Crumbling, was it my fault

[Canthearthroughmyglasses]

I am having such a wobble today.
I left my abusive partner about two weeks ago. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and all my exes have remarried to beautiful women (my ex told me about someone I use to date who got married to a stunner) and have successful lives now. However I am left here skint and feeling so low that perhaps I was just so awful that I made them turn on me? and it was my fault they turned abusive? I asked my ex who said possibly. I have been reading about domestic abuse and know my ex was abusive but did I drive him/ them to it?

Today has just been tough. I am only doing part time hours in a low paid job and although I have been applying for jobs I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I had a really nice well paid job which I left because of my ex. I really feel I am just not liked nor loved and feel very alone.

I am normally not like this. Can anyone relate to this?
To clarify my ex did the bare minimum but boasted about the things he did, he bitches about me now and then to his family and didn’t have many friends. Lied to my face, cheated, and then told me I meant the world to him. He really confused me when going from really loving to hating me in matter of seconds. He would go through my personal things such as email, mobile, diary and social media and unfriebd or unblock people I had on my fb. He would go on any platform I had been on via the internet and question me. Threatened me with a knife after asking me if I made my ex rape me and when I reacted to him and told him we were over for that comment, he got a knife and walked towards me with it telling me to stop telling him to leave. My rapist got away with it, and is now married and successful. I sometimes bump into him and feel dreadful. Maybe I am just such hard work that I make men turn on me. Oh gosh I sound vulgar.

Your worst failing, if you want to call it that is your kind and trusting nature, of course none of it is your fault; unfortunately nasty men like this have a sixth sense about who they can manipulate, and they are bloody well good at it and that's why it takes you a while to realise what the hell is going on.

There are good men out there, you need to help yourself discover them, one thing is to doing a self defence class to build up your self esteem and capability; volunteer, do an evening class, anything to get you out and about and improve your quality of life, doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Married and successful, yeah on the surface but pity that woman being married to a rapist, avoid him like the plague so you don't have to bump into him again.

You are not hard work at all, you've had a hard time but are now over it, a new you and a newer better life awaits you.

Adora, thank you. I am looking into classes and I have joined a gym. I just feel so low over realising this and just want to find success for myself. But I am loosing the little hope I had

Being married to “absolute stunners” does not mean your ex partners have got any nicer. You never really know what goes on in a marriage.
It just means either they’ve got together with women who fight back more or they’re doing the same to those poor women. When you were in an abusive relation, did you tell everyone? I bet you didn't. Domestic abusers rely on their victims’ sense of shame to get away with it.

You were strong enough to get away. Celebrate that, go and dance in the sunshine. . Don’t now doubt yourself. Also remember not everyone is.

You’ll meet someone lovely soon xx

and have successful lives now
On the outside maybe.
No way does an abuser just stop being one.
Feel sorry for these poor stunning women to be in a relationship with abusive men!
YOU cannot make someone abusive.
I've never done valentine so this day means nothing to me anyway.
But for some it's a tough one!
Be kind to yourself!

Of course its not your fault they were abusive you are never responsible for someone else's actions.

The best thing i did when i left my ex was to build my self confidence. Find things that make you proud of being you. Firstly you should be proud to the other side of those relationships and no longer with the men that treated you like that.

Set small achievable goals for things that will me you happy both long and short term.

Stop being so hard on yourself and thinking about the lives they might be living and start creating a happy life for yourself.

my ex told me about someone I use to date who got married to a stunner

Have you verified this independently? You already know he's a skilled liar.

You must stop talking to him OP. He's trying to suck you back in.

I have blocked him. Thank you everyone. It’s a tough day I guess and perhaps I need to start treating me better. Thank you all for the kind words and advise. X

All credit to you for leaving your abuser two weeks ago. Wobbling is normal. The abuse you had is all their responsibility and it is not your fault that this happened to you. You did not drive them to doing this. It was their choice to abuse and such men hate women, all of them. They would have acted abusively to any woman they are in a relationship with. Abuse as well is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people; it is really no respecter of class or creed.

Would urge you to contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme (its for those who have been in abusive relationships). It could help you no end going forward and could also help you with red flags and boundaries.

I would also consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. If your parents showed you an abusive or a poor example of a relationship then it could well be that you have simply repeated this for yourself.

I have been on the freedom program nearly four years ago. I did see all the red flags with my ex, however he kept telling me that I was the problem, before me blocking him he managed to write a last message to with me luck, and then said seriously. He does hate women. He once logged into my pc into his google account and I went on my pc to look at a previous history looking for a link and all I could find scrolling down were really messed up porn videos with animals and very young women. It was only when I looked up on the google icon I realised it was his account where he had forgotten to log himself out. I did confront him about the videos as he had four daughters. He had very little to say about it. On Pinterest he has a folder of very explicit stuff. And he hates his mum. They are all red flags. Every time I spoke with him about how he was making me feel he totally turned it round and I ended up saying sorry.
I am done feeding his ego but know full well he is not done with me so I need to learn to go grey stone. Thank you for the advise, I have an appointment next week with the local woman’s aid and legal advise.

Well done for getting away from that awful man. Its so NOT your fault but perhaps you are too nice and people can see that and take advantage. I’m sure you’ll meet someone in future but take your time to find out that hes worthy of you. Get some self help books theres so many that make for good reading. When my friend and i were single we used to have the mantra “i’m a creature like no other” and so reminded us that we were special and should be treated so.

And never trust a man who doesnt respect his mum !

Unless their mum is awful which does happen!