How to pick a counsellor?

[GaribaldiBah]

Me and DP need relationship counselling. He has admitted he has a temper on him and he overreacts to things. I am too soft/kind and end up being walked all over. I left him recently with the kids and I believe he genuinely wants to change, but I'm unsure how to go about this. I am NOT going back until he has addressed his issues with a counsellor, on his own and as a couple.

He was abused emotionally as a child by his mother and has subsequently had issues with women his whole life. He realises this and is confused due to unresolved issues (it was quite serious abuse. Being called 'little cunt' by his mother as a nickname. That kind of thing).

I don't know how to find a good counsellor. One who will be able to address his and our problems properly without being biased or just completely useless/inexperienced. Part of me thinks that a male counsellor would being better but then again I'm not sure...

Does anyone have any advice?

When I say I left him with the kids, I mean I went with the kids, I didn't leave them with him.

The sex of the therapist shouldn't make a difference (if they're any good). In fact excluding the possibility of a female because he has issues with females would be counterproductive, and suggests an unwillingness to challenge his preconceptions.

It comes across that he needs to work on his past issues individually before you work together on the relationship.

@Bombardier25966 agree with him needing to work on his own issues first, but I would like to see the same counsellor for relationship and for individual counselling (I will go on my own too). I just have no idea how to find a good one.

I’ve PMed you.
IME couples counselling can be a gateway to individual counselling and a good couples counsellor will help you see that.
I also know that gender shouldn’t matter but in my case o think it’s made a difference (for a wide range of reasons). The man we’re seeing isn’t better because he’s a man but given our issues I think DP feels better understood by a man (he already had a lot of women finger angry and blaming him).

I would go for your own counselling, can you afford to go privately maybe fortnightly?
Why are you a wooss, why did you end up with an angry occasional woman hater? There will be reasons , probably hour own childhood. Have you already come to terms with your issues and all of their causes.
You aren't looking for a cure for any problems but the insight to understand them and how best to go forward. I would try to sort yourself first. DH is an adult who needs to sort himself out.

I would contact Relate, I found them very good.

@SheRaa they have an 8 week wait in my area and with a young child involved we just can't wait that long. Otherwise I would definitely have used them.

Look on the BACP website for accrediated therapists and their specialities.

Try marriagecare.org.uk for couple's counselling.

They are based nationwide in the UK.

There's a reason why many therapists don't do couples counselling, particularly in relationships where there are signs of abusive behaviour.

I'd suggest you go into therapy, and let your DP do the same for himself if he wants. Otherwise you are being codependent in your need for him to change.

If you're looking for someone, check out the BACP and UKCP websites.

Look for someone on an accredited register, anyone can call themselves a ‘counsellor’ but if you go for one on an accredited register you know they will have undertaken set training and met certain standards.

www.counsellingdirectory.co.uk

You can filter for couples counsellors so you don't have to wade through hundreds.

Good luck

Counselling directory is a good place to start looking, the vet all of the counsellor's qualifications and whether or not they are a member of an accrediting body before they join.

I would also second relate, you know they are the experts in this area and really in the scheme of things 8 weeks is not a long wait. You need to be in it for the long haul and not expect instant results.