Lazy husband , child with disability.

[bellarosa81]

Hi all!

Warning - bit long!

Just need some advice as not sure if i’m over reacting/ being precious.

My 4 year old daughter has Autism and we have begun instensive behaviour therapy. This is up to 30 hours a week of training between home and preschool. We were offered it and we said yes without hesitation.

The problem I’m having is getting my husband to take responsibility in his part of the training. I’m at home so I do my part but he has been slacking. I didn’t want to tell him what to do but he asked me to schedule him in daily time so he could follow it.

So I did this but the time didn’t work out, so I changed it to a more suitable time for both my child and my husband. He still hasn’t done it. One or two times he has realised and then does it at a time that suits him. He does work full time btw. He will come home , sit with her while I make dinner and usually play video games . Then forgets to do the training. Do I really need to say to him “ do the training first then you can play video games”?!!!

He is one of those people that needs to be told to do everything. However I am getting very upset that I have to almost force him to do this for his child’s benefit.

We meet every 2 weeks with other healthcare specialists who ask us what we’ve done. I tell them I have done all the training they’ve asked of us. He freely admits that he hasn’t been great with it . He will do it in front of them and everything seems fine - so it’s not that he can’t do it or doesn’t understand.

I just don’t know what to do...on top of him not doing it , also preschool have not been doing it either. For whatever reason .

I feel like I will always do my part because I want to do the best for my child , if I have to do it on my own then so be it but why should I? The stress and pressure of that is immense.

Thoughts?

I honestly don’t know!

My husband and I both agreed to it after her diagnosis. We then approached preschool, who are by no means obligated to say yes .
However they did .
This was in August .
Since then it’s been a stream of excuses and i’m fed up.

I’m really committed to this therapy - the benefits at this age have profound impact on the child .

It’s just killing me seeing a father who can’t be arsed to do what’s best for their child.

From your synopsis of the situation, I’m sorry to ask this, but are you in the thrall of ABA?

There is a genetic component to autism and I wander if your husband is autistic... and therefore doesn’t want to put your daughter through it.

I wonder if the school knows about this therapy and doesn’t agree with the principles of it.

If it is ABA then all it does is teach your child to mask their traits and symptoms for a given time. Your daughter will develop naturally as she grows up. Especially if she is brought up and schooled in an environment that makes her feel loved, comfortable and happy.

There is a lot of evidence that ABA is damaging to children. The “therapy” is intensive and takes up many hours of work for the child and family on a weekly basis.

Research shows that over time it increases children’s anxiety, causes depression and ultimately PTSD.

No parent would put their NT child through this programme to give them a better chance. So why put your ND child through it.

This “therapy” is only available privately. I don’t know a CCG in the NHS that endorses or pays for it. Look at NICE guidelines for what therapies the NHS endorses and advises as best practice.

My fear is that ABA is a big money making business that preys on worries parent’s anxieties, with a promise of making children “normal”.

There are testemants from a lot of autistic people who say that as they grew up they developed, and learned skills and coping strategies naturally.

In an ideal world of course families and society would make the necessary adjustments to help autistic people.

We have come a long way. I think most schools are a lot better now, and workplaces.

I wish you and your family the best.

Hello, I am a mum with two boys with ASD. May I ask the name of this theraphy?

If its the one I am thinking of it makes a heap of promises, uses a heap of time and money and honestly does not make a difference to long term outcomes. Most of the families I have known who have used it have ended up with much older children with even more needs usually MH ones as a direct result and broken relationships. There is not a cure for autism no matter what some of the social media savvy claims may be.

There are an awful lot of time and money consumming notions out there that frankly ruin family life more than living with a kid with autism ever does. I can say that my one son is severely affected by ASD and did not begin to speak till he was 7. My husband worked full-time to support us all, I was the one who did all the caring, hospital appointments and followed the SALT, CDC and CAHMS recommendations. By the end of a day what my kids needed was their dad to be there as well there dad and not yet another therapist forcing them to do things. Kids with ASD deserve downtime to just be who they are too. Remember ASD is a different opporating system. You may want them to run on Windows but they will always runs on UBUNTO no matter how hard you try and force them to re-program to suit you.

Have a look at TEACCH as that is used by my eldest sons ASD special school. Most ASD schools in the UK use it for a reason. It works with a kid instead of trying to force them into being someone they are not. www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies/teacch.aspx PECS and or Widget can help some none verbal children begin to express themselves. SALT and any others such as OT & physio for related is covered by the NHS. Local portage for pre-special needs nursary or reception is worth a look.

I was wondering the name of the therapy as well.

I would also seriously consider applying for an EHCP (education, health and care plan) for your daughter from your Local Authority particularly in relation to her education and time in school going forward.

I'm an ASD mum with a 19yo ASD young adult and I'm also interested in what this therapy is. You know you can't train the autism out of her don't you?

I have a son with autism and am also interested in what this therapy is. Because 30 hours a week 'behaviour training' for a 4 year old sounds awful tbh.

Wait, 30 hours a week? Intensive therapy? Over 4 hours a day "training" a 4yr old?

Doing what, and hoping to achieve what?

Perhaps he doesn't agree with it?

Maybe your DH enjoys playing games with her and enjoying her instead of behaviour training her?

I know a lot of these therapies and respect anyone who decides to try it.

Some people who live the sound of it and find the reality different - perhaps your DH is in this category?

You do really need to ask him. And also respect he'll have his opinions as much as you have yours.

Hi all!

It’s called Intensive behaviour therapy and we do not pay for this .

We are currently doing excercises which encourage her to copy us in the hope that it Will lead to mimicking and then speech.

We don’t do 30 at the moment but the goal is to build up to that about . We probably do 10-15 hours a week .

It isnt concerned With a Cure but rather developing basic skills.

Would also like to add that she is doing brilliantly With the excercises and her development has already been good .She enjoys the training as it’s fun .

Hmm IBT is still a varient of ABA.

Some of its most vocal critics are from people who are in and on the spectrum who have had it as children. It is worth reading the opnions of adults who have ASD's on varous approaches as well.

As long as you and your daughter enjoys it and its NOT disrupting other relationships okay. I still think it would wrong to insist that her dad must also do this after work as that is the quickest way for parent partners to fall out as you both fall into the two exhausted carers trap.

Thirty hours a week is far too much.

Dd had aba from 3 and (we think) it really helped. It's mainstream in the US and was funded by the federal government (unlike normal healthcare!) she's grown and at university now, not bad for a kid who wasn't verbal at 4

That sounds horrific for your child.

Does your DB have to do it?

Does the therapy guidance state who or just a number of hours to cover a programme?

Is there any reason after being at work your DH cannot interact with her using her new taught skills?

ABA was the best thing I ever did for my dd and it was in no way punitive. It gave her the skills to learn and she looked forward to the sessions as they were all about rewarding her and engaging with her. I think your problem might be the 30 hours. The most we did was 20 hours and that meant she also got plenty of time doing other things and also time to watch dvds and just chill. I am also not convinced that someone who has been at work all day will have the enthusiasm and mental energy yo do it. I did some for my dd but you need to put a lot of yourself into it. Our best tutor was a very energetic, positive whirlwind who was able to really focus on dd in the sessions. Maybe you need to rethink your husbands involvement.