Unsure about future / moved in together

[Chrissyistired]

Hi. This is my first post. Not sure about what to do, so need some advice!
Separated from abusive exH for 5 years. Single for two years. Have been with boyfriend for 3 years...
My mum died in July 2018 and since then, boyfriend has more or less moved in. I always said I didn’t want to live with anybody (I have three kids 50% of the time with me and my exH).
The BF is here every night. My bills are £1250 (including mortgage that I’m overpaying) and he gives me £250.
He pays me via bank transfer into my current account. A work colleague reckons I need cash in hand and I should also get him to pay more. I don’t want to split in the future and have to owe him anything.

We get on, he adores me and the kids. He used to live with his parents since his divorce 6 years ago.
I just feel that this is my home, and I’ve worked so hard to be independent but im not feeling very strong emotionally at the min. I feel a bit overwhelmed with work and overtime.
My question is... his take home pay is £1500 a month. Mine is £2000.
What’s reasonable for him to pay, what’s the best way to pay it (should it be “no paper trail” like a friend suggested?)
Or should I rethink it all and be independent again.
He is the first man who I trust and he would do anything for me. He loves me to bits. I do love him, but feel like my emotions are a bit dulled since loosing my lovely Mum. I think my doubts about things come from the fact that he didn’t have his own place when we met, that I’ve paid a mortgage for 20 years and I want my house to be for my kids when I die.

I don’t even know why I’m putting this all on here.
I don’t really have anybody else to talk to about it. My Dad is super lonely and I cant burden him with this.

Anybody?

Is £250 including all his food as well?

I don’t persobally think that’s enough of so.

Only you can decide if you want a future together.

How many other out goings does he have, how many nights does he go home? The no paper trail is pointless really as if he’s taking cash out every month on the same days he can still ‘prove’ he’s giving you money. Although if you have in writing he’s giving you ‘rent’ rather than him owning some at the end etc, you could try that? If not, I’d suggest if his outgoings are basics like phone bill etc that he maybe pays £400/500ish, if you’re wanting to keep it as all yours you can’t expect him to pay too much?

I’ve just worked out that if you divide your outgoings between 2.5 ( yourself and your 3 children 50 % of the time) it comes to £500 per person (l think). The important thing is how much do you overpay your mortgage?

Your bf pays in £250. I think he should allow payment that is equal to £500 minus the mortgage overpayment.

Does this make sense?😬I’m crap at Maths!

What is it that you are missing? Space? Independence? Emotional/practical support/financial contribution?

I can’t work it out. Really think about what you are in need of.

for you, sorry for the loss of your lovely mum.

Give him a tenancy agreement? Not romantic but means he has no claim on the house. It does mean that you would be eligible to pay tax on the bit above the tax free lodger level...

Then a third of all bills including food?

How did you calculate the £250? Is he not paying more as he feels he would be paying for your children?

For me I'd expect at good £400 - £500 a month.

He is freeloading.
And you want some space. Tell him you don't want him to spend every night with you.
Do not lose your financial independence and ensure by legal agreement that he has no claim to your house. See a solicitor for advice.

when you say 'more or less moved in' did he ask you first? if not that is a big red flag and not respecting your space, boundaries.

Tell him you don't want him to have moved in with you - ie you don't want him there every night.

He can still stay over sometimes and then you get the best of both worlds.

I think with regard to the maths, you shouldn't be worse off with him there so work it out bearing that in mind. And I hope he is paying for all his food!