Rape - wwyd?

[Fretful]

I've posted a number of times about my relationship with my husband, sorry for posting again!

In my last post I asked about a possible incident of sexual assault and the overwhelming consensus was that my husband had raped me.

I have accessed my medical records from that time, as I was receiving counselling for some other stuff when it happened. The records note that I mentioned the incident to my counsellor, saying, 'we had sex, I didn't want to, he hurt me and I cried throughout'. This was in 2012.

If your husband raped you, what would you do? I know it's not black and white, and there are a host of other considerations, but I'm desperate for insights right now.

Thank you!

Sorry you are dealing with this but to me it is black and white, I'd leave.

What do you think the other considerations are?

Would you report to the police, babysharkah?

Why isn't it black and white?
I'm assuming you are no longer with him?
I would also advise you to contact Rape Crisis and get some specialist counselling. They can then help you decide what to do next.
You could report it to the police?

I'm still with him, hellsbells

I would definitely leave.
Regarding police - yes I think he should be reported.

Im so sorry you are going through this OP.

For me it IS very black and white - he is a rapist and you really need to leave him.

Please call Rape Crisis and speak to a professional.

I wouldn’t (and haven’t/not DH) go to the police, simply because it’s very unlikely a conviction would happen. I couldn’t go through with all of that stress just for nothing.

I would leave him though.

I would leave and make a decision about reporting later.

What was the counsellor's response when you told her you were raped? (Because there's no misunderstanding for us there in your words, even if you couldn't see it as rape yourself.)

hollow according to the notes, I seemed adamant I hadn't been raped and the counsellor accepted this

My dh raped me a fortnight pp.
I took my wedding rings off, I confronted him the next day. He denied any wrong doing.
I plotted to leave. Took about 18 months but I did.
And you can end it too.

What other evidence do you have? You could try speaking to a rape advice line, they may be able to advise you as to whether you have a case or not.
The process can be very gruelling so be prepared. The police can be very critical and it may feel like they aren't on your side, they may ask difficult and prying questions and it may never get to court. But you are also doing the right thing, and even if he is cautioned it will be on his permanent record and other women can find it through Clare's law/Sarah's law.

That counsellor needs to be struck off. I would try to do something about that. It's known that women who've been raped will often deny that's what's happened because the enormity of it is so terrifying. She should have known that.

Is he abusive in other ways too?
If so then I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about all of it.
They can help you with an exit plan as well.

hollow I think I was waiting for her reaction, and the reason I suppressed it so long was because she didn't say she thought it was rape.

Hellsbells yes he is, and social services have been involved because of anger issues and grabbing the children.

Angela I have unfortunately been through the process before, in Scotland as a teenager. I wouldn't relish it again but feel deep down it would be the right thing to do, especially with three young daughters

@Fretful

I hear you! I would always have to report it too because it's the right thing to do and could hopefully protect somebody else. Because it is my legal/civil and moral duty. But I also have very little faith in the system. The way I see it, though, it's important we do the right thing even if justice is not served. But I'm also aware that I do so in the hope it would help someone more vulnerable than me who might not be brave enough because I know it's shit. Obviously I don't know how brave you are or how vulnerable you are, so I wouldn't want to sugar coat shit for someone who might not be strong enough for the process. I wish someone had warned me. Especially that I might make the right steps but not end up having any justice.

I left. It took me a few years after the event to stop minimizing it but once I did I left.

I would 100% leave him because yes, it is rape.

As for the psychologists notes, if u also told her that u didn't want it and cried throughout I think its pretty obvious to them that when you told her it wasn't rape, you were in denial. As many would be. It is common to downplay the significance of these events in order to be able to live with what happened (especially if still living with the person). So I wouldn't worry about her notes working against u.

If it were me I would kick him out. I don't know that i would report it. But either way...I would tell him that I had given a statement to the police and that if he ever came near me (or the kids) again/didn't agree to a divorce, I'd move forward with a prosecution (Even if u didn't succeed, he would be branded a rapist by those who knew him and that alone should be enough to keep him away).

But for now I would just concentrate on getting myself away from this horrible man.

My advice would be to leave him. And contact rape crisis for support (they offer specialised counselling).

My ex partner raped me, several times. And coerced sex at other times. And sulked and was generally awful if I didn’t sleep with him. Among other undesirable behaviours. It took me a long time to accept that it was happening to me and longer to do something about it.

Telling someone (in my case a good friend) was the first step in me seeing that things definitely had to change. Tbh, I had told him what he’d done before this and he’d outright refused to believe it (but I am certain that he did rape me). He has an incredible capacity for cognitive dissonance and denial. It took a while after that to tell anyone else. But there was something about telling someone and having them believe me that really helped me to see that I could not continue in that relationship.

It still took a while to leave, partly because he accused me of being abusive and manipulative for saying I’d never trust him or tell him anything and I thought we should split up. So I waited for him to realise it was over. Partly this was because it’s hard to see a situation clearly when you’re so used to being gaslighted, so I had to some extent believed him that it must be me being manipulative. But it wasn’t. And partly it was because he’d be more reasonable about residency for DS etc if he thought it was his idea.

So I understand that it is hard to simply throw him out. As social services are involved, I’d suggest that you could tell your children’s social worker what he’s done. Or your health visitor. Both can help you to leave/make him leave if you need support.

As for reporting it to the police, I never did or would. I (personally) couldn’t cope with the whole process and the likelihood of proving it is so low I’d be putting myself through it all for nothing. But you need to decide for yourself if you think it would be the right course of action for you. Rape crisis can help you make that decision too.

Thank you to everyone who has shared experiences, though I'm sorry, too.

It's hit me hard today, because it's been suppressed for so long, but seeing it on paper has brought it home. I've been raped before and don't really want to say too much on that as it was high profile at the time and might be outing. I don't even know if this would get as far as court, and have I got the mental energy? Ugh.

You can leave him without reporting it, OP. The leaving is probably much more important than reporting it.

The thing I’ve found is that no longer being with my ex made an enormous difference to how I felt about everything. And living in my own space (with the kids) has been enormously freeing. Your life can be much better than it currently is.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. It’s shit.