Miffed about valentines...

[wibblybibbly]

I’m quite upset that DH didn’t acknowledge valentines at all. Our DC made him a card, I got a card and ordered one of those ‘sweet bouquets’ as a jokey gift, and a cup of tea in bed.

We usually do something funny or overly corny (and have a laugh, the kids usually think it’s hilarious) but he just mumbled a ‘sorry I didn’t get anything’ and went off to work. Which was odd, as a week ago he was asking if he should book somewhere for a romantic dinner (now, that’s something we don’t do.)

I’m not one to fret over this stuff, but we’ve had a rough time of it recently last few years relationship wise, no affection, he doesn’t want sex for months at a time, doesn’t want to have family time or days out (and complains the whole time if he joins) announced angrily on Christmas-Eve-just-gone that I hadn’t better give him anything, as he ‘wasn’t bothering with any of that this year.’ So I split up his gifts amongst the other men in the family. We’ve had a few tearful conversations about our relationship, and it’s always my problem and he doesn’t see anything that needs fixing.

We’ve been married nearly twelve years, and it’s as if we’re just roommates now. I’m just a bit fed up of being the very, very, bottom of his list for anything.

Tbh it sounds as if your relationship is in a bad place right now and perhaps he feels that by doing anything for valentines would be a bit pointless as you seem to have issues for the rest of the year.

Is he prepared to talk about your relationship? Go to couples therapy?

No, he's refused therapy. He thinks it's a waste of money for someone to listen to us, 'have a moan.'

If he won't even acknowledge there are problems, then nothing will ever change. Can you live with the way things are OP?

Sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship.
What do you get out of it?
Do you need him?
I'd seriously consider my future based on what you have said here.
He brings nothing.
He's a fun-sucker!

Maybe look at this as a wake-up call. He doesn't want to make any effort in the marriage and appears to have checked out long ago. He seems to have no inclination to improve things.

Is this the life you really want? Are you prepared to put up with more disappointment for decades to come? I know it's easy to say that you should leave the relationship, but honestly, you only live once. If you're not happy and he's not happy, then walk away.

Sounds horrid op, and I'm not one for romantic gestures. But I'd be incredibly hurt by his actions.

From what you have described, he sounds upset about how things are between you, even if he hasn't yet acknowledged it. It can take a while to get someone to agree to couples therapy, maybe try talking about it again (but not when either of you is upset or angry, pick a time when things feel relatively calm)

That's tough OP

DH and I have had a very rough couple of weeks as he is finding our pregnancy a bit of a shock (and I have been a right hormonal cow), but I still came down this morning to a card and flowers.
So despite barely speaking for weeks we'd never not bother ( I also got him card and gift).

If he doesn't want help then I'd still recommend speaking to someone yourself to help clarify for you if this is salvageable or not. It does sound like he has checked out though and that's not easy to reverse.

The last few weeks actually seemed to be better, (still not great, refusal to do kids activities/days out, arguments over affection) but after yesterday, where he shouted me down over something trivial, I'm right back to wondering what's the point in continuing the marriage.
He's a very negative person naturally, and I feel he's just sucked all the life and fun out of me. Our last talk was just after Christmas, he said I was the one who wasn't happy. He was content with everything and saw no problems in our marriage, it's just the way marriage is.

After your last update OP, it doesn’t sound like anything will change.

He doesn’t see a problem and is happy to continue on like this.

You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life with the fun and life being sucked out of you.

I'd really hate that... the refusing the doing family outings thing , or bitching throughout it

Seems like marking V Day would be hollow though with u at such a low point

Sounds a bit like my situation after 23 years - he is like an old .an despite being younger than me. We are separated now and it's been very traumatic but if I'm honest, I should have got out years ago- in fact the signs were there before the wedding but I was completely infatuated! I look back and cannot fathom why I accepted it..

Old man not old an

OP I could have written this myself. We've been married 11 years and my DH sounds very similar to yours. He refuses to acknowledge there's a problem or that he's unhappy when he clearly is. He won't talk about it or go to therapy with me.
He even refused to do anything for our anniversary a few months ago.
I'm finding it hard to accept this is the end of the road when I feel things could improve if we both worked at it.
Sorry that's not very helpful to your situation but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Not sure if it'd work in your case but you've nothing ti lose.
Try being the best you can be with no expectations from hm
Do your own family time.
Be happy.
Be friendly.
Make him drinks / meals / etc
But make no comment or demand anything from hum.
I've seen it happen when the pressures off the 'problem' spouse starts to respond in a positive way.
Just except that calmly.
Rinse and repeat.