Absolute Nightmare

[HeartacheAndPoetry]

I have NC for this post but I have posted on here numerous times already regarding my 'situation.'

Long story short(ish) My boyfriend of 4 years left me at the start of last year. It was an abusive relationship (in all ways) but I was hook, line and sinker. We had a house together and as far as i was concerned this was it.

Anyway, he left me in an extremely traumatic way 1 year ago. After a few months of no contact we have been talking on and off for the past 9 months. We have met up occasionally, the last time being less than 2 weeks ago. Contact has been sporadic, but I would say we have been in contact a lot more than we have not. It has gone from constant texting and meeting up every couple of days to 2 texts a day and no plans to meet, then back round again.

Now, he has decided he wants nothing to do with me. For him, it is 100% over and done with and he doesn't want me in his life, even as a friendship. This is despite him telling me he loves me a day or so ago.

I KNOW he doesn't care about me, I know I need to let go and move on. I know I cant change him and I cant force him to want to be friends (or be) with me.

But, I am finding it so so so difficult. I dont know how to let go. I feel as though he has led me on the last 9 months and I just feel utterly exhausted.

I dont know what I want here. Maybe tough love? Advice? A kick up the arse?

I dont know how to accept that we wont be a family, we aren't soulmates and ultimately, he is an abusive man. I cant accept that he doesn't want me. I'm terrified that I will never meet someone who I love as much as i love him, or who makes me feel the way he did, once upon a time. I'm also angry. I'm angry at myself, for allowing myself to care about someone so deeply, without conditions, more than myself. I'm angry at him for the way he has treated me in the past but also the way he has messed with my head more recently and for so long. I honestly feel broken.

I just feel sick constantly and I am really struggling. I can feel my mental health declining rapidly. I am usually a strong, capable, confident person. Now, I'm a shell and I'm not sure who I am.

I'm sorry for the rambling post. Any useful reading materials, advice etc is greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

You are better than he is/was/will ever be. You deserve better and you will find someone who is lovely.

I wish someone had said that to me after my last boyfriend dumped me (cheated on me constantly throughout the whole 3 year relationship, told disgusting lies eg his perfectly healthy mother was dying etc... Lied to me, isolated me from my friends) I now have the most amazing boyfriend who treats me well and is lovely. You will have this too, forget about this awful awful person. :)

What you're feeling isn't what I'd call love as such, it's the product of traumatic bonding. It's powerful stuff, but it's created out of pain and control.

What you need to do is choose non-contact, take control and block him everywhere (you don't have dc together, do you?), and start the Freedom Programme. There's an online version, but real life would be best. Maybe start some counselling as well?

Aw OP I'm sorry you are struggling. It's hard to give up what you know even when it doesn't work. You know the answers.
Hopefully someone will have useful advice, I can only say that there are decent men out there, and there is a happy life for you at the end of this tunnel, you have to take one day at a time and keep going

HeartacheAndPoetry it's not really love, IMHO. It's addiction.

Break free, as others say. Do the Freedom programme (through women's aid) and move on.

How could you be a family with such an unreliable man? How can you trust a sore he says?

If you can get some counselling or assertiveness training, go for it. He doesn't really love you, real love is not intoxifixation/addiction, he sounds like he loves himself. And not on a good way.

Be brave, be the woman you want to be. Be free.

Honestly, I felt the same when I left my abusive ex. I knew he was awful to me but I couldn’t help wanting him, needing him, loving him and wishing desperately that it could go back to the good times (which was about 2 months out of the entire 4 years). Once you are properly away from him you will be able to see how bad it was and how you are better off without him, but unless you cut contact that can’t happen.
It feels like love but really it’s a desperate kind of need for you to be able to ‘fix’ the situation. It can’t be fixed - it will always be horrible.

Sore = word!!!

Thank you pickle. Its nice to see that you have come out the other side and now have someone who deserves you.

Thanks category. I will have a deeper look into trauma bonding. I find it a difficult concept, I almost feel I wouldn't be here now if I didn't love him. Also, I feel that just because he is an abusive individual doesn't mean that changes the way I feel or am. That probably makes no sense. In fact, I know it doesn't, I just dont know how to word it. I tried the FP in July but didn't find it useful for a few reasons. I think I will look into the online course though. I had one session of therapy at a similar time but I stupidly stopped going when we got back in contact. That's something I'm definitely going to look back into. Thank you. I cant help myself because I feel unable to block him. I know I need to woman up.

Thanks Nc. I know that there are decent, kind men out there, I'm just gutted I fell for someone unworthy. One day at a time

This seems quite good www.thehotline.org/2018/07/31/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/

Thanks, I'm going to have a read now.

I just feel completely bereft and heartbroken. I dont know how ill ever be okay again.