What is it about me that attracts these men

[cadburymilkchoc]

So tonight I'm left heartbroken again. This guy we had been seeing each other for a month, he kept saying he didn't know what he wants. Has bad depression very up and down. I was in a relationship with him 5 years ago and was very fond of him. So tonight he says he wants to be friends again. This time I've told him where to go.
But this same pattern keeps happening with men. They always want nothing serious when I do. Why do I attracted these men? Emotionally unavailable ones. I feel stronger than before now though and can talk away easier than I could before but still doesn't stop it hurting like hell. I just want to find a man who likes me just as much as I like him

I empathise with you so much. I've experienced a few emotional vampires over the last few years. Just in the process of no contact with one who broke my heart. It was different for me as my ex was not upfront at all, when I first met him. I had to literally dig out the truth when I noticed his behaviour was not the norm. By that time, I'd fallen for him so it was very hard to walk away. But I have now. I feel your pain.

This book is really useful. I keep going back to it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unavailable-Fallback-Girl-Understanding-Emotionally-ebook/dp/B005WJGPZI/ref=sr11_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550253353&sr=8-1&keywords=mr+unavailable

I've also just started reading this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-ebook/dp/B00PM2HWHK/ref=sr11_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550253700&sr=8-1&keywords=women+who+love+too+much

Within the first few paragraphs I could glaringly see so many mistakes I had made. This gave me the kick up the arse to finally cut contact, last night, once and for all. Very, very hard for me after over 2 years. I'm devastated but also feel an immense sense of relief.

Google Baggage Reclaim, it’s the website of the author, Natalie, who wrote the above book - you will find your people!

Also read “Women Who Love too Much” and “Co-Dependent No More”.

Good luck! It does get better when you do the work.

The assclown men still flock to you but you get good at very quickly going “Thank you, next” and start developing attraction for the good uns!

Stop having sex with men that don't commit.

I think I want to be the one to change them to make them realise I'm the one for them
OP, I think you may have become a 'rescuer' in this last relationship.

Amen to that @Cookmysock1

You know, when someone says they think you’re fabulous but they just... can’t, it feels like you’re SOOOOOOOO close to a solid relationship. Because everyone approves in theory, right? So just a littttttttttle more and, who knows?!

Except that guy has just told you there’s nothing you could do to be better in his eyes, and he’s still meh about you. That dude is so much farther away from being a potential relationship, you could literally proposition the man at the next gas pump and have a better shot. Also- if he already thinks you’re great, there is literally nothing you can do on your end.

I’m mostly typing this out to remind myself.

Also yeah, as mentioned above, jerks go after anyone. Everyone attracts jerks. Weeding them out is the key part.

Hey
New to this but this resonated with me. This happens to me all the time. But I’ve figured it’s my need to fix/help/feel needed by another. So I see the issues is someone else as something I can fix. In reality I have never been able to do that...because only they can. And I break myself in the process. I also excuse shitty behaviour because of what their issues are. I’m the type of person who will always attract others who are needy...it just happens. I need my boundaries up to stop them taking advantage of my natural instincts to be empathic and help and understand. It’s hard. But you have to look at it in the way that you are such a warm welcoming person that men with ‘issues’ trust you to be vulnerable as opposed to seeing them as men who take advantage. You have the power. You have boundaries. Your well being is top priority, not theirs. Xx

Well there s a lot o them about and its luck whether someone who's experienced abuse gets into another one or whether someone who's never been in abuse ends up in one

The experts in the field say there's no stats to prove any theory either way, but either way its not your fault if he's abusive.

It will be extremely helpful to see it for what it is, earlier on, things like the freedom programme online to get really familiar with the tactics of abusers and then you can avoid then and not make excuses for them.

Don't get led up any garden paths of self blame or taking any responsibility for others abuse of you (coda and women who love too much bollox). I've heard men say its because shes 'too nice' well if that's something to be judged badly for what world have we come too!!!

No, absolute crap. Hold your head high, gets your resilience up and educate yourself to spot them early on, you will be adored and treated with respect by a decent bloke who will love your open honesty, and not take advantage, but you will have to search through the shallow and meaningless on your way!