Anyone NC with Parent & some family?

[hertsnessex]

Hi,

Is anyone here NC with one of their parents and some of the family?

Long history of borderline personality with my mother, things have got worse since a big family issue and now I am no longer in contact with her.

I have read a lot, and spoken to a counsellor who I am booked in to see.

TIA

Yes, both of my (divorced) parents.

I'm NC with my mother as she's very toxic/narcissistic. I've had issues with her throughout my life and thankfully my aunt and uncles feel the same way, so I do have some support.

I'm NC with my father as he and my mother divorced when I was 6 yrs old (I'm late 40s now) and he made a new family elsewhere. He isn't great at keeping the lines of communication going despite me trying over the years, so I just had to cut my losses.

I am a parent myself and couldn't begin to imagine losing my relationship with my children. I've always been scared of being like my mother and counselling has helped me realise I am NOT like her at all and never will be. I've always consciously parented in the exact opposite way and make my children feel valued and loved. It's hard not receiving that yourself from a parent, but I know that it was the best thing to go NC as the relationship with my mother was affecting my mental health.

Do you have support from other family members? I hope the counselling helps you.

Thank you for replying Pinkmonkeybird. Sorry to hear you have had to do the same.

My husband is very supportive, and friends. I know this is the right thing, but it is hard as I tried so many times to communicate and was shot down at each point.

I have read a couple of great books on this subject and it is helping me realise my childhood was not 'normal' and that I was always the 'scapegoat'.

I am sure people see the decision to go NC as 'easy' but is is not one I made lightly and didn't think I would ever get to this point. I don't talk to one of my siblings 'golden child' and the other I do, but she is very 'on the fence' as her way of coping with it all so it is a subject we don't talk about.
x

Used to be but my mother died last year. I hadn’t seen her for a decade and didn’t go to her funeral. No one expected me to as she treated me so badly, and that helped a lot.

I think the people that have it worst are those whose family members keep on at them to reconcile or try and guilt you by saying “It’s just how she is” as if we are expected to put up with the crap. Those people are never the scapegoat and have no idea what we have been through.

Same here. I am almost out of the loyalty phase so I am more honest with people about the NC and shut down any ‘but she’s your mother’ crap.

With your counsellor, make sure they are not determined to keep you in contact. Make sure they have experience with toxic family dynamics.

Their was one poster a while back whose therapists was pressing her to maintain contact with her abusove mother. It was horrible to read.

Thanks Deadserious and Aussiebean.

From the brief chat I have had with the counsellor she has a lot of experience with these sorts of issues and I can't see her pressuring me to start contact again, I hope, but I will be aware of this as I know it is better for me and my DH/DS that I do.

It is so toxic to be in this and yet outsider not see the pattern or what is/has gone on. Some of the things she has said blow my mind yet she denies them, and they are not things I would have remembered had they not hurt so much.

Some friends have said 'but she's your mum' and somehow by being my mum she can do/say/act anyway she likes?! I haven't seen her in 10months and only spoke to her on email twice, so I am not going back x