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Original poster

50/50 parenting after separation - what is it really like?

22 replies

Misty9 · 15/02/2019 10:53

Suffice to say I'm potentially facing this but I wanted to find out from those who've done it - what is it really like? Not seeing dc every day? How does it work for you in practice?

God I sound like a journalist...fuck off daily mail. I'm not. I'm just very confused and torn :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Misty9 · 15/02/2019 10:54

I should have said, what's it like with an ex who was a decent parent to begin with?

OP posts:

Croeso78 · 15/02/2019 11:04

I been doing the 50/50 parenting for about 18 months now, as DC are both in secondary school, and have so much to move from one house to another in term of books, uniforms, laptops...etc. we agreed on weekly arrangements, where children are dropped off at 6pm on Sundays, so they have a full school week and a weekend with each of us. I miss them terribly, and I go and see them every Wednesday evening. And we talk most days on the phone.
Not ideal of course, but you will learn to live with it.

lifegoes · 15/02/2019 11:06

Hard at first, House felt lonely and quiet. I felt lost.

But in time I actually started to enjoy my time. The time I could start to plan to go out with friends and do things for me. Also made me really appreciate the time with him.

The other difficult thing was agreeing on what's acceptable and not etc. He would just allow our child to have anything they wanted, stay up late etc. Never tell him off.

But I continued as I normally would, which was hard as I got back "my dad let's me" but in time we agreed why we both had to stick to the same line.

MrsSiddon · 15/02/2019 11:14

Been doing this for three years now. Kids were 10, 12 and 14 then. XH lives a few minutes away so even on their days with him they pop back and forth. It's all very amicable and works well for us all.

In the beginning I appreciated the freedom to have a private life separate from the kids.

Original poster

Misty9 · 15/02/2019 12:08

I'm guessing none of you regret splitting?

OP posts:

lifegoes · 15/02/2019 12:20

@Misty9 not at al. It was hard, but after 12 years not once have I looked back.

MrsSiddon · 15/02/2019 12:25

OMG no, not one regret. I should have done it sooner tbh.

DoctorDread · 15/02/2019 12:29

I don't do 50/50. Begged ex to be more involved. He like his time to himself and has never really embraced the concept of fatherhood. So he has them 36 hours every fortnight.

No regrets splitting but I'd imagine op that given time, you'll appreciate the time and space to just be 'you'.

sofato5miles · 15/02/2019 12:31

We are trying to come to an agreement on 50 / 50 but the logistics are baffling us.

The weekends are the tough ones to decide as one day is sports heavy and the other empty so we used to do fun stuff. Is there a way of swapping days that isn't too disruptive as neither of us want do do full week swaps. They are 7 & 8.

Cath2907 · 15/02/2019 13:25

We don't do 50:50 but he does have her 1 night per week and 1 day and night each weekend. I'd be happy with 50:50 but apparently he finds it hard with work.

DD (aged 8) was pretty distressed at the split for a few weeks but we've both modelled good consistent communication about how we still both love her and that none of this is her fault. We've also remained friendly to one another occasionally sharing a McDs at kid swap time or similar. Within 4 weeks this had become the new norm for her and she actually seems much happier to me now 4 months on. Certainly not living with two people biting their tongues not to yell at each other must be a relief to her.

I don't regret it at all.

YetAnotherUser · 15/02/2019 14:57

My kids mum and I do 50/50, week on week off kind of arrangement. It seems to work quite well for all of us, my relationship with my kids is much more like the kind of relationship I envisaged before becoming a dad!

My kids mum isn't the worst, she's not particularly reliable and prone to making bad decisions, but the kids love her and are happy to spend time with her, and they (moslty) seem happy to come back and spend time with me too. Their mum and I have plenty of disagreements, but we usually resolve them quite amicably and we manage to co-parent quite successfully.

Original poster

Misty9 · 15/02/2019 18:04

It's good to hear how it works in practice. I'm just so torn as things aren't awful, we rub along ok but there's no particular connection or passion anymore. Ds really struggles with change so I'm trying to visualise what it might look like and if it's worth all the upheaval..for the potential of feeling a bit happier.

OP posts:

dirtylittlemonsters · 19/02/2019 08:00

Been doing it for 18 months. DC's are 6 and 4 but youngest DC was still a baby when we separated. I was still BF'ing him to sleep! The first few months were hard but we were adamant it was to be 50/50. FaceTime made things much easier. We're now in quite a happy routine. They have the same two consecutive nights with us Mon - Thurs (eg me Mon and Tues, exH Weds and Thurs) and we alternate each weekend with changeover on a Sunday. We have the whole year planned out and make every effort not to swap days, weekends etc so that we can plan holidays etc well in advance. We are both with new partners who the children adore and it is quite a revelation to go on child-free holidays knowing with absolute certainty the children are safe and happy and secure in one of their homes. That said, I haven't managed more than a week away from them yet as miss them so much.

dirtylittlemonsters · 19/02/2019 08:02

Just to add, we're both much happier as we are now. ExH is faultless as a father but we couldn't have carried on as we were in our marriage. Both children were young enough to adjust to the situation quite quickly and youngest DC certainly won't remember life being any different.

TearingUpMyHeart · 19/02/2019 08:05

We do nesting, so we move out and the kids stay put. Not disruptive to them, a bit hard on us, but i'd rather we went through it. So I move in and out every few days. We share weekend stuff like footie runs and then have agreements about afternoon/evenings. Sometimes one of us goes away for a whole weekend tho. All kids are teens.

CJ357119 · 19/02/2019 08:34

Whatever you do it’s not going to be the same. My eldest (now 27) has since said he felt like he never really had a home being moved from pillar to post every week (we had this 3/4 arrangement) With hindsight I think me and his dad would have agreed to have him with me all week with one night at his dads at the weekend but with his dad having access all week to go out and do things. He has said that he would have preferred that looking back. It’s all about having these type of discussions, not falling out too much over it and making sure that whatever you agree is for the benefit of your child(ren) and not agreed for selfish reasons.

I got used to the days I had to myself and With technology now, you are never really away from them.

The biggest challenge is remaining amicable. If you can do that then it will be a much smoother process. New partners tend to cloud the waters so don’t jump into another relationship too quickly (my ex had a GF within 4 weeks of us splitting up after a 10 year marriage)

Redbus1030 · 19/02/2019 09:00

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

BettyDuMonde · 19/02/2019 09:27

We don’t quite do 50/50 - DD stays with dad 3 nights a week and me 4.

We live 5 doors apart which helps enormously with logistics (school catchment unaffected, easy to collect forgotten school shoes etc) which isn’t for everyone, but it works for us.

We had relationship counselling to help us to break up in a healthy way and successfully co parent. We’re both living with new partners.

The only problems we have is that my ex sometimes treats me as if we are still together - he expects me to pick up all his slack (like covering his days when DD is sick and off school) is completely unaware that he still takes me for granted! Still, it’s better than it was .

waterSpider · 19/02/2019 09:29

Did this for about 11 years, with a child from 7-18.

IT can certainly emphasise differences in approaches to parenting, which ideally you need to discuss with the other parent -- though avoiding the idea that one is necessarily "right" and the other "wrong".

As kids age, they need longer blocks of time. We moved from splitting mid-week, to weekly, to fortnightly, as the child gold older.

Mobiles and tech mean you can have a fair amount of contact when apart, but respecting the privacy of the other parent.

Fine with us, but with some other parents it is the arrival of NEW PARTNERS that can really upset things.

Can also mean you are basically forced to live within a few minutes travel of the other parent for a LONG time, to make the school journey viable.

Original poster

Misty9 · 19/02/2019 12:08

@TearingUpMyHeart that's really interesting - how does it work for you? I'm guessing you must have three houses? I do feel the kids should be the ones least affected as it's not their choice.

OP posts:

TearingUpMyHeart · 20/02/2019 18:29

It works ok. Very very well for kids. I am 100% sure it is better for them. We have another house and rent out the spare room to cover the mortgage on it.

AldiProsecco · 20/02/2019 18:36

I would LOVE this. My xh left me with 95 of the responsibility (although he does pay maintenance so I know there are others worse off).

But yeh, I can imagine when your'e facing all the huge changes it's scary, but actually when life settles down and you adjust and you have your own life and think of yourself as YOU as you are now, enjoying a bit of freedom but still seeing your kids every week, I imagine it must be lovely. My Kids teens and I would kill for this life.

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