I'm a mess and my life is in chaos

[Overwhelmedandundermined]

That's it, really.
I'm a mess and I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do or how to cope.

2 DCs, divorced husband last year. I'm in my mid 40s. I have ASD. He was one of those incompetent types with ADHD. We sold our house & split assets. We paid school fees upfront up to ages of moving schools. I shouldn't moan: kids got themselves into top schools on scholarships etc. I paid off my debts and was in a good place. But now I'm running out of cash and I'm not making it fast enough. I went to self-employment when I was most unhappy with him. I am managing through therapy but it's making a dent in the cash.

My job. I hate it right now. It's difficult to put myself together for work. I feel like everyone takes advantage of my generosity with my time. I am an expert in my area, but now I am getting bored with it. Have been doing it since university, so about 25 years now. I have a PhD but you wouldn't know. My career didn't progress. I feel stupid. I can't retrain.

Boyfriend. He is lovely but has had a lot of trauma. I worry about him. He's in a good place for now but suffers in terms of a home. He splits his life between 2 places, one is rented out as Air BnB so sometimes we are there and sometimes in other, not-so-nice place, which needs repairs (think dodgy electrics). He eats out and works out of the home and I can't match these costs. He is a lot older and earns far more than me. Luckily he is generous, but I feel quite guilty about it all. I have my DCs every other week so we stay home during those times. He has his DCs, too but they are older and not dependent on him.

My weight. I binge eat to self soothe. I endured abuse at my parents' hands and am now NC. I am concerned that I will never see them again. There is a big extended family and I am invited to all the parties but I shy away. They don't even know about my divorce. Mostly lots of anger in my family; alcoholic and violent dad with ASD.

My drinking. See above. I went sober for a bit but have fallen off the rails. I can't manage my time. I can't cope. I can't sleep. I am awake for hours worrying, and I wake up - in a different place every time because of my split homes with the boyfriend - in a state of misery and self-hatred.

What do I do? I was so happy to divorce my husband. We get on well now, but I feel like I am leading a double life.

How do I find happiness?

Goodness me 8Overwhelmedandundermined*.

That's a lot of things!

OK, I am not an expert and I am not trained BUT I am a big believer in positive thinking.

IMHO I would tackle one area first, and try and get that one area under control.

However, before you even do that I would write a list of things that you are thankful for or happy about.

My negative list would include things like the fact I am overweight and suffer from diabetes, the fact both my kids are quite hard work (one is a teenager on the spectrum who hates school), I could go on.

My positive list would be: I love my kids and want to do the best for them, I want to get healthy so i can be around for them, my husband is kind and I love him, live in a comfortable home in a safe area, although I would love to be paid more and I really do not earn very much I do actually like my job. About 5 years ago I hated my job and wanted to leave. But I had a very strong feeling it was where I was meant to be. And so I stayed. And now I love it.

I go to church and I find that gives me a sense of peace and an additional quality to life.

I really think you need to try and tackle the bits you can manage first, celebrate the victories, join something like AA to help with the drinking and stop feeling guilty is someone is generous with their money and gives you things. You don't need to live beyond your means.

Good luck. Please do count your blessings, home, children, partner, a job. Some people would love these things. BUT you are not wrong to worry about your weight or drinking, or to want life to be better.

lastly, your family sound a bit of a nightmare and in your shoes I would stay well clear. Use your time and finances for yourself, your kids and your partner.

If there are extended family members you do want to see, then make contact with them and meet up. Its easy enough to tell them your marriage ended.

Lastly, your extended family ...

"Its easy enough to tell them your marriage ended." By that I mean you can say just that. You can add you are still friends and co parent, you can say you have a new partner, or you can say nothing.

All best wishes, please do try some positive thinking exercises.

PS Overwhelmedandundermined this article is very short and very good.

goodlifezen.com/counting-your-blessings-5-ways-to-increase-happiness/

I also wanted to say you are still young, about a decade younger than me! And you have a PHd, that's brilliant. you maybe could retrain. If you want to. Or, if you are finding self employed work/life hard you could maybe get a part-time job to supplement your income.

I am a big believer in compensating for things by going in the other direction. By that I mean when my son started moaning about doing simple (very basic) chores I was tempted to back down and stop asking him. Then I realised he would never learn, so I started asking him more often to do really small things. It worked.

When I've had clashes with the kids and conventional wisdom is to be stricter and tougher it's not worked, so I've tried to be more understanding and listen to them and sometimes it has worked.

So with all your issues it feels like you need to sort them all out, but maybe, if you take a step back you will find some of the things could be not so bad. Not everyone likes their job or expects to make it to the top. But if you are giving your work away you are shooting yourself in the foot. Don't do any work for free unless it benefits you. If you are the boss you can make changes to make work better for yourself. But you need to feel you are capable of doing it.

And from what you have said you are very capable, so you could take charge in some of these areas. I have always told myself I cannot help over eating but now, because my health is at risk, I have begun to gain control over my food cravings and am eating more healthily.

I hope it doesn't look like I am trying to silver-lining your problems.

I watched this clip again, and I don't want to try and silver-lining your issues. I just think you can get stuck in negative mind-sets. But of course, airing your issues and expressing them is important. And as someone who has issues with food, and ill health, I certainly know these issues are real and painful.

You should prioritise the need to stop drinking. It will be making everything worse. It costs money, makes you depressed, adds weight, makes you ill and gives you low self worth. Everything you say is wrong now.

You can find other ways to deal with loses, stresses and disappointment. Every dog has their day when they realise they won’t go any further in their career. But life isn’t limited to careers. Find something else to succeed in.

Italiangreyhound - you seem like a lovely person. You've taken quite a bit of time to respond to the OP, and I think your suggestion of looking on the bright side or counting your blessings is sound advice.

OP, I don't have any additional advice to give you, but I think Italiangreyhound has given you quite a lot to think about and should hopefully help to shift your mindset to a more positive one.

Forgot the clip!

LemonTT excellent advice.

Cath3081 what a lovely, kind thing to say. I was worried I would get slated! Sometimes when things seem overwhelming maybe you have to go in the opposite direction to keep yourself sane. Find something to cling onto.