Playing the victim

[everythingbackbutyou]

I am in a long term abusive relationship and have 3 dc's - I have only recently accepted that this is the case and know that I need to leave for the sake of my kids. It has always been the case that whenever my h senses I am reaching the end of my rope e.g. by standing up to him verbally or by becoming distant (you know, because of having all the warm and fuzzy feelings squashed out of me by being treated like crap so much of the time...), he puts on a big show of being really sad, tearing up and saying things like " I feel like I've lost my best friend" or "I don't like arguing" which comes across to me as code for "I am seeing consequences of my behaviour and I don't like it". Has anyone else in a similar situation had this happen from their abuser?

Had this frase said to me on a regular basis. And other similar behaviours, when I realised how messed up he really was it took me just under a week to decide to leave him but I have left him many times before, however I read about the hoovering tactic and it was eye opening. Never again will I go back

@canthearthroughmyglasses, What made you finally realise the 'I have nobody else' routine was all part of the act ? It is one of the reasons I haven't left yet, the lingering thought that he doesn't know he is being abusive. Why can't I get my head around the notion that the controlling tantrum throwing disrespectful behaviour is the real him and the guy at the beginning of the relationship was the act? His family think the sun shines out his ass, I think they would be in total denial or trauma if they knew the truth.

I feel like such an idiot to be in this situation. I grew up in a household dominated by a mum who (it has been suggested to me by a therapist and I also came to the same conclusion)may well be bpd. I couldn't stand all the walking on eggshells we all had to do growing up, and dh knows this, yet here I am again.

Join the club. My xh was my mother, or the dynamic we had where I strived to win her approval and never quite got it was an identical one.

I think with this manipulative ''I feel like I've lost my best friend'' stuff the best way to deal with it is to agree with him. ''You are losing me''.