Constant messaging

[penelopedozen]

So my DH needed some help with something from a woman he doesn't know that well, but has been a little flirtatious with him in the past/suggested she finds him attractive, but nothing serious! He has met her a couple of times, she is a friend of friends of ours but he messaged her due to needing advice on something she does in her work.

So basically she was very helpful to DH and gave him lots of advice. My problem is that now they are messaging all the time. He no longer needs advice from her, but they seem to have struck up a friendship through this and now are messaging every day. For example, over the weekend while we were quite busy, he was on his phone a lot and always texting her. I did ask him about it and he said it's just chat because of something she was doing at the weekend - but I don't know whether this is normal/acceptable or I should be saying please can you stop messaging her !

I totally trust him in terms of I know he would never cheat. He also will never really see this woman, unless he bumps into her with our other friends, but this is part of the reason why I find it weird they are texting so much. What do you guys think?

I'm sorry to say this is how emotional affairs start. He may not think of cheating now but as the connection grows he most likely will. Is your gut telling you to be worried?

Nope not ok

Not on. I would be having a serious word.

Nope I wouldn't be happy with this. I'd be asking him if he would be OK if the shoe was on the other foot. How would he feel about you messaging another man this much and at times when you are busy doing things with him? It's one thing to form a friendship with someone but this amount of time and effort is beyond what a friendship entails, especially if its encroaching on your time together as a couple.

If it's distracting him from day to day stuff such as you describe at the weekend then he's in too deep.

You might have to spell it out to him.

He's well and truly on the slippery slope towards an emotional affair. Nip it OP, and nip it fast.

It depends. My DH and I are quite happy to have friends - and we don’t care if they are male or female. The friendship in your example doesn’t sound like the issue; it’s the amount of time he’s texting.
Have you tried chatting and explaining how it makes you feel? That’s what I’d do. Then you’ll have a better view. Otherwise you could worry without any real cause...

Have a serious word with him asap. Like, right now.....

I wouldn't be happy about this. Speak to him clearly anoit it without accusing him.

Nope. Make it stop. She's on the pull, he's flattered, point this out to him and ask him to stop unintentionally leading her on.

Nah like others have said this is where the slippery slope starts. I wouldn't be happy with constant messaging at all. He sees her at work, no need to be in contact all over the weekend aswell when he should be focusing on his family and wife !!

@kittykat93 they don't work together, he was messaging about something that she does for work that he needed advice on.

Thanks everyone, maybe I will speak to him, I just don't want to be one of those controlling wives!

This is how my relationship with DP started. I didn't know him very well but I messaged him (innocently) seeking advice about a city he'd once lived in, and it escalated from there. He wasn't married/cohabiting and neither was I, so no harm done, but the principle is the same - messaging that becomes intense is no longer innocent. Nip it in the bud OP.

Don’t underreact. Don’t play the cool wife.

The constant messaging says that this woman is on his mind all the time —even when he is with you.

An Emotional Affair occurs when a person channels emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than his/her partner.

It is totally inappropriate for a married man to be acting like a single man.

@penelopedozen you're not being a "controlling wife" to point out to your husband that you aren't comfortable with the amount of time and energy he is putting into connecting and communicating with another woman. Like PP's have said, this is the start of the slippery slope and there is potential for this to turn from being 'friends' to being an emotional affair.
Don't go at your DH with accusations, just tell him calmly that you aren't happy about it and why. If he's a decent person and husband he will get it and stop immediately. If he defends the amount of time he is spending messaging this woman, turns it around on you and makes out that you're being jealous, sensitive or controlling then you could have something to worry about.

I wouldn't like it

@Penelope, as @LargeGlassOfWhiteWine said, please don’t allow him to deflect any blame to you. You are not being silly, insecure, unreasonable, or controlling by asking him to stop the texting.

You are uncomfortable with this and have every right to be. He should stop out of respect for you. If he refuses to stop, defends himself, or deflects to make you shut up and back away, he will be prioritizing her.

He is getting an ego-boost from her and vice versa. Emotional intimacy is likely developing. They’ve met twice and they can meet again.

That's how an emotional affair starts, and right under your nose

There’s a line between being a controlling wife and a pushover. She’s already flirted and said he’s attractive. She is eating into your time with him. If he needs advice he can google instead.

It's not ok