Fiancé in the forces

[Lau00]

Hi

Me and my fiancé have been together for 5 years now (known each other since school), I am still after all this time head over heels in love with him and couldn't imagine my life without him.

That said, he is in the army and away mon-fri every week and then away for months at a time a few times a year. This year he will only be in the UK for 4 out of 12 months. When he is away from me I get so lonely and down. We have been ttc for 2 years now and suffered 2 miscarriages which I have had to deal with alone. I sometimes feel like I will go insane when I haven't seen him and barely spoken to him for long periods of time when trying to manage my emotions as well.

He doesn't particularly like his job anymore, he is always moaning about it. I am so ready for a 'normal' family life and am wondering if it would it be unreasonable of me to suggest he leaves the army and gets a civilian job where we can see each other more often?

We have talked about me moving to where he is based (4 hour drive away), but with him being out of the country for months at a time it would be even worse for me being on my own down there with no friends or family.

I don't want us to separate at all but I'm scared that in a few years we will still be in the same boat and I will be so miserable.

Thanks

Forces Fiancee here, getting married later in the year, will live unaccompanied.

It's really hard being a forces WAG, it IS different to when they are away with other jobs because other jobs don't require you to be in life threatening situations.

If he really doesn't like it - he could get a job outside the forces but he'd have to give a long notice period. Lots do go back in once they have left, also - they don't find the grass as green when they are out.

I would say talk to him about how he feels and see if it's actually a possibility for him to consider leaving, if he really wants to or not. If he doesn't, maybe think about moving to be with him, because then you would see him in the evenings and weekends, and when he IS away on exercise or deployment you would have the other wives/girlfriends on camp to be around and be support, it is good when other people know what you are going through as you often just get 'well you knew what you were getting in to' when you talk to non military people.

Are you on any of the forces WAGs groups on facebook or anything? I am and don't post much but do feel a bit less 'alone' with it all just for reading what other people say.

@Iwouldlikesomecake
Thank you for your reply, it is nice to hear from someone who understands.

We have briefly touched on the subject of him coming out of the army and getting a 'normal' job, but he worries he would have to take a pay cut (in the last year he has had a substantial pay rise and does a new job within the army). I don't care about the extra money, I would much rather us see each other more often but that's not how he thinks. He starts to get defensive and says he needs to make the money so we can buy a bigger house etc but I don't see the point in buying a bigger house when I'm probably going to have to sit in it on my own majority of the time?

I'm not on any forces WAG pages or anything, maybe I will join. I'm not keen on moving to where he is based because like I said he would be away a lot of the time anyway and I have a good job where I am at the moment and with us wanting to start a family I think I would need the support of my family and friends.

Ahhhggghhh so frustrating haha!

My dh was in the army for years when we first got together. He felt the same as your fiancé but was worried about leaving as they seem to have it drilled in them military life is the only life. Have you talked about what he wants to do long term? What career choices he will consider? Have you talked about whether you want children and if so does he want to remain in the army when you have them?

@NeverStopExploring

I think he does worry about what he would do if he came out, I do understand that it would be a big change for him but he would have a year to find a job whilst he worked his resignation. My brother recently left the army and there was loads of support for ex army finding jobs and specific jobs only being advertised for ex army and he actually landed a job earning more money than the army paid him!

We do want children- more than anything and have been ttc for some time. I guess we would just go with the flow and figure out what was best for us when that time comes!

I wouldn’t rely on the support the army offer. My dh got none when he left and a year later they contacted him to offer him support thinking he had just left luckily he got into work very quickly and didn’t need their help but other may not have been so lucky! I feel your frustration as I went through this for years waiting for him to leave! I can only suggest if he wants to leave maybe tick off things like having a cv ready so the day he does go his prepared and just keep having conversations about where you will live if you find out your pregnant and what your long term plans will be as a couple. It’s a tough one but I found talking to some others in similar situations helped (those that didn’t live on base anyway)

My exh did 4 years in the forces. Initially he was away for a year during the week then I moved to be with him. It was good when I had a job but when I got pregnant and went on maternity leave I was incredibly lonely and isolated having no family around. That was the hardest time of my life.

He had transferable skills that he gained during his time in the forces that landed him his current job and it's better paid than his military one was. We are divorced now but we share a DS.

@BitchQueen90

Yeah I don't think moving there would be the right thing for me. I feel lonely enough as it is when I have friends and family around the corner, never mind being stuck in a small town 4 hours away on my own if my fiancé is on exercise or deployment.

He's deployed at the minute so I guess I'll just have to bring up the subject when he gets back and hopefully we can agree on something that suits us both.

It is hard. As I say I'm not going to be moving to be with my OH. But it does make it easier knowing I'm not alone and that there are other people who get it. If you are the sort of person who feels lonely I guess I'd just suggest filling your time up as much as possible so you're not twiddling your thumbs when he isn't there.

I guess it's also maybe worth thinking, are you with him because you love him now or the person he was at school and when you were younger? How could you change your life so that it would be a bit more palatable? Or actually is it a dealbreaker for you if you had a baby and then he was away all the time? If the answer is 'bloody hell no I really can't imagine leaving him' then it's more a case of how can you make things less shit for yourself.

@Iwouldlikesomecake

Oh I would absolutely not leave him, he knows I will grin and bear any situation I have to.

I guess the problem is I just want to be able to spend more time with him.

You're right it's just a case of trying to make missing him less shit! I'm sure we'll come to some sort of agreement in the end, will just have to go with the flow and weigh up our options!