.

My gut instinct is saying that the guy who has the serious health problem is a very lovely person but I couldn't cope with his health problem at the moment. I do feel mean about it. If I'd been in a relationship with someone for several years I wouldn't ditch them if they developed this disease, but I just wouldn't be capable of taking it on along with a new relationship.

My gut is unsure about the guy last night - do really like him but I do think it's too early.

And the third guy - I think he is too "wild" for me.

Yes too soon.

But also realise that time moves on. The relationship you want in your 20’s and 30’s...perhaps kids,a home, a life together etc won’t be want you want later on.Also what you fancy in a man is a reflection of what you are looking for but not necessarily compatible with your idea or goals in life.

I really loved my sons dad and was devestated when he left. But he was never in reality a good match. Actually having his child and being with someone different that really loves me back is perfect. It’s not the dream I imagined but actually I ended up with the life I was most suited to.

What do YOU want out of life now and what does a partner who enables this look like?

Hey @carrotflinger .. me again! I saw this on Instagram and was going to share on the other thread were all on but if I could sum up about how I feel about trying to move on ... this is it x

Hahaha ignore the second image .. didn’t mean to attach that but pleased to confirm I did manage to cancel my Uber

OP you need to get to the point where nobody is that important to you. It takes a lot of effort, self-talk and emotional resilience to realise at a given point in any relationship that if the person makes you feel shit, you can spin on your heals and walk away. And the more times you are able to do that, the stronger you'll get. You'll never look back, and you certainly never look back.

Let's face it the people who treat others badly, I bet they aren't sitting there agonising or feeling bad. They're carrying on regardless.

Plus when the right person comes along you will have high self esteem and that is a deeply attractive trait, which sets you up for success, because nobody will dare treat you badly.

You'll never look back, and you certainly never look back

Sorry, I'm talking complete jibberish

@daisychain01 that's exactly it! Not the gibberish bit though 🤣

Lol Mumsy I can hardly string a sentence together most of the time, but I excelled myself there 😂

Let's face it the people who treat others badly, I bet they aren't sitting there agonising or feeling bad. They're carrying on regardless.

Well ex certainly isn't - he's having a merry time drinking and going to the local brothel and presumably continuing his whatsapp flirtations with various women he met once or twice.

I'm probably not ready at all. I don't trust my judgement anymore and am worried I will end up with another fucker. Though looking back I should have got rid of ex fairly early on because of the way his family was treating me and some aspects of his behaviour but he convinced me things would get better etcetc.

Hobbies are a distraction as one of you posted upthread - unfortunately there are various men there, "showing an interest". It's a bit annoying actually! It brings up feelings about the ex when others are trying to chat me up etc.

I'm in two minds about this because you certainly shouldn't rush in to anything. No harm in staying single and focusing on yourself for a while.

On the other hand it's nice to stay busy and have some distractions, and dating a nice man you like can be just that.

Its also true that time moves so fast, I don't think we can afford to wait until we are 100% healed sometimes. It's like deciding to have a child, you can never be totally ready and it's never the perfect time - at some point you just go for it.

No harm keeping an open mind though, OP

Some of those who are "showing an interest" may be genuinely lovely people.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water as you could miss out on good quality relationships and associations if you tar everyone with your ex's brush. One step at a time. Take people on face value and stay open to recognising any bad behaviour along the way. Don't become blinded either way. All part of life.

Its also true that time moves so fast, I don't think we can afford to wait until we are 100% healed sometimes.
This is true. I'm worried about hurting someone else if I'm not sure of my own feelings when I'm not 100% healed.

Some of those who are "showing an interest" may be genuinely lovely people.
The man with the health problem (ie. cancer) is very lovely indeed and in fact mutual friends who have known him for years have told me this. They also told me about the cancer but did not elaborate on what type etc. He is currently receiving treatment. I didn't want to be too nosey and start asking about that. He does look to be in quite poor health though - extremely thin etc.
I also don't want to ask him questions about it as he has never even mentioned it to me.
He is showing a lot of interest in me but I am frightened to start anything with him because I don't think I could cope with it (Mum died of cancer 5 years ago, just after the relationship with my ex started, and I am still struggling with her death).

The guy from Thursday is also really lovely.
Maybe I should just see what happens - but it was disturbing to come home and cry about it when I should have been happy that someone was being so nice and interested. And today I just feel a bit hopeless about the whole thing. Maybe it's hormones? TOTM.