Hi All
I am actually in the process of breaking up with her from my exSO who I was planning on marrying. Its been hard but my gut was screaming at me that the relationship was unhealthy. I wanted to list some of the red flags here and see if, give your understanding of the challenges of marriage and children, that I chose not to take the relationship further or work on it any longer.
I am hoping that asking people who are mostly in healthy relationships I will get a bit of validation that I made the right decision. We were thinking of getting married in the next two years and starting to have children at three.
I should add that outside of these negatives, she was a loving, caring and very kind girlfriend and we were very much in Love.
- She hit me once, while drunk, as I came home late and she was locked out for 25mins on a dangerous road. She justified this by saying she was scared and locked out. Also it's not the same as if gender roles were reversed. She showed remorse but also seemed to forget this evening happened a year or so later. Making me even deny the events myself.
- Very OCD about cleanliness in the home. It's a stressor for her. Refuses to get a regular cleaner to help with this and buy us more time to do fun stuff (We could have afforded it comfortably)
- Cannot take criticism 90% of the time. Gets very worked up and defensive if you try and pass on a criticism, even in a calm manner.
- Prefers all natural health care to an extent that she has not seen a doctor for 28 years, refuses a smear test and claims that she would always do her own research to decide if she would use a natural or 'mainstream' approach to health. She is not a medical professional in any capacity.
- She has not been vaccinated and says she will research future vaccines for her children herself. She says this will be a mutual decision but I think future MIL will have a huge influence on this.
- Future MIL is very controlling of her. She is a natural health provider and assists on her helping her around the house with chores (she lives very close) future MIL had a health condition that could be easily treated but again refuses any modern healthcare through the threat of death.
- She refused any couples counseling, had tried CBT to help with mood swings but refused anyone on one therapy.
- Often is the victim and rarely has the insight into how destructive her behaviors can be.
- Has made thinly veiled suicide threats, One more serious that I prevented. Her trigger claimed to be tiredness and me saying 'stop joking about that..' and showing me she meant it.
- Much of the above has been discussed with her but met with defensiveness and often turning it around to be a bi-product of my behavior. e.g. "i got angry as you were not listening"
- Took a very strong dislike to one of my female friends (who made no effort with her and can be a bit rude) to the point where it was once stated "I can't be with you if you are friends with her"
- Has a brother who shows lots of bipolar traits, suicide threats and long mood swings.
- Sister has emigrated with her own family due to the volatility of this one and behavior that got out of hand once she started having her own children. She has gone total no contact.
- Father has previously been physically abusive to his children but seems to be tamer now.
So, I chose to leave and not propose to this woman in the next 6 months, did I make the right call? Should I have tried to work on these issues? I feel it is a way to far gone and an unhealthy place to raise a family. I feel I have abandoned her and the relationship, she is devastated but I think these are not issues I can fix, especially if trying to get to address some of them is a very difficult task.
To be clear she has shown no real intention of extracting herself from toxic family members. Sometimes they are stable but this is what I have observed over the BU.
I did try and discuss these things during separation but was met with yo-yo-ing of empty promises to seek help and throwing the blame back at me, suggestions that I am meant to accept this situation as a healthy one to start a family in and lots of begging.
I decided to end it as much as it has hurt. Did I make the right call?