I'm 39, with 3 DC's aged 4, 6 & 9, and have been married to H for 18 years after moving here from the states at 19 yrs old.
When we married, I never felt crazy in love, but H was (and still is) a very good man. I felt like (and still feel) there isn't anyone else who could be more supportive as a father and husband.
Yet... I'm not happy. I realise that having children takes a toll on a relationship, and we have been to counselling (now on counsellor number 2) to try and address my unhappiness. H didn't think there was any problem at all until a year ago, when after years of asking him to be try to be more affectionate, years of me being rejected in bed... I just gave up and realised this was it and it was never going to change. I had an emotional affair, and things became even more distant between us (obv). H felt this shift between us and one night we ended up talking until the early hours and I told him everything. The emotional affair, how unhappy I was, that I didn't feel attracted to him, that I loved him and our family but I no longer was in love with him. We have always been very different, but suddenly I'm realising the impact these differences have had on my life and it freaks me out (cliches, I know).
Following this, we began counselling and H has bent over backwards trying to make things perfect. It was almost unsettling how amorous and affectionate he became, almost overnight. I struggled with the adjustment and he would sulk if I didn't want to cuddle on the sofa every night. Counselling helped him realise that it takes time to adjust, but if I'm honest cuddling (etc) with him isn't something I desire often at all anymore. If I could flip a switch and fix whatever is wrong with me, I would.
I feel tied into this relationship in almost every way possible. We are buried in debt, the house we own has no equity to speak of, we have three young children together, and I have no family here to provide any sort of practical help or support if I needed it.
To make things worse (or better? I don't know) despite the reasons I am not happy with him, I know he is a great husband and father - and our relationship is very good. We get along very well, we don't argue with each other often at all. Part of me worries that since the chat we had over a year ago, he's just scared stiff I will leave so is constantly trying to keep me happy.
This isn't fair on him. When I talk to my mom about it (her belief is to stay married no matter what) I ask her how it could possibly be the right thing for us to be together when he could be with someone that loves him like crazy... I feel like I should feel more for him. Be attracted to him. Find him funny. Look forward to talking to him and seeing him, but I don't.
The counsellor suggested I could be depressed, and this could be the reason behind how I feel. My only problem with that theory is that when I am not with him and I am with other people I feel much happier. Shortly after everything came to the surface I became determined not to sit around any longer - I began going to the gym, I joined a local sports team and made great friends. Finding my own happiness (so it isn't all dependent on him) didn't seem to help though... it just made me feel even more distant, and made the unhappiness I felt at home even more obvious.
I can't tell if the way I feel is rooted in depression, or if it means that the marriage should end. And I can't even fathom how it could end without destroying absolutely everything and leaving everyone in our family worse off in pretty much every way. And I worry, every day, that how I feel is just how one feels when they have been married a long time, and if I leave I will regret it FOREVER. Some days I think it's fine, it will be fine... but the doubt is always there. And the reluctance is always there.
Is this just how it is when you've had kids and been married for so long? He takes care of us and would do anything to make me happy so should I stop moaning and just consider myself lucky? I feel like leaving would destroy him and the kids, and probably myself in the process of hurting everyone... is it even worth it?
If anyone has been through this before, or has any advice at all... that's what I'm here for and would appreciate it SO MUCH. Especially if you've made it to the end of this novel. Thank you :(