Advice for emotional abuse

[PiffPaffPoff1]

Never written on here before but really need advice. Sorry for the long waffle...

My friend is an abusive relationship. Her hubbie was physically violent once about 10 years ago, they broke up and he wormed his way back in and has been 'better' ever since (he quit drinking, apparently), however will have periods (up to 1 month at a time) of being in a foul mood, controls her financially (won't give her money for food/kids, but won't look after kids so she can work, saves up money to buy himself expensive items but the kids need new shoes), belittles her, says she's useless, has called her a c-unit and claims he does everything, has a terrible temper and it's everyone else fault because they're 'annoying/loud/messy'.

I've scoured the internet for advice and it all says is to just be supportive and listen etc. Clearly she won't do anything about it, she loves him, doesn't want to go back to being a single parent (he knows this and uses this against her), she hasn't quite recognised it's abuse (he's not being violent apparently) and relies on him financially. Her self esteem as always been very low and she has never put herself first, even before the kids. This is YEARS of self deprecation that she has. She only really tells me some stuff I think, this time she was having a moan generally and it came out.

The children are affected; her little boy (5) very clingy with strangers, the eldest boy (12) hysterical and huge temper at the smallest thing. All treading on eggshells.

HELP! Feel so helpless, she just says she's too tired to do anything and she'll never win. No one else knows but me. Will it really take her wasting her life until she realises just how bad it is?

It is lovely that you care so much about her and you have been a good friend to her BUT you cannot change her or make her do something.

For no doubt very complex reasons she is completely caught in this crappy relationship and until it gets so bad that she can't bear it anymore, or she has therapy or counselling and realises how awful he is, she probably won't leave.

Do you really think no one else knows?

Thanks Margo, that all sounds sensible, sadly.

Her family know he's been bad in the past (did all the right stuff at the time), but in time have accepted his 'moody behavior' because she keeps telling them she loves him and it's what she wants, and he's not being violent. They don't know the things he says to her, just that he can have mood swings and temper tantrums, which they brush off as a character flaw, especially as it seems their boy has it too (I don't agree with this, the boy is angry because he sees his mum accepting abuse from his dad).

She has other friends, but sadly they're also used to being treated like crap from their partners so somehow they all accept it as the norm.

I suppose I can just help her feel more positive about herself so she might one day feel she has the confidence to better her life, with or without him (I don't care which, just that she's safe and happier).

I think that's the best you can do. Lundy Bancroft has a website with some blog pieces about supporting abused people. I think you are probably doing it all already though.