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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Long distance relationship

7 replies

ajones7868 · 12/02/2019 19:43

Hi, I'm looking for advice and different opinions really. I have been in a LDR for about 2 years. We only live about 1 hour 10 minutes apart. Partner used to live near me but moved away 5 years ago with his ex wife and children and then they split up and we later got together. He's been separated/now divorced for about 4 years. However, I have two children aged 15 and 16 and he has 2 aged 10 and 8. We obviously miss each other when we're not together but see each other at the weekends and both have busy jobs in the week. He wants me to move up to his when my eldest is 18 which is years away. However, he has no friends up there, I really don't like the town he lives in and all his friends still live down here. It's literally just him and his job up there. He could get another job anywhere. He has his children every other weekend from Saturday to Sunday 5pm and one night in the week from 4 to 6.30pm and half the holidays. I have my children 9 nights out of 14 and half to more than half of the holidays. Also, I have my own house with hardly any mortgage and he is renting. He never picks up the children from school or takes them to school. My question is, he keeps complaining that I won't move up there and it's going to take so long. I won't say to my children in 3 years "you're 18, my job's done, I'm selling up and moving"!!! I've asked why he doesn't move back down here but he says his children would not want to have to drive one hour there and back each time. Am I unreasonable or is he unreasonable to expect me to move when he's not willing to? Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
ajones7868 · 12/02/2019 19:47

Forgot to say, he wants me to sell my house and buy a house near him for us all to live in although he has no money!

OP posts:
crystalize · 12/02/2019 20:51

You buy a house for you all to live in... up in his town?!?! I think you already know the answer to that! Just over an hours drive is nothing, he should move near you. Ive just come out of a LDR (just over 2 hours drive) we too talked about moving in together. Im a homeowner, he isn't. Let me tell you I am so relieved we didn't go down that route!
But I'm sure if you're guy is genuine, he will understand you have more to lose and will eventually move nearer to you.

crystalize · 12/02/2019 20:55

Also, Id advise you protect your property, its yours and your childrens future. If you do end up moving in together please consider this.x

ajones7868 · 12/02/2019 21:10

Thank you both. I just wanted to hear somebody else's opinion who didn't know me so that I don't think I'm going mad!

OP posts:
carrotflinger · 12/02/2019 22:02

I wouldn't move up there. No way.
You'd have to sell your house and buy a new one or rent with him. Also there's a big imbalance of assets there - you own a property almost outright.

If you move when the eldest is 18, ie. in two years time, that's still only making the relationship 4 years long at that point. It's not that long in the grand scheme of things to be selling a property. Does he expect you to buy a property with him or what?

Don't like the sound of it to be honest. I'd see how things pan out over the next couple of years but make clear you're not prepared to move to where he lives.

OrigamiZoo · 12/02/2019 22:06

Why do you need to live together, sounds perfect to me. You miss eachother still but get time apart. I reckon that keeps the spark.

If I had the choice again, I'd never get in a domestic financial arrangement with a man.

pissedonatrain · 12/02/2019 22:56

no, I wouldn't move up there.not worth it. I'd just leave things as they are. You get the best parts of a relationship.

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