Am I mad I’m still hoping I can get him to change?

[NameyMcNameChange1]

This is going to sound really petty but it’s driving me mad to the point that I’m genuinely considering leaving him over it.

Basically I can’t get dh to communicate with me unless I ask him really precise questions. So for example if I’m changing dc’s nappy and I say ‘can you just grab me a nappy bag?’ he won’t answer. He may not have heard, he may be wandering around looking for one or he may be about to pass me one. But if I ask him again, or say ‘dh did you hear me?’ he’ll get really shitty with me or say I’m talking to him like he’s a child. Or I’ll happen to say ‘oh, we’re running low on bread’ and that also won’t get any reaction whatsoever but then I’ll notice 10 minutes later he’s walked out of the house and gone to the shop to get bread.

Dh claims he doesn’t respond to me because I just constantly think out loud (I don’t think I do at all) and if he responded to everything I said there would never be any quiet at all. It genuinely drives me to tears of frustration. I feel I can’t ask anything. He works away four days a week (usually it varies) and if I speak to him and ask him if he’s coming home on Thursday he’ll say ‘probably, no reason why I shouldn’t be’ or something non-commital but if I ask for more specifics it’s controlling. Is it actually controlling to want to know what day my dh will be home?

I asked dc1 to turn his switch off earlier and he didn’t answer. I asked him again and he shouted at me saying ‘for God’s sake, I’m doing it!’ It’s exactly the reaction dh has whenever I ask him anything twice and I just went ballistic at dc and sent him to his room. It’s not his fault, he’s copying his dad, but it’s not an acceptable way to speak to me.

But I don’t know if I’m nagging. I feel like everything I say is just whinging. But no one listens to me and I just feel so fucking invisible.

I’ve told him so many times how much it upsets me but he always just makes out that I’m a chatterbox and nagging. I just need to him to bloody talk to me. He’s not going to change is he?

Nope. My exh was like this. I'd start a conversation and he'd sit there staring at whatever and completely ignore me. It used to make me rage until I woke up and realised he's an ignorant tit.

What you need to do differently is not live with an arsehole. When you live with someone who's not an arsehole you can use the 11:2 rule. It's not relevant to your current situation.

My H is like this.

It's a whole other thread (up to second thread now in relationships) but with my H it is part of a larger pattern of controlling behaviour and belittling me.

Is this true for your H?

Using your nappy bag example. Have you tried getting his attention first, and then asking your question. Something like this: you're changing the baby, say yeah honey, wait for him to respond, if he responds, then ask, can you hand me the nappy bag? If he never responds to the initial inquiry, I'd say you've got bigger problems to deal with than a H who thinks you a nagging.

Generally when someone tells you you're being controlling, it's them that's controlling.

My ex used to do this: the arsey, non-committal "maybe, maybe not" answers; the blanking/pretending not to hear questions; or taking questions very, very literally – eg "please could you grab me the dustpan?" he'd come back with the dustpan but not the brush (even though that meant going to the effort of separating them). And again, I was told I was naggy/controlling because I didn't want to be met with a blank stare when I asked something.

More than likely, you can't change him. You can decide whether you want to live with it, though. If you feel too wary to ask anything, and that it's affecting your kid, those aren't great signs.

Yeah maybe you could give him a blow job to get his attention and make him a burger as a reward for not ignoring you.

If you're asking someone a direct question not being acknowledged that you've been heard is very rude imo. Even if he just said ok, give me 2 secs etc.

I think sometimes people behave like this out of passive aggression and control.

Do you think he's the type of person to struggle with multitasking or just obnoxious?

burrito handing me a dustpan without the brush is exactly the sort of thing dh would do! It does almost just feel spiteful sometimes.

It's passive-aggression. All day long.

Do you feel loved and respected by him in any way?

Does he do much with his DCs?

He sounds like a massive twat. Spiteful is a good word. Purposely doing shit and making you question yourself to mess with your head.

jamais I don’t think it’s a pattern of behaviour. He just makes it very clear that he’s not interested in anything I say or do. I feel a bit of a tit writing this down tbh.

closet he does struggle with multitasking. I don’t think he means to come off as obnoxious but he often does.

He has a lot of autistic traits and I put a lot of his behaviour down to that. But it doesn’t change how shit it makes me feel or the fact I’ve told him time and again exactly why it makes me upset.

nabboo at the moment I don’t feel loved or respected by him one little bit. He hasn’t shown me any physical affection (other than occasional sex) such as hand holding, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, anything for years.

He will occasionally do something with one child at a time if I tell him exactly what he needs to do, pack the bag, buy the tickets etc. Even then he will bring them back as quickly as he can. If I specifically ask him to look after them both if I go out for an evening (maybe once every couple of months) he will put them in front of the tv/iPad and put them to bed at least an hour before their normal bedtime.

Something important to note about NVQ

It only works when a partner isn't abusive. Otherwise it can become a very effective weapon in an abuser's arsenal.

NVC I mean.

Totally passive aggressive.
So clearly he doesn’t seem to like you much for some reason and can’t really communicate why (he’s an adult, not a growing teen)
So instead he probably feels really pissed off if you ask him something and the only way to show how he’s pissed off is to passively get at you and turn you into the bad guy.

For all it’s worth try and say 8 nice things to him. See if that works.

But I think your problems are much deeper than that.

And I say this because when I started to fucking hate my ex, anything he asked me to do made my blood boil and I would not answer because what I really wanted to say was fuck off I can’t fucking stand you.

I also couldn’t touch him and blanked him as much as I could.

I was completely passive aggressive towards him. I have worked on that a lot! And I hope I wouldn’t end up there again. But I was exactly like him.

He works away four days a week

Thank goodness

With asd it sometimes helps with to give one instruction at a time so it's in steps and often helps to make eye contact.

You often find that their mind is very 'full' and sometimes more requests or instructions causes mental overload which, in turn causes a sort of pixie land glaze over and zone out. I'm not excusing it at all but happens with ASD dc. Very frustrating.

He in turn needs to acknowledge that you find the lack of responsiveness on all levels hurtful.

Both or you are (naturally) reacting to how the other makes you feel. Whats needed is willingness for both parties to understand the others point of view and compromise... as a joint effort.

Joint counselling could help you both, the penny may drop if he hears it from a third party.

This would drive me INSANE, although I agree it does sound somewhat like he is perhaps on the spectrum. Either that or he is genuinely disinterested in you or the family, which I am guessing is not the case.

But leaving such small children unattended when he just buggers off out would be deal breaker for me if it happened on more than one occasion. There is just. no. need. I cannot claim to have perfect communication with my DH, there are issues undoubtedly...but if I asked him a straight bloody question I would expect an answer, an acknowledgement...something. If I said 'we're out of bread', even out loud to myself, he would say 'fine I'll go to the shops, what else do we need whilst I'm there'. That's normal. Not sodding off out unannounced like he needed the slightest excuse to get the hell out of there! I guess I don't have any real advice, but in your position I would be seriously evaluating my relationship.

We’re sat on a plane at the moment. We’re going to have a week away in the sun with the dc. I am going to pretend he’s not here. It’s the only way I can stay sane. If I don’t need to tip toe around him, trying desperately to get him to notice the dc’s or me then I don’t need to feel exasperated and invisible. I’m going to have a really lovely week and my dc are going to be listened to and respected and loved.

The miserable old sod can sit on his own and complain to himself that it’s too hot and enjoy himself reading geology books.

Hope it works out for you.