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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice re work colleague's relationship

10 replies

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/02/2019 17:42

First, I absolutely know this is none of my business and so I probably won't (and shouldn't) say anything, but I'm really worried about a work colleague and his new relationship.

Work colleague, whom I'll call J for the sake of this thread, is lovely but slightly shy and socially a bit awkward. Finds it difficult to make small talk etc. He has been working with us about two years. Shortly after he joined the company (which involved him moving 150 miles from his home town) his long-term girlfriend ended the relationship having started an affair with his best friend. J was devastated, and from what I can gather she was the only "proper" relationship he has ever had. I didn't know him very well at that point but tried to support him as much as I could, partly because he reminds me a lot of one of my sons.

Since then J has confided in me quite a lot, and before anybody thinks I have a romantic interest in him, I certainly don't - I'm old enough to be his mother and feel quite protective/maternal towards him, which is why I'm struggling a bit with what is currently happening. About 4 months ago he plucked up the courage to try online dating, and within a few weeks had met someone he got on with. Which is great. However, she is a bit older than him (he is 29, she is 36) and she has three children aged (I think) 8, 6 and 2. Apparently the 8 and 6 year old have the same father who has them eow, the 2 year old has a different father with whom she has no contact. J is staying with this woman at w/es when obviously the 2 year old is there, and has talked about the fact that the little girl comes into the bedroom and he doesn't know what to do as he's never had any dealings with small children.

Today he told me that his new girlfriend has asked him to take the 8 year old and 6 year old swimming next Saturday as it's a w/e they are with their mum, but the mum wants to take the toddler somewhere else. He was asking me about how independent children that age are and that he's worried he might have to help them with dressing etc, and that they won't be able to swim. I was quite taken aback, he's only known this woman a few weeks. It then transpired that he has also babysat for all three kids whilst his new girlfriend went out with her friends. He seems very keen on her and says he wants to "help her out" when she asks him favours like this, (he's also done some odd jobs for her, putting up shelves and doing gardening sort of stuff) but I think he might be being taken advantage of. I also can't understand why someone would introduce their children to a new boyfriend of only a few weeks standing.

Part of me wants to advise him to run for the hills, the other part of me thinks maybe I'm old fashioned and don't understand modern relationships - I've been married donkeys years, my children are adults now, and maybe this is how it’s done? I can't help thinking though that J is heading for a fall and is so grateful that someone is taking an interest in him that he's not seeing that this is going too fast. Should I say something to him? Or just leave it?

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 13/02/2019 17:48

When I want to give advice or get involved without giving advice or getting involved ( 😊) I usually turn questions back on the person asking them.

"well gosh J it sounds like you're a bit uncomfortable about the idea of taking them swimming why is that?"

"oh well would you feel OK saying you didn't want to do it?"

Etc. Make it all his idea.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 13/02/2019 17:52

Has he asked for your advice on what he should do next (other than if the kids can change themselves at their ages), if so give him the advice you think he needs, if he hasn’t asked you don’t t give it. Simples!!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/02/2019 18:14

No, he hasn't asked for any advice on the relationship itself, he's just aired some worries about the practicalities of being in charge of the children. And I KNOW it's none of my business but I really think he is quite naive/inexperienced and that he is going to get badly hurt.

OP posts:
MumsyJ · 13/02/2019 20:19

Tell dear J to discuss this pressing issue with his new gf, no point him dying in silence.

It's crazy how he's met her children within a matter of weeks. Goodness gracious! Keen or what?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/02/2019 20:25

I think you sound like a lovely friend. I'm quite direct so if he has asked me I'd have said it is in no way appropriate for him to be bringing a 6 and 8yr old swimming or babysitting them. He is leaving himself wide open to all sorts. What kind of mum is she that she'd leave them with a virtual stranger.

As a friend I'd rather say my piece tactfully than see him get screwed over, accused of something or hurt

bigchris · 13/02/2019 21:05

As his friend I'd tell him not to take them , its a ridiculous idea

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/02/2019 21:46

Thanks for the replies. I don't think he's the sort who would say no to anyone, from what I can work out his ex-girlfriend royally screwed him over when they split up (although obviously I've only got his side of the story!) but he never says anything negative about her. He's just a really nice person.

My feeling is that, as he's never been around small children and doesn't seem to know anyone else with kids, he really doesn't realise that it's weird for someone he's only been going out with for a few weeks to ask him to look after them, hence me thinking he's being used for free childcare. He's a really bright guy (PhD, very well read etc) but a bit clueless about relationships and the real world.

I think I might gently point out to him that he probably shouldn't be taking them swimming as it's a lot of responsibility. But then I think that maybe I'm interfering in something which really is none of my business.....

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 13/02/2019 22:58

I’d be very wary if I was him. Can the children swim?
His girlfriend is bloody foolish. I hope she’s not trying to get her ex jealous. Me thinks she’s taking him for a mug. If he never says no she will pile more on him.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/02/2019 13:59

I've just had lunch with him. He's not sure if the children can swim. I suggested that maybe it was not a great idea to take them swimming but he says he's promised his g/f so doesn't feel he can back down now.

I asked if their surname is the same as their mums and if not, does he know their surname and he realised he doesn't so I've said he definitely needs that just in case.

I still.think the whole relationship is a disaster.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 15/02/2019 14:12

J is nearly 30 so a big adult man now OP, I do think you are concerning yourself too much over a new relationship, I bet he is not as naive as you think; ok he is babysitting, he agreed, he offered, he sleeps over I guess so they are in a full on sexual relationship, maybe he feels very involved and that now includes helping her out with her kids.

Personally I wouldn't have a guy I barely know around my kids but a lot of women do, it's not illegal but it's a bit wrong in my book.

He must be pretty thick if he hasn't raised an eyebrow over his new GF asking him to spend time with her kids, yes he has, he has chosen to carry on at her request anyway, you need to remember that.

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