I dont have any mates at 28 years of age.

[Mscandylamb]

Am I alone?
Is there other people out there who dont have mates? I dont have the sort of friends who call or text, or I can rely on in any sort of scenario... I think its very pitiful and I think im just destined to be alone and miserable.

Long story short.. Since childhood I never really had real friends. I had play mates but not the sort you would grow up with and keep in tight contact with. At primary school I had "friends" but they cut all contact once we went to secondary school, because we all went on to different schools which is fair enough. Secondary school, again I had "friends" to sit next to etc but never really formed tight bonds with anyone enough to do things outside of school with. I was always the quiet girl or the loner type.
College was dreadful, full of bitchy girls that I couldn't relate to I only had one or to friends and they turned out to be the spawn of the devil. Uni was similiar however in first year I made a lot of connections but fizzled out in the second year and my classmates (the ones I was close with) all started to avoid me...for what reason I dont know.

All in all l see myself as a very nice person who puts others before themselves and is always polite and rarely gets angry, I dont understand why I cant seem to maintain a friendship or keep on contact with other people my age especially females. I have tried meet up groups but again once you stop going to the events the friendships tend to fizzle out and cause im 37 weeks pregnant I cant attend them anymore. I used to really enjoy meeting new people every week...some people I would click with others I wouldn't. But nothing ever progressed from exchanging numbers or FB's.

I dont work, so I dont meet people through that avenue unfortunately. I have even resorted to trying to find friendships online even though that can be risky. Im just fed up of being the only one in my family with no mates.. Fed up of not having real girl pals who I can call up and have a chat with and go out to coffee or spa or do something to strengthen our bond together.

Is there anyone else there who genuinely dont have friends? Im not begging for mates but it would be nice to know im not alone.

Thanks for reading!

Have you tried downloading the "meet up" app? It has lots of events & groups of people meeting up locally. That would be a good way to make some new friends or at least people to get to know & have some fun social times with.

One of my DC is the same, really lonely but so shy. I know a meet up App would be beyond him. How do you give someone or gain the confidence to make friends.

You’re not alone OP. I’m the same.. kinda. Apart from 1 all my friends are in their 50s/60s etc. I met them in my last job. I do appreciate their friendship don’t get me wrong! But as we aren’t around the same age it’s a little different. It does get lonely I feel like I have no life outside DP and work sometimes!

You’re pregnant. Could you join mother and baby groups to meet other new mums?
What part of the uk are you from?

Surfingtheweb

Yes I have the meet up app but as I said in my posting, I cant go out atm because im heavily pregnant and walking for a short period of time or sitting down/standing leaves me breathless.. And tired.

I've tried the meet up thing but because I live in London, everyone is either coming or going and just plain busy so dont really get the chance to build and establish proper friendships.

Yeah in a similar position as you. Although at least you’re going to have a child.

KennycalmIt

Its a lonely world out there! I've read some articles online about people around my age that consider themselves lonely and friendless and post on FB looking for companions but I feel embaressed about my situation, it never fazed me in my teens cause I always thought I would have more oppurtunity in the future to make some good friends but then I got past uni and im still friendless and I finished uni 6 odd years ago.

Yes I also have support from the perinatal mental health team so they will hopefully give me some pointers towards hopefully attending some mum and baby groups. Also Im from London.

Butterflycookie

Trust me, pregnancy is not easy. Even though im looking forward to having this baby.. I would give anything to have atleast a couple of good friends to support me when im having my so called bad days. Vice versa. And to just enjoy life with.

Have you ever worked? I don’t have many friends and while it’s not a given that you’ll make really good lasting connections at work, I find it’s great for daily human contact. Are you planning to work once the baby’s a bit older?

You might actually find that once the baby has arrived, you can make friends through baby groups.

Not everyone has a group of friends that goes to spas and bonds. That’s a bit of a media fantasy.

However, you do seem to struggle with friendships. Some people aren’t extrovert and don’t have huge social circles, and that’s OK. One good friend is worth 20 spa-going bondy pals. But the bit about people at college avoiding you is concerning. Have you no idea at all why they were doing that? Is there anyone you can ask who would be honest with you?

Snoutandab0ut

Yes I've worked in the past, in various jobs..mainly part time though. And didn't spend enough time in those jobs to create a lasting bond with anyone. Dont get me wrong I wasn't completely anti social and would consider myself a quiet but chatty soul. I think my problem is I prefer one to one conversations/friendships, as in groups I tend to clam up.
I intend to go back to college and re-train for something once my DD is older for the sake of my DD's future.

I know exactly what you mean, I also struggle with the lasting bonds thing. But personally I’ve found working is a good distraction from loneliness because it gets you out of the house every day, perhaps baby groups would be a good start once you’ve had the baby? That environment probably lends itself more to making friends than work as well.

Have you tried the friends feature on Bumble? It’s like the dating feature but just for people who want to be friends so you can swipe through women who are also looking for mates. One of my friends tried it and is going for a drink with an Australian lady this weekend!

HeddaGarbled

I dont hold out much hope for the mum and baby groups but l guess its worth a try, atleast I'll have something in common with the other mums - a baby!

Even just to have a mate to call up whenever without feeling like your pestering them would be nice, I honestly have no idea why they avoided me.. But maybe its because they were competing with me because we studied an arts subject at university so everyone was trying to out do each other instead of support one another. Jealousy, thats the only reason I can think of.

Snoutandab0ut

I agree about the working thing, but collectively I wasn't happy in the roles I was working which made it hard for me to get emotionally attached to anyone, dont get me wrong I would chat to people who chatted to me but my heart wasn't in the jobs I used to do and work friends usually last as long as your in that job most of the time.

I haven't tried bumble, sometimes those apps aren't for everyone. Might have a little nosey on there if I get really fed up though!

I completely agree with you about the one to one conversations. So much more interesting than the performance conversations that go on in groups.

I do think you need to examine yourself and your attitude a bit more. You are very critical of others: “jealousy”; “bitchy girls”; “spawn of the devil”. Was there no one you liked? You can’t make friends with people who know you don’t like them.

Friendship is built upon similarities. When you have your baby you will share things in common with others.
Your life will be new.
You're young. It's all ahead

Hedda

I did start out liking them when l first met them then like the song true colours, they change for the worse. Not saying I'm perfect but l dont start drama for no reason or talk behind people's backs etc and l dont want to be friends with such people.

I'm exactly the same and 33 weeks pregnant. I've joined an NCT group and hope to make friends there. I've noticed my whole life I never made good friends with people my age, either younger or older but not my age. I'm 20 so I'll cut myself some slack and hope one of these days I'll find someone

Fatbrows

Your still young, give it time and effort and you'll meet people who are on the same wavelength as you. Good luck!

Picking up on your comment about drama and talking behind the back of other people, I'm inclined to think there is something in this.

I'm nearly 20 years older than you, and like you I cannot involve myself in talking about people, especially if it's behind their back or less than kind. My feeling is this, that women's conversation often revolve around relationship issues, subjective emotive opinion and women often fucus on emotional support, but the flip side or darker side is gossiping. So one can say something very sweet and kind about someone, but equally something judgemental or even cruel. And there is often a fine line between the two.

I have always struggled to make friends with other women. I'm suspicious of anyone who can't keep a confidence, or I suspect won't be loyal. I do not push myself forward or try to deepen my connection beyond being aquatinted. The fact I'm not willing to either talk about other women, or divulge much detail about myself means I'm seen as odd. I've been told so often that I'm odd I assume I must be! Men don't find me odd though and in a crowd I invariably end up talking to men. About......things. men talk "things" not people. This doesn't make my life easier, because women see me as either more odd or some sort of threat.

However I do have some great female friends. Like me they talk about "things" and ideas. Only over time have we shared our more inner thoughts about our relationships and lent on each other. I trust them and know I can rely on them. But it's taken years to build that sort of rapport and trust.

I can't be arsed with superficial sharing of spa days, chats about fashion, or gossip. Knowing that many friendships focus on these things and knowing too that very sadly women do feel insecure, disadvantaged and treated badly doesn't for me excuse the bullying I have seen towards other women.

My advice, be true to yourself, eventually you'll find your people. And don't imagine for one minute that the popular girls are all enjoying deep loyal supportive and honest friendships, they are often not.

I get it. Same type of experiences.
I've got friends (a married couple who came with my partner 23 years ago, so more "inherited" friends). They're lovely.
But that's it.
Part of it is fear of rejection, alot of it is not wanting the commitment that goes with friendship. The dramas etc. I don't want that. I sometimes wish for a mate to go for a film, cafe, cocktail but rarely.
I was bullied at my all girls school, so groups of women make me uncomfortable. It's safer and more comfortable to avoid.
You sound lovely OP and there's some good advice here.

Could you spend this time looking for some local parent and baby groups to go to after you've had the baby. There will be loads of them!
As soon as you're able to post birth, get yourself out there and give it time. Eventually you will meet someone at a group that you get on with and either you or they could suggest meeting to walk the babies in the pram or meet for a coffee and hey presto you're on your way!
It might seem futile at first but keep going to the groups, having a baby is a great opportunity to make friends. Good luck OP!

Ps, this is also a good opportunity to get some counselling if you think it would be helpful. New mums can sometimes be fast tracked for NHS help.

Is it possible that you might be coming across as a bit needy when you do make a new friend and it’s scaring them off?

Making friends as an adult is difficult, perhaps it’d help to hear where other people have met good friends during adulthood so you can explore those avenues?

Personally it’s almost always been related to hobbies and interests for me. Lots of my friends I met through music as I’m really into a specific quite narrow genre with a handful of bands that seem to have a really interconnected fan base. When I go to gigs I always end up chatting to someone else in the crowd and then swap details and the next time the band is playing we meet up before or after for a drink. Similarly I end up chatting to their friends and then to mine and now we have this big group of friends/fans who are primarily friends related to the music but keep in touch at other times on Facebook. There’s always stuff to talk about because of a new album being released or a new tour announced.

I’ve had a lot of luck with volunteer work too, been at the same job for a decade and have made 3/4 really solid close friends and become close to their friends and families and partners too and vice versa.

And if you have a specific passion (for example you’re really into human rights) find a local Facebook group related to that and post asking if anyone fancies a coffee as you’re looking to meet new people. I’ve met an amazing close friend by doing that and her partner too. And this is all on top of the small handful of close friends from school I’ve stayed close with.

You have to put yourself

Out there, if you meet someone who seems cool and you click ask for their number or social media info to get together for a coffee sometime soon. Many times it doesn’t work out but sometimes it does?

Making friends as an adult is tough. You do seem to have a set idea of what a friendship means to you: phoning for a chat, going to a spa, having a bond. I have a tight circle of friends but think the last time I phoned one for a long chat was the 90s! We keep in touch on text, WhatsApp, Instagram, FB.

The bond changes as you get older and busier – people have jobs, partners, life admin, ageing parents, kids, plus you're in London so there's the London commute/weird London factor where everyone's booked up a year ahead. I find I need fewer, better friends now, so unlikely to let someone new in.

Do you have a partner? Do you get on with their friends? If not, it might be that you make great friends in mum & baby groups as suggested, once you have your baby. But I would try to reevaluate what friendship means – once everyone's back at work after maternity leave there's not necessarily the time for long phone calls and one-to-ones and spa breaks. To me that sounds really intense and if a new friend wanted all that from me, I'd pull away.