Hi All,
This is the first time posting about something like this but I feel totally desperate and do not know what to do. Sorry for the long post!!!
Our daughter was born on DEC18 (our first and only baby). What a joy our daughter is and I am so proud of my wife . Up until the birth, everything was going so smoothly - we were prepared, perhaps over prepared….(we upgraded from a 1 bet flat to a 3 bed house; nursery complete, thousands of nappies bought, hundreds of new outfits etc etc) and overall, we were excited to welcome our little girl into the world.
My wife is such a kind and considerate person and as far as I was aware, we had a healthy marriage. Of course there are things in every marriage which is not perfect and requires work. We would often make time to work on the things in life that we were struggling with to continue to build and make our marriage even more successful and happy.
My wife is a planner and would freely admit that she has OCD's around cleanliness and likes to be in control of situations. She starts to get anxious and down when things are out of her control. She can't come to bed at night until the house is up to her standards of cleanliness. I always offer to help her out and sometimes just clean anyway - nonetheless, she always goes back round after me to do it all again. I have learnt to love her through this.
Due to the baby stopping growing, the doctors decided to induce my wife to prevent any further anxieties and well just because she was ready to come out! My wife did in fact plan on having a water birth and wanted no drugs whatsoever. However, I don’t think anything can really prepare you for giving birth. I now have a deeper respect for women having witnessed this first hand. In the end, she ended up having her waters broken for her, gas and air, pain relief medication, an epidural, vontousse & forceps. A totally traumatic experience for sure! My wife felt like a complete failure which of course I told her that she wasn’t repeatedly.
Then onto breast feeding! She found this process extremely difficult. As the little one was playing catch up (due to being small), the demand for milk was extremely high. So my wife would feed the baby, followed by expressing milk (and due to her OCD's) take the opportunity to clean something in the house…then that cycle would repeat throughout the day so she would take no time for rest despite attempts to try and persuade her to. This cycle was taking its toll on my wife's health so I did suggest moving onto formular milk - she did not like this idea. Eventually after a month had passed, she decided to switch to formular (which was a decision she made for herself, alongside her mother). This was the best decision as it meant I could help more with feeds and free up her time to deal with her OCD's and cleanliness. As a couple of weeks went by, she again felt like she had failed our daughter. Of course again I had been continually telling her what a great job she was doing and what a fantastic mother she was. Ultimately, that’s the way she feels and no matter how much I or someone else tells her that’s not the case, she has to feel that for herself.
Fast forward to my daughter being 8 weeks old. Myself and my wife had been arguing more than what we usually would do. Every marriage/relationship has their ongoing issues which they work through together. For example, I have some insecurities about being 'accepted' by other people. This would often cause my wife to feel upset and then we may argue about it. However, post the birth of our daughter, these arguments seemed to just escalate and we just simply couldn’t find ways forward. This would leave things unresolved and we would therefore argue again and again.
Throughout our relationship, we have agreed that we would not speak to our parents about any arguments that we were having within the relationship. This was because we didn’t want it to warp our in-laws opinions of us individually. Nonetheless, my wife decided that she would involve her mum in our argument so would often call her to discuss everything. This didn’t sit well with me as we had agreed not to do this. So round the mountain we go again and we argue about this! (As a caveat - I completely understand the need for my wife to speak with someone. I have never stopped her from doing that).
It was a Sunday evening. We get a knock at the door, it's my parents and my wife parents coming over for 'a chat' and wanting to help us through the situation. Whilst their intentions were good, This did not sit well with me as I found it that they were interfering in our marriage. As we began talking, my mother in law starts hurling all kinds of abuse at me and attacking me stating I am being controlling, not allow her to talk to anyone and telling me that I need to see a counsellor and that im being abusive…plus on top of that threatening to call the police and social services….WOAHHHHHHH hold your horses there. There is no way in which she needs to do that. Everyone in the room is shocked at all this crap that is coming out of my mother in laws mouth…plus it was getting my back up and making the situation worse. I of course defended myself. My mother in law has never accepted me so pounced at the chance to attack me when she could. During this conversation, she takes my wife out of the room to talk with her. They come back after a short while and my mother in law says that my wife is going home with her. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!! I tried to talk my wife out of it but she had already been manipulated by her mother to go with her. My mother in law is over religious so scared my wife into believe that the house was demon possessed so it was best she went home with her. Goooooodness me!
Now that she has been gone, I can totally see how much she has been struggling over the course of the last couple of months. I guess when you are in it, you cant always see the bigger picture of what was going on. If I had, I would have been even more supportive, put my thoughts and opinions to the side etc. I am cross with myself that I didn’t see this coming and didn’t do anything about it earlier.
Thankfully I am being allowed to see my daughter each day. Albeit for half an hour to an hour and at my mother in laws house. This really isn't enough time and I'm in an uncomfortable environment. My wife doesn’t want to go out anywhere with me and its almost like she has checked out of the relationship. I feel my wife is being poisoned by my mother in law. Its been 10 days since she has been away. Most of the days that I have gone to visit, I have been really upbeat and not mentioned coming home. Telling her to take as much time as she needs etc. On a few of the days, I have simply broken down whislt with them both as I simply miss them. I hate seeing my wife so depressed pretty much staring and not really having the ability to concentrate or communicate. Plus I am concerned about my daughter. My wife isnt even sleeping in the same room as my daughter at the moment and my mother in law is tending to her at night time. This makes me sad as I do have the mental capacity to that. I have built a bond with my daughter and I cant have the bond all the time they are away.
My wife has said she loves me, but all her emotions are frozen at the moment. So she is coming across as though she doesn’t love me. That is HARD!! I do all I can for my wife, I provide for her, love her, buy her nice things, always put her needs above mine, give in etc etc… at this time, I just feel like anything I do is wrong.
My wife is refusing to seek medical attention and states that this is not post natal depression but is a mixture of things coming to the surface since she has stopped working. Whether that’s to do with her upbringing, our marriage, her career etc etc.
I know I need to show consistency of being upbeat and patient. It's all so very hard through. I have been taking a present each day of visiting (her favourite meal, flowers, chocolate etc)…. I havent been over texting or anything like that either. I know I need to keep in my mind and remember that this is not my wife speaking this is the illness of depression. The ultimate goal is to have my wife back to full health and for us to work on our marriage and bring our daughter up in the best way possible.
I really don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to go behind my wife's back and call the health advisor and GP. How can I support her but also take care of my own mental health here? I want to anything and am willing to fight for this!
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!!!!!!!!! :(
Amy I being unreasonable?
Thanks so much for any advice or support.