Do you always trust your instincts in the early stages of a relationship (online dating)?

[PlugSpark]

I am a very non neurotic woman (late 40s), laid back, happy, older adult dcs. Happily single but was missing a bit of dating so decided to do OLD.

Met someone after a month who really lit my fire. Loads of passion, lots of fun. Both of us said we weren't sure what we really wanted but saw each other once every few weeks. After a few months of this (and I assume us both seeing other people), we made a time to meet each other and he cancelled. He then did the same the next time so I sent him a message saying 'thanks for the fun but clearly this isn't working any more, good luck and goodbye' (along those lines).

a few weeks later I got a message saying he was really sorry but he had been having a hard time (turns out his father had died) and he'd like to see me again and could we try and see each other a bit more often and be exclusive etc. I said let's give it a go and so we did.

3 months on from that point and something is just not right. It's still amazing fun. The passion is still there. We still adore each other. But I am not involved in his life at all. I have never met his friends. I have never stayed over at his place. It's almost like we exist in isolation. We still only manage to see each other every 2 weeks (we both travel for work so it's difficult but we could see each other more often - we do talk or message every day). He is out with his friends all the time, he's told me all about them but I have never met them.

Am I seeing something that isn't there or should I be expecting to be a bit more involved at this stage? I've not done dating for AGES so I am prepared to be totally wrong!

Sounds like he’s married tbh.

I agree sounds like he's married or in a relationship. Best to cut your ties now

that's interesting as I did wonder that. I don't think he's married but I did wonder if there's something unresolved (whether it be a relationship he's still in or one he's not quite left if you know what I mean)

Trust your gut. If I was there with you I'd make you sit down and write that sentence 100 times. Number 1 rule of dating!!!

Very fishy. Agree with above PPs.

It's difficult trying to figure it out - I guess the best way is to push to be involved and if he pushes back, then I have to walk....

After more than 3 months I think you should be able to ask. Why don’t you stay at his. Why haven’t you met his friends. Has he met yours etc?
I saw someone who did a great job of keeping me separate from his life whilst I involved him fully in mine. And yes he was in another relationship.

People do things at different speeds. I wouldn’t introduce my friends to someone I’d only been seeing three months; but equally I have friends keen to introduce new “partners” to all and sundry after a couple of weeks. Have you asked to meet his friends? Invited him to meet yours? What has he said when you have?

to be fair he hasn't met mine but he could have done if you see what I mean. Most of the time we go out, we go out near me so we have bumped into people I know. We have been away together (for weekends). I have been hesitant to invite him to things I've been invited to as a couple because of him not involving me in his life (so I feel hesitant at involving him too deeply in mine). I've asked if his friends know about me and he says they do.

We are meant to be seeing each other this week so I will speak to him. I just wanted to get a sense of whether I was right about feeling something wasn't quite right.

Yup. Always trust your gut instinct with OLD. ALWAYS.

Depressingly, it's usually right.

Sounds like you've already guessed. He's already in something. And meeting every 2 weeks when you've decided to be exclusive is a bit fishy too.

I would expect at least weekly meet ups, especially if he says he's really into you.

he rents a room with 2 older female academics (I have seen them) and they have a no lodgers/guests staying the night rule. He stays there as it's close to where his dcs/ex wife live (she's stayed in the family home - they were divorced a long time ago).

When we have discussed it before, he's said he likes to take things slowly Comtesse. He has said he's wary as he's had 2 long term serious relationships that went wrong and he doesn't want to rush things. I want to believe him but I think I need to be honest and tell him that I need things to move on a bit quicker - even if it's just seeing him more often.

Ok so I can relate to this, I've just gone through a situation recently.

A guy I really liked and was wonderful, told me over and over he was separated from his wife. He swore on his kids life.

But something didn't add up, my gut screamed something wasn't right. To the point it made me poorly with anxiety constantly. A few months in and I couldn't handle it. So I asked his wife directly.

They are happily married she knew nothing. Oh and it's not his first affair. He's had numerous and says the same thing to them all.

My advice, always trust your gut

Sorry you went through that lifegoes, how awful

I am going to have it out with him this week I think and judge by his response to me pushing to see him more often and to meet his friends

@PlugSpark you do what you think is right for you. At the end of the day, you want to spend time with him. If he can't deliver through actions. He needs to let you find someone who can.

Let me know how it goes 😘

Thanks that's really good advice xx

I have a feeling I know which way it will go but I feel I want to at least try before walking away and you're right, the actions have to match the words. I'll let you know how it goes

His explanations sound reasonable. What makes you think they are not?

I’m seeing someone who seems lovely but is also newly separated and living in a shared house. I am worried things may not be as they have been told to me, but he has invited me to stay at his (I just haven’t yet). I’m hoping it’s paranoia rather than instinct. It is hard to trust when other people have broken your trust. 🤔

I had this. Very foolishly allowed it to go on for 12 months. Long story short he was still with his partner of 15 years although they didn't live together.

I ignored the red flags including him never letting me leave anything at his house (not even a toothbrush - I had to bring my own everything I stayed over (although he never left anything at mine so I just thought it was an odd quirk).

Definitely someone else in the picture. Trust your gut. I read somewhere that 60% of people on dating sites are already in relationship.and unfortunately from personal experience I would have said higher .

I haven't always trusted my instincts.

My instincts have always been correct.

There was a thread on here a while ago with the exact same theme - lots of women replied with yup, that's the script! Get on like a house of fire online, arrange to meet up. Guy cancels. Repeat a few times. Usually a relative has "ended up in hospital" or "died". Usually turns out they're married.

Omg he used his dad's death as an excuse to mess you about.
Run for the hills!

I don’t see much wrong with this. People move at different speeds. I wouldn’t dream of introducing a potential bf to my friends after such a short amount of time.
Death impacts different people in different ways.

Its definitely a red flag although I do think his reasons are also plausible. I don't actually think 3 months is even that long to be honest. I was seeing a guy for 8 months and he only met one of my friends.
However, if it bothers you then it bothers you. You have to talk to him about it and see how he reacts.

spoke to him last night - we were meant to meet up and he wanted to cancel and move it and I got upset (probably because I was thinking about this thread!).

He said it's going v badly at work, he's likely to lose his job this week (his boss has demoted him for an event that happened post his dad's death - they sound like utter pricks tbh). He said his self esteem is absolutely rock bottom, he doesn't think he has the capacity to do a relationship at the moment. I don't think he does either tbh, that's my feeling. He said he genuinely has nothing else going on (relationship wise) but he's struggling with just normal life (his mum died many years ago so his dad was his last remaining parent). I said I was happy to be a support for him (as a friend) but I don't think he sees me that way yet and the best thing to do is to walk away (sadly).

It's a shame because it's not often you have chemistry like this but he's been fair in telling me he can't do this and I need to 'hear' him.

plug what he said may or may not be true but ultimately it wasn’t going to work so it’s great that he’s given you an out.onwards and upwards!