Are you a woman raised by a man?

[myidentitymycrisis]

Prompted by the thread about what we know about men we wish we’d known earlier, several comments about how socialisation of men and women influences behaviour, obviously in a societal context but also in the home. I’m interested in hearing from others who like myself and my siblings,male and female, were not raised by women and how we think that affected our expectations of ourselves and the opposite sex.

I've changed my name so I can reply. My sister and I were raised by our father from being toddlers but still had contact with my mum and saw her every few months, spoke on the phone every day.
I'm confident in my intelligence but he bigged me up a lot in that way, but I really don't like my personality. I've also been told I don't really gel with women (by the MIL) but have both female and male friends and definitely think more of the women! I don't think who I lived with affected me as much as I was a real Mummy's girl and hate my father, haven't spoken to him in 5 years because he's a narcissist bully.
My sister rejects friends and is a bit shirty with women now, she works in a very male dominated environment.
How did it affect you?

I feel myself to be quite equal to my male siblings, (I have a sister too) and I am very independent. Not having a female to model the role that lots of women I have read here complain about being placed in, makes me wonder if its women who reinforce those stereotypes as much as men do. It has made me quite a feminist I suppose, I don't readily place myself in nurturing roles, I do what I need for myself, maybe a bit like we sometimes see men as doing.
I have never really understood how to relate to other women even though I have a couple of female friends, when females approach me in what I understand is a friendly way I am a little confused. I struggle with lasting romantic relationships with men.

piano, curious as to why you namechanged?

Just my other posts mention my child and I don't want to be identified! It's a small world after all. I hadn't name changed in a while.
I know what you mean about independent, I loathe paying or asking someone to do something that I could do myself.
You're right, seeing my father perform both roles definitely means I don't subscribe to men's and women's work.

I understand, we do put a fair bit about our circumstances on here.
Just like you - I hate paying for work to be done ! how interesting. I have always put it down to using keeping busy as a defence, meaning I didn't have to engage with others and face my insecurities about myself.
I have an underlying feeling that I am missing something about being female, which makes me awkward around other people, but I can't put my finger on what it might be.

Sorry to crash your thread, I wasn't raised by a man. I was raised by a single parent though I do now have a relationship with my dad.

Alot of what you both posted applied to me too. My mum definitely enforced female stereotypes, even to the extent of telling me my education wasn't as important as my brothers as I would have a career. I would marry, have kids and give up work.

I don't like having work done in the house. I like learning how to do it and do it myself. I even fitted my own kitchen a few years ago. I am not a natural at nurturing and often described as having 'male' attributes in the work place.

My Dp thinks it funny, because I am not overly romantic or 'lovey dovey' like his previous partners and he is the one more likely to make a romantic gesture.

My brother, however, is now a sahp and gave up his career so his wife could pursue her own. He does far more of the house work and planning etc.

Perhaps part of it is nature, part nature. Maybe me and my brother are outlier who naturally rebelled without realising. It's very interesting though.

Hi Boysandbuses please join, it's only been the two of us so far, it's clearly a niche subject. I'm interested in your perspective although you were raised by a woman.
I am different to you in that my dad treated us all fairly equally regardless of sex in chores etc, but I feel he did expect my brothers to be more accomplished academically. We were never expected to get married and have kids, he would have been the first to tell say that obviously didn't work out for him.

It must be a combo of nature/nurture maybe being raised by a single parent had more influence on our independence than which parent raises one, I don't know.

I did turn out to be better at housekeeping than my brother though, and DF didn't expect me to do any more or better than DB, so where did that come from? out of the ether?

Thank you.

I have been thinking about this. Dp was actually raised by a man. His mother walked out when he was a baby, leaving him and his older sisters with his dad.

His dad was provided the basics, but wasn't a great parent by any stretch of the imagination.

But dp is an excellent housekeeper and has no sense 'women's jobs'. But is full of old school chivilary. He is an excellent housekeeper and cook. Does far more than me as I work longer hours

Raised by my Dad.
Im very independant, self suffucuent and find it really hard to ask for help.

Its like fonzi saying sorry...it doesnt happen without me being very weird (weirder than usual).

I dont get birthdays or special occasions...i understand them but i dont feel good feelings and dont understand when people go on and on. I get it but its like its beyond me.

I dont understand girls doing things together or being helpless. I.e girls going to the loo together or shopping....batshit. Or food shopping....it baffles me.

My friend wouldnt go into the loft to get her xmas tree down...flat out refused...her partner did it. I still dont understand that. Or that someone would do that for their female partner.

Im very humble and dont need to big up my things but women around me do. I dont understand.

Now this may be that im missing some brain cells / or on a spectrum if some sort

Or the result of being raised by my Dad and the type of man he was. Great...but didnt want me to be girly and dependant on anyone. Birthdays werent a big deal or other occasions accept christmas.

Ive had two long relationships in my life.

One 14 years but he was in the forces. We spent time apart alot
And one 10 years or so...he kept moving to other areas for work. We spent alot of time apart

Yes theres a theme. Annoyingly predictable
Again it might be because im a bit special lol or how i was raised

But my career is very the opposite of me. I get to help those families going through the mill. So they kniw theyre not on their own. I get to show all those feelings that dont come natural because its work and it feels ok somehow and its for other people.

Ill shush now. Its been a long day and ive had a couple of glasses of wine lol

I was - he's a great dad and has always made me feel like I could do anything I wanted. Not in a cheesy way, just a quiet sense of self confidence. I think because we all mucked in at home (I also have brothers) and no jobs / cooking was for any particular gender it made me assume all men could / should be the same. Having my own independence is important to me and I think that's from his parenting style - he showed me how to do things like tile, wallpaper and paint as well as cook & iron etc.
We're very close and I speak to him several times a week, we didn't do the period talk or anything embarrassing though but I had a big family and could talk to cousins / aunties about that which he knew. Now I'm a parent I'm in awe of how he did it all by himself, like I am all lone parents regardless of gender. He's a very kind and generous person and I know I'm lucky to have him. Not so fond of the haircuts from the barber I ended up with though 😂

I agree with you, OP. Some women do reinforce stereotypes although this is slowly changing.
You see it with parents of girl and boy siblings. Often treated differently-boys encouraged to be more active and girls encouraged to help at home. I've seen some mothers who are softer with their sons as in 'boys will be boys' but firmer with their daughters.

wow wheelycote we share so many similarities, especially the long distance relationships, my favourite type.
Yes to the celebrations and lack of getting it, why make such a fuss about birthdays?

My job is helping people, I seem to identify with those who don't have much of a voice and want to help them get on and kind of advocate for them.

Im waiting on the wine arriving now

I was raised by my father alone. I am one of 12. Honestly he was the best parent ever. Taught us all sorts of DIY and cooking, the lot. So when we left home we was prepared. He's always treated us the same, encouraged us all to get outdoors every weekend. Took us camping and climbing a lot. I honestly do not know how he managed sometimes! He never stopped us from doing what we wanted to do, he did show us a lot of tough love though. He raised us all to be independant and to work hard. My mum was never around so as a woman, I did struggle with period talks and sex talks. I also believe it affected my relationships growing up in regards to trust. As I believed if my own mother could leave then so could everyone else. I'm past that way of thinking now after some counselling! But it also made me a better mother to my children in a way to.

It does anger me though when I see some fathers walk away from children when my father brought 12 up alone and held down his own business at the same time.

@ButterflyBlue13 Wow 12?! Are these all children your father had with your mum or a mix of different mothers and/or adopted kids? If you'd like to say of course.

@JudyOha yes we are all the same parents! Crazy isn't it x

@ButterflyBlue13
Wow, crazy indeed!

My grandma was. She had quite a typically female role on her marriage to my grandfather though.

She was very lovely, but she could be a bit insensitive and was more sort of "self focussed" than alot of women.

my stbx was raised by his father from the time he was 6.
an old bf's wife had died when his dd was 3 and he raised her but he had A LOT of help from his mum and sister.

Interesting.

I was raised by my father in the eighties along with two younger siblings. Mum was there but went back to work full time. This was unusual back then.

I have a good relationship with both, but much better with dad. Mum is very controlling and black and white. Dad taught me "life skills" mum cannot cook at all, rarely cleans, never irons. Dad did all of that and would often care for multiple other kids locally as well.

He was very laid back, to the point of not knowing where we were most of the time.

I met DH at 16, married at 19 and have been with him ever since. His mum is much more "traditional" than mine but does also work full time.

My best friend is male. I have female friends and am very close to SIL. I do not and have never had a large female group of friends.

My mum sort of controlled the house from afar. She would leave a list, lunch today is X, tea is y, activities are such and such. They are retired and dad still gets a list . She probably has a closer relationship with my sisters kids than she did with us. She absolutely took on the " wait till your mum gets home" role. Dad was soft as and very laid back.

Dad wasn't educated from 14 and he loved it. He did all homework and read everything we did. When I went to university we joked he should have done the degree as well as he was always reading my coursework.

I'm probably the worst part oft them both. I like to be in control of things, don't cope well with disruption. I am very self sufficient but also have a very demanding job. Not at all good at asking for help.

I’ve always felt closer to my (on the spectrum) Dad than my narc mother (who did leave the family for periods - which was great!).

I don’t get a lot of so called girly shit and an a bit more practical (although DH sometimes describes it as selfish)! I am clearly much ‘tougher’ than a lot of my female friends and have worked in very male dominated careers ( and always had a lot of support and friendship from my male colleagues - though loved the women I worked with as we really ‘get’ each other).

I have a fantastic relationship with my DH - both each other’s (equal) rock! I really find it hard to believe women put up with half the shit I read about - though DH tells me it’s true as he thinks most men are shits! My DF treated me and DB ‘equally’ and being brought up to think I could do anything I wanted helped!

This is a fascinating thread because despite both my parents bringing me up I see a lot of the traits you mention in myself. My parents were much more egalitarian than was the norm in the 80s-90s (and even now). No male/female housework, they earned equally generally, but for the last 15-20 years my Mum has outearned my Dad and has always been more senior at work. They both worked full time.

Mum was raised by her Mum as her Dad died young, so she had the role model of a parent playing all roles and I think that probably influenced her. Dad’s upbringing was “traditional” but he saw no reason to perpetuate it and mucked in with everyone else.

Neither have time (nor do I) for people who don’t try to work things out for themselves first, and they instilled a (possibly over-inflated) sense of capability and self-worth in me and my brother - not sure how, need to bottle that for my kids. I genuinely believe there’s not a lot in this world I can’t do if I work hard enough.

I have had close female friends but it’s always been transient. We have fun, even talk about personal things but as our lives change we move on. I don’t understand the need to validate feelings by discussing with other people, I am very self-reliant. But so find it very hard to take even constructive criticism.

I have come to the realisation that I am physically stronger than a lot of my female friends. Nothing to do with my upbringing of course, but it’s part of my not understanding why they can’t do x or y. I was baffled as to why they would ask a man to help carry a pram/toddler/bags up and down stairs at the station, which added to my sense of not “getting” other women.

Which is all a very long winded way of saying that perhaps role modelling, regardless of sex, is the key to all this.

I was raised by a man and was really damaged by it. All my life I have sought a Mother figure, a nurturer. All my life I have lived to please men and be "good" mad nice, subservient and a servant. Me and my sister were used to cook and clean because my Dad couldn't cope with any of it. He never showed me how to do masculine type jobs, as they were thought of then. He gave me lists of things to do when I got home from school and he watched me do them.

It's only now as I approach 40 that I realise what a horrible path this set for me in life.

I have people staying with me this weekend. I haven't abandoned the thread. Just popped back in to catch up as I can't sleep.

It's incredibly reassuring to hear others share the feeling of independence (not fitting) and capability to be able to do most things.
I used to think some of my traits came from feelings of abandonment , but perhaps they are as a result of having a male role model. which in a way is the result of parents separation, but indirectly IYSWIM
IamTheMeg sorry you had to do a lot of the caring for your DF.