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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Financially dependent, not in love

6 replies

LilyWhite2 · 13/02/2019 09:48

Hello, I've been with my dh for a very long time and we have one ds who's a toddler.

As title says really I'm heavily financially dependent on him, discussed getting a job but that would essentially pay for child care and I'd get zero in or enough to save to leave.

Things haven't been right for a while, I feel miserable, were either arguing or passive aggressively hating each other. I think we at this point are coexisting for the sake of it, for the sake of ds.

There's no relationship anymore, in the sense we do things together, have things in common (he sits playing games on his pc until 1am, or leaves me on my own in a different room) or sexually. I don't feel like I use to feel for him and at this point I don't want to actually try get back to that anymore.

He's been told how I feel and it usually ends in a "divorce me then" argument. I don't know what to do anymore, it's been so many months feeling like this. It's everything, I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore or emotionally and I do feel terrible but I can't help how I feel.

On top of this he says if I go he will take my ds, which I'm not sure how he intends to do this as he works but he's blackmailing me with my postnatal depression I had when ds was born (saying I'm unstable, using things against me).

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/02/2019 10:05

No-one will pay any attention to what he says about you being unstable due to PND. Thousands of women suffer from it and recover so don't listen to that bollox.
Don't listen to him about taking your DS either.
It's all just manipulations and threats to keep you in line.
Do you have any family for support?
I would suggest speaking to Citizens Advice to see what you would be entitled to.
You would get benefits and maintenance from your 'D'H.
Rights of Women may be able to help as well.
What is the housing situation?
Is it mortgaged or rented?

LittleMissEngineer · 13/02/2019 15:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2019 15:57

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What hellsbells wrote here; do take heed.

You and he need to be apart; you are being abused by him and its no relationship example to be showing your son. You cannot stay with his father merely because of your son here. He cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships as he grows up.

Men like you describe often use custody arguments and PND against their target simply to keep their target in this case you in line. He knows how to hurt you and hurt you he will by saying such nonsense. He does not care about his DS either if the true be told also because he is abusing you as the child's mother. Pay no heed to his rantings and seek your own legal advice asap with a view to ending your marriage. Its pretty much over in any case.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2019 15:59

I also doubt very much he will at all support you in any and all attempts to get a job. This is also part of their overall control too. Do not remain trapped, coerced and controlled within this marriage.

Singlenotsingle · 13/02/2019 16:06

If he says "divorce me then", presumably that's what he wants you to do. In this sort of scenario, where both parties actually want a divorce, no one wants to be seen as the "bad guy" ie the one who breaks up the happy home.

Go and see a solicitor and get some legal advice. Have you got grounds for a divorce? Probably.

It looks as though you are actually married to the man, and therefore would be entitled to a share of the house (if it's owned), and maintenance for the ds and maybe even for yourself for a short while.
As far as the ds is concerned, most men seem to shout this nonsense about getting residence, but when push comes to shove, they don't actually want the day to day care of a small child. (hard work, boring). Usually it's just huffing and puffing.

Quartz2208 · 13/02/2019 16:11

post natal depression is not grounds for taking someone child away.

A friend at the moment is going through an acrimonious divorce and her mental health issues are not in play at all.

At WORST it would be 50/50 and that would enable you to work as he would be responsible for childcare for his part of the time

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