Is this him controlling me?

[BirdieG]

Hi there. I am just trying to get a benchmark of whether my situation is quite normal or whether it is stepping into being controlled. I am quite an independent person and I think my husband struggles with this at times - which is a shame but I'm ok with that. I work from home and had been part time for a few years before both our children were at school so I spend much more time in the house than he does - he is a hoarder and I like things to be have a use and place so this is our usual topic of tension - we try to laugh about it but ultimately it is the thing that annoys us most about one another. I am interested and quite good at decorating, gardening, etc as have grown up helping out my parents who renovated houses multiple times to climb the property ladder in the 80-90's and he has only moved house twice. He struggles with change around the house and we are considering moving house after 12 years - a huge thing to him. Over time I have stopped trying to work in the garden and decorate / buy things for the house as he always gets upset about what I've done and I have now lost interest / enthusiasm. The majority if things around the house are his and whenever we buy furniture etc he always has the final say as is much more choosy than me. When we have placed furniture its always been a massive issue to change the layout or to replace items - such hard work!! Hoping to move house, he has agreed to rent some storage to declutter - persuaded by my point that it would help us stagger the move anyway. With this in mind I figured I had him on board with decluttering a little so I started to sort out he lounge yesterday to see what we could do - after a good clean, relocation of a few ornaments and removal of a few excessive cushions and some photos of the kids (we have numerous about the lounge) the lounge looked spacious and clean and homely. The kids came home and danced for over an hour in the room so pleased they were with the space. His reaction was total shock and upset and he told me I should have asked permission and that I was ruining his home. I was hoping he would be impressed with how lovely the room looked - and I hadn't thrown anything away - all items were just in the front room and there are still photos, candles, ornaments and plants about - just not as many. Everyone got upset. This was obviously a step too far for him - but if I had done what I really wanted to do it would have been much more impacting so I do feel I've taken his feelings into account knowing he struggles with change and is a hoarder. I feel quite frustrated and controlled and very demotivated about the process going forward and feel he needs to get some perspective. I feel like I have to hold back all the time and that I have very little identity in the home- I am sure he would disagree with that though. I would be interested to hear your views xx

Yes. He is. Consider doing this.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/avs.php?search=+&Submit=Submit0

Hoarding is a mental health issue. So it's controlling of course but it's a very complex issue. I suspect you just haven't realised how deep it is for him until now.

There are lots of people here on MN who have lived with Hoarders. They always tell very sad stories. Without intensive professional help, the hoarding gets worse and never ends, and the space the partner ends up being "allowed" to have becomes smaller and smaller. It starts to creep out of the agreed areas and once something hits a floor or a shelf, god forbid it's ever moved. The distress moving it causes the Hoarder is very real and acute. Hence the mental health issue.

Your husband needs counselling about his need to acquire and control "things". Without it I doubt your home will ever be yours.

Marriages have split up over this. And it still doesn't stop the hoarding. They essentially choose things over people.

Marriages have split up over this. And it still doesn't stop the hoarding. They essentially choose things over people
Yes indeed.
It must be extremely hard to live with but it's something I just don't understand.
Is he getting counselling?

If i was you I would maybe take this opportunity to buy separate homes, one for you, where you can actually be yourself and have things how you want them and him, well he can live in a skip as that is what he likes.

Might sound extreme but his behaviour is extreme and his complete lack of consideration shows he is not a person that is willing to share or compromise.

Hoarding is a mental health condition and is tied up with extreme anxiety connected to his things, so reorganisation without him there could be a trigger for extreme anxiety.

That said, the living conditions of you and your kids shouldn't be dictated by his mental illness.

Does he recognise that he has a problem? Does he want to change?

Would he consider getting therapy? I believe that cognitive behavioural therapy is often recommended for hoarding. It sounds like he needs some help in processing his anxiety.

he told me I should have asked permission and that I was ruining his home
Says it all really - he views it as HIS only.
I think it's about time you got angry and say "enough! I'm not putting up with this for the rest of my life"

Why are you even considering buying a new house with him knowing it's just going to be the same old bullshit all over again?
Why can't you put your own, or at least your dc's wellbeing ahead of appeasing this selfish man?
He's crushed your creativity and enthusiasm.....and he's doing it to his dc too.
Yes, he has a Mh condition but he's still selfish and controlling.

He's not going to change.
I would end the marriage and use your share of the assets to buy a place that you and your dc can call your home.