I feel trapped and like I've wasted my life

[Sherbety]

I have this beautiful newborn baby who I love so much but I don't feel happy, I remember feeling like everything was finally perfect when my oldest was born. 10 years down the line I have my 5th child and I have them more than anything but that's all I have to show for myself. That and a broken marriage that I've brought another child into. I don't know how to fix it or leave, I want to do something for my sake and my DC but also feel like by leaving my husband, their dad, I would be hurting them. He's barely looked at our newborn son that he really bloody wanted when we were trying for another. It's this circle I'm stuck in, one moment he's the best husband I could ask for and the next he only cares about himself

Bump

Any chance you can go back to work? Parents need a life outside the kids even if it is through work.
I, also, feel you need to talk to someone in real life.
Does your husband pull his weight?

Have you talked things through with your HV? You sound so fed up - it might help to talk it through with someone. Make that you're all right, first. Then you can have a proper think about the future of your relationship, if necessary with the assistance of a counsellor for yourself, and then perhaps a solicitor.

Sounds like there’s two issues here:

1. you feel you have no identity outside of being just a mum. Who did you used to be before kids? What made you happy? What interests did you have, or skills? What were you passionate about? Can you try and get some of that back into your life? It’s so sad when women go from being fully dimensional people to losing their identity and shrinking down into being nothing but a mum. It’s common though and I’m not surprised you feel that way with five children!

2. you’re unhappy in your marriage. Are you hopeful it can improve? Or do you know it’s done? Do you have time for couples therapy? Does your husband feel the same as you? Have you told him your honest feelings?

I don't have many people I can talk to in real life and those I could talk to I'm worried won't understand. One thing I've always wanted to do is travel, see different parts of the world, but my husband has never wanted to, we got married at 19 and a few years later had our first child so i never got round to it. He never wants to go on holiday now, says kids would just complain the whole time. I think because we were so young when we got married and we rushed into it I didn't realise what he was really like or how different we are. We can't agree on anything. He's in denial that there's anything wrong with our relationship and unwilling to sort it out despite how much I've tried

I never really enjoyed the job I had before having kids but I wish I had looked into different careers more, maybe gone to university. Many of my friends from school have become really successful, i feel like such a failure compared to them

Depends how you attach value. Happy kids and a nice family isn't being a failure.
I have only one Ds and felt lost on mat leave. Back at work now and feel more myself than I did but also a mom.
Could you do something one week for just you eg leave baby with DH and join an evening class/hobby?

First thing - you are still really young! You will still have time for an interesting job and travel when your youngest is a bit older. Don't feel trapped as this isn't for ever.

try to enjoy your baby while he is little. If this is difficult speak to your hv or gp as you may have pnd. Try to get out with him to groups when you are up to it.

Don't have any more. Get some reliable contraception (I won't suggest DH gets the ship because of the below)

When you feel a bit more uyourself ourself have a serious talk with your H. If you think he is also committed to making things work consider counselling if you want to. If not you can start divorce proceedings. Nothing to stop you doing that

When youngest is at school getting some work will be easier and you can work up to a job you really like as you are still young!

Don’t discount world travel in a few short years. It’s very normal now to travel alone, or with a friend rather than a husband. It really is. You shouldn’t be held back, and he needn’t be dragged along. Just plan, save and go. It would probably do your tribe good to fend for themselves a bit!

What do you want to change right now op?

Could you start to future plan now? Even though you can't make many immediate changes with a newborn, just being proactive and making plans for the future - even if they're just while you're sitting on the sofa with a notebook and feel like pipe dreams at the moment.

Look at doing a degree through the Open University. Look at doing an A Level at college one evening a week - just to get yourself back into the swing of things and so you have the confidence of recent learning.

I went to university when my first was a toddler and came out with a first. I did a diploma through the OU when I was on maternity leave with my second to 'keep me busy' and started my Masters when she was 1. So it is possible.

You can do it part time and take 6 years to do your degree.

That would give you time to work out what career you wanted to do at the end of it and your youngest would be well into full time school when you graduated.

I'm a single parent and did most of the above as a single parent so it should be manageable with a husband - they are his children too, after all!

The first thing I did, was create a 'mind map' and a pen portrait of Me - who I was; who I had been before children and who I wanted to be in the future. And I used this to be more 'mindful' about who I was and how I lived my life.

I colour coded it and organised things into:

What can be acheived immediately with little effort (short term goals) - e.g. a bit of self care - maintaining my nails again; spending time in nature again.

Things that would take a bit of planning (medium term goals) - e.g. losing 2 stones; taking up swimming again.

Things that would be longer term goals that required something else to be achieved first (long term goals) - e.g. changing career; saving to completely overhaul my wardrobe once the weight was lost.

I found that once I started to view myself as Me again and not just "ex wife"; "mother" etc, things really started to fall into place. I gained in confidence and ended up doing things for myself that I'd previously only dreamt of - I now play bass in a band and gig most weekends now that my children are old enough to be left for an evening.

You are so young and this is your life. You have 5 amazing children. You have as much right to live it to the full as anyone else.