Partner with ADHD

[lulabaloo]

My partner of 10 years has been diagnosed with ADHD, anybody else had a late diagnosis and what happened. I feel like we are about to split up, he is waiting to be seen for medication. Anyone notice a change in behaviour when they started taking it. I feel like i can't take anymore, we have 3 children together and sometimes think it would be easier if i was by myself.

Me! Well, my boyfriend had a late diagnosis last year, age 40.

I can't say it's a miracle cure, but life has improved. Partly because I'm able to reframe annoyances from "he's fucking lied/broken a promise AGAIN, the wanker" to "oh, he says things in the moment but instantly forgets, because ADHD". Though this does, unfairly, take a lot of extra work on my part – if DP says he'll do something, I now know he won't (but not on purpose), unless in the moment I get him to write it down, and later on remind him. It helps that he acknowledges how much extra mental load I have to take on.

Medication wise, I was so hoping it would be like "lightbulb! All better!" It's more like… a few hours of focus. And even then the focus has to be directed. Like if he takes the meds and embarks on his hobby rather than what we planned to do, it's not worthwhile. Also the initial dosage gave him the right grumpy rage when it wore off each day.

It's not easy. But I do find – as does he – that knowing the reason behind some of the behaviours helps.

Thanks for your reply. What other symptoms did your oh have?
My partner smoked pot when i 1st met him so he was a lot calmer back then, once the children came along he gave it up, which resulted in him becoming worse, plus with the stress of 3 young children.
When he was younger he was always known as the loud kid, still is now and hypo. He can't drink as he just gets worse and always turns into a nightmare 😣.

Me too. DH diagnosed at 34. We've tried the medication route but it didn't go too well. I felt like his personality really changed. He also seemed quite agitated when it wore off in the evenings (he also abused it and took too much repeatedly which didn't help). Things are slightly better now he's off the medication but has accepted it and I suppose we both have a better understanding of how it is affecting him and the relationship. Do not underestimate all the areas ADHD affects him. We struggled mostly with his rejection sensitive dysphoria as this would make him try to please everyone and lie or overcommit. He would also lash out if he felt criticised in even the slightly away about an adhd symptom. He also has a disinterest in sex and we've found some improvement scheduling this. But it does feel like 2 steps forwards 3 steps back sometimes.

What symptoms are you mostly struggling with @lulabaloo?

Often substance abuse is just another coping mechanism.

Symptoms… alcohol abuse, par for the course. To hide/self-medicate the anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Mess. So much mess, everywhere. No short-term memory. Can't get going in the morning at all, needs to be shoved out of bed. Zones out of conversations. Interrupts repeatedly. Poor impulse control. Debt. Hyperfocus on some things; like video games until 1am when he has to be up early. Struggles to do one thing: cooking dinner involves a podcast, Netflix, Googling and wandering off, all at once. (And using every pan in the kitchen, but I think that's a male thing.)

I'm making him sound like a peach! He actually is, and is actively dealing with all this stuff. (OK, not the mess. But we're aiming to corral it in one specific area.)

Other way round here, I’ve got the ADHD. I can’t say finding the results changed much for us.
I don’t want to have medication either because I don’t feel it will be that helpful. The come down of it scares me and I can get by without needing periods of extreme focus.

What has helped is DH knowing I need help in planning and actually helping me with it. Working together has helped massively, although he still has periods where he could throttle me because of my ‘laziness’!

Its the aggressiveness and going off on one if we have a disagreement. He can fly off the handle and then after he has calmed down he comes and apologises. He then forgets but im still upset with what he has said.
He also starts things and goes onto something else( but I've accepted that now).
When I'm in work and he is in charge of the children he has to put his phone in the draw and I've started to write little reminders on a white board for him. That seems to work.
My Oh also lies in bed for hours after I'm asleep so i tend to always get up in the morning with the children.