Do I let him see my kids after 2 years of no involvement?

[Dannii3232]

Hi everyone,

(My post is a little long but it's worth the read I promise)

I need some advice on whether I should let my 3 daughters fathers in their life.

We have 4 year old twin daughters together and a 2 year old daughter. We were never really in a relationship but he's the only person I slept with for about 4 years straight. We were very much on and off and we had a very emotional few years after I got pregnant with my twins and told him that he needs to be involved.

He was Involved and saw the girls most weekends. He never really knew what he wanted. I knew for sure he didn't want me although we slept together consistently. Then he met another girl who a couple of years later became his wife.

I really didn't like her at all! We had never met but I felt like she took him away from his girls, while they were engaged we slept together a few times and I fell pregnant again! To my surprise she actually stayed with him after I forced him to come clean about our affair to her. But then he moved 3 hours away and because of the "drama" stopped seeing his daughters (even though he never did anything much for them anyway).

He did however tell me he's not ready to be involved yet he has to sort out his life and he hasn't been involved for 2 years and has never met his daughter.

About 4 months ago he reached out to me and said he is now ready to be involved (He's now married with a 4 month year old) I'm not sure what's changed but I don't know what to do because I've moved on and been in a relationship for over 2 years and my girls see my boyfriend as dad (even though I've never told them that and they've never called him that, he's been consistent in their life)

On one hand he explains that he would have been no use looking after the girls because he was overcoming a "serious sex addiction" and he would only have made things worse and wanted to be there 100%for the girls which he is mow ready to do. As for the wife, I can't stand her but I can't actually fault her either because even though I don't really trust kids around her she has been a primary school teacher for over 10 years and is very good with kids.

sidenote: over the last 2 years my twins have been seeing his parents and apparently he's always asking about them and as of recent speaks to them over Skype whenever his parents have them. They know that's their daddy now but my youngest has never met or seen him. and he has never stopped paying maintenance.

We met recently to discuss what should happen and my condition was to allow him to see the youngest while I'm around until im comfortable and confident that they have a stable relationship, they said no and decided that they only want me to do the initial meeting and introduction then leave her with them to build their own relationship so I don't interfere with their relationship building.

I don't know what to do now, do I just allow him to walk back in and be the father I've always expected him to be? Or Do I make his life he'll because he left me with 3 kids 2 years ago and just feels he can waltz back in and call the shots? I'm still angry at him about what he did but I do want him to see the girls, I just feel like he needs to be punished for just walking out like he did. my head is frazzled! Help!

I'd take it very slowly. Your children do deserve the chance to know their real father... but that shouldn't be at the expense of their wellbeing. I'd personally want to build up contact over time. Start maybe with a phone call once a week or a supervised visit with you and the kids somewhere neutral like a soft play or the park. When hes shown that he is going to be consistent and is putting the needs of his children front and centre, I'd then let him have them for longer periods unsupervised.
If he fails to be consistent in the build up then I'd not let him have any unsupervised access etc

If it was me I wouldn’t even consider my own feelings. What’s important are the DC. And I think seeing their dad and half sister is important. I’d introduce it all slowly and make sure they adjust ok, and then hopefully it will become a regular normal thing. Thankfully the 2 year old is too young to hopefully remember the first couple of years that he wasn’t there for her.

He doesn't get to waltz in after two years and start making demands about you not being around whilst he gets to know the girls. I think that's his wife not being comfortable you being around him.

Would you feel comfortable about letting his parents facilitate a relationship between the girls and their father?

Contact centre first. He needs to jump through hoops to make sure his dc's aren't messed around.

All you really know about him right now, is that he is a liar and a cheat and that he abandoned you and his own DC.
HE does NOT get to tell you how it's going to be.
You know your DC best and you know how you want this to go.
They don't just get to say 'no' to your very reasonable request.
They can get to fuck if they don't want do it your way.
Be very firm on this.
This is going to mess with them anyway and they need you there initially until they get to know them.
You don't just hand your DC over to complete strangers, which is what they are right now.
Stand firm - you know best and it's your way or the highway!

You remind them that a 2 year old would be having a programme of settling in sessions with a childminder and it would be very irresponsible to just leave them and waltz off!!!

An initial introduction and then you leaving your two year old with them is very unreasonable. The fact they think that is acceptable would make me proceed very cautiously with them.

Yeah your girls should know him and who he is, but no he doesnt get to waltz back in.

This is the first time he's wanted to meet his two year old? Thats frankly awful. The fact she is a teacher and has enabled his disinterest is also shocking. I'd be angry too OP.

you don’t really have a choice,do you?
if he went to court he wouldn’t most certainly get contact.

I think he does deserve a chance - you mentioned he pays maintenance which is so much better than many absentee fathers so he obviously does take his responsibilities seriously to a point. Yes the initial meeting should be with you, but subsequently can't they be at his parents? They already have a relationship with them. Do stress to him though it needs to be consistent - whether that's quarterly, monthly or more often.

would *